june 28

grade 13 continued

by second semester, roomate and i had declared war on each other and stopped talking to each other at all. it became a sick game of seeing who could hold out the longest of not saying a single syllable. i wrote about him being a psycho.

a game we’d play is, he’d like the room roasting furnace hot, like 100 degrees or more. now i like a good sauna, but i can’t sleep when it is stuffy and steamy, and we had old school steam heaters that you could crank up.

so he would crank it all the way up, room would get to be 100 degrees, then i would open the window and crank it down. back and forth. best was when i went to go to bed and he would crank it up while i was in bed on the top bunk and was too lazy to get up to turn it down.

if he had any friends over they would say turn the f00king heat down you psycho. but he didn’t. he had much less social needs than i did. he didn’t care if he didn’t have friends. actually i think he had a few friends, but he visited them and never had them visit us. just like i never invited my weird friend over, i always went to his dorm. but i didn’t super like him anyway, hehehe.

ANNNND i continued to drink whenever i could. saved it for fridays and saturdays though. still got all a’s.

i could not wait for school year to end so i could go back home with my friends and get away from the maniac.

Summer 1

and so i did. and drank and smoked with my friends, worked my same boring easy fun job, glad to get away from roomate, totally unsure what i was gonna do next year.

when I SHOULD HAVE been taking a stem program and doing stem internships and stem research and stem schmoozing. but i didn’t give a damn about schmoozing with profs or postcollege, i just cared about my social life.

and winners care about postcollege before they start college. and CERTAINLY you have be On The Track during Summer 1: the summer after freshman year. I was totes not. shoulda gone to a shrink by now for sure!

my parents encouraged me to go to the Counseling Services offered by the school once they found i was having probs with the roommate. i stubbornly refused. so stubborn. like, they can’t help me, they’re quacks, i can figure this out on my own!

but i couldn’t, and stubbornly resisted even tho muh fam pushed for like the next 3 years for me to go. I resisted 3 years, hehehe. I should have gone, hehehehe. I see that now. #Regrets4Lyfe.

because things didn’t necessarily get better next year, or the next year. i didn’t have a crazy roomate, but I got worse and worse with my bad habits and bad attitudes, and refused to Get Help.

Grade 14

had a much nicer roomate, we got along well, friendly guy. another engin student but very friendly and social and normal. first jewish person I ever met. from new jersey. he later joined a fraternity and i’m sure he is a rich and successful engineer or entrepreneur now. i should have followed his lead and switched to engin, cut my hair, got some nice clothes, and joined a fraternity. but nooooo.

i continued looking like a creep and started hanging out with weed-smokers, my first real college friends. i met the guy while i was smoking a cigarette outside the dorm.

i got real nervous and paranoid when smoking weed but was still drawn to it, couldn’t stop thinking about it, was obsessed with it, looked forward to trying it again and again, even though i felt intellectually stupid around my new friends when i smoked it. they were not judging me though, that was all in my head.

can’t remember any good Learning i did that year! I know I took Calculus 1 because I thought it would be valuable. I just lollygagged around, refused to go to Counseling, refused to talk to even an Academic Advisor, I HATED asking for help on ANYTHING, so i coasted right up to the deadline of not declaring a major until the end of soph year, when you had to. dumb. shoulda been a STEM/Math major right from summer 0.

i picked psychology because it was one of the more interesting subjects i had taken so far, plus i was interested in why i was so weird, and why other people were so weird. we’re all crazy. plus i thought ANY degree from this skool would guarantee me employment for life, if not glamourous, at least something. And I didn’t realize how useless pscyh was, espciually without a graduate degree.

I still didn’t even have a CONCEPT of Graduate Skool, how it worked, what it was, what kind of student you needed to be to get in. needless to say, if you wanted to get in, you didn’t lollygag and coast and smoke weed in your soph year, and you certainly got internships in summer 2!