GRADE 12 thru GRADE 13

june 28

grade 12

great. i ended up taking TWO AP classes, English and Chemistry. The Real High Achievers took at least THREE, and some kids took FOUR. faggots.

there was a natural continuation of the skool sucks attitudes, and rebellious streak of MJ and alcohol. ticking time bomb!

so why didn’t i just slack off on my studies and get bad grades? too scared I think.

then we were looking at colleges because that’s just what people do at that age. and people with a 4.2 GPA like me were looking at bigger and better schools. including the middle class semi-elite school i ended up going to. not ivy league, but certainly the most elite in my state, and a Top 50 University of the World, if not Top 20!

but i did not realize the magnitude of that until….i had graduated from that univ unfortunately and was trying to put my growing loserness in perspective.

took the act test and got a 31. would have been nice to get a 32 or higher, but i did not want to try again. f00k that sh1t. i already had my anti-skool, cutting corners, skool sucks, learning sucks, learn this stuff long enough to get a good grade, slacker, lazy attitude firmly in place by grade 12, if not 11.

i was also a singerdancer in the play. that and the 2 ap classes took up a LOT of time. that sucked. i also did NOT go to prom because i didn’t know any grills. so this big football playing faggot in 11th grade made fun of me for that. i thought that was rich, an 11th grader making fun of a 12th grader. my friend and i joked about having huge school shootings like columbine.

i should have just not gone to college, took a few years off, worked sh1tty jobs like i do now, saved money, traveled, joined the army, unschooled myself, took some classes at community college when i figured out a good skill to learn, or gone to trade skool.

but NO, i went RIGHT to Top 25 university of the world. BIG MISTAKE.

also should have gone to a shrink in grade 11, when i first started feeling some real tension between Skool and Life. or Grade 10 actually. but we just figured it was Normal Adolescent Growing Pains.

Maybe I could have gotten with some gurls if I had any exposure to them, but I literally didn’t know one single gurl. I went to a single sechs high school. At the time I thought that sucked, but now I realize the usefulness, because gurls can distract from a boy’s studies and screw him up.

however i wasn’t studying the right things anyway, i should have been studying AP MATH if AP anything. or just ap nothing and had plenty of time and effort to focus on my real interests and complete skool with a minimum of effort and time. and then i maybe wouldnt have gotten into a good skool, which would have also been good.

see there were EXPECTATIONS that were set high. starting right in 10th grade, and gradually increasing all the way thru 12th. by that time i was easily in the top 10 of my graduating class. the guy beneath me went to….you guessed it! HARVARD!

Summer 0

so i should have been doing STEM camp and internships right now, if i wanted to be a winner in life. but i had no concept of that, nor did anyone in my immediate circle. i thought just getting ANY degree from this top skool, and with NO extracurriculars, would guarantee me a Good, Boring Office Job 4 Lyfe. WRONG!

it was a pretty chill fun summer, drinking and smoking and hanging out. playing some music for fun. i was also working a boring easy chill nonstressful job. started that summer after 11th grade. i thought it was boring but at least it was some money. now i yearn for a job that boring and stressless.

then i went to Top 25 College and All Hell Broke Loose, hehehehe. the sh1t hit the fan. it really was the beginning of my downfall.

grade 13

i moved into the dorm, elite university, elite kids, middle class kids, their parents were dockers and lawyers and phds, they grew up in middle class neighborhoods and went to middle class schools and were all progressive and liberal and mature and inquisitive and liked school.

i was just overwhelmed. plus inundated with more cute young girls than i could ever believe.

started out ok but was not taking stem classes. i was undecided. THEREFORE I should have not been in college. or should have been doing all this at the community college, and only Gone Away to College for TWO years.

took  “interesting” classes, what a waste. but they were kinda interesting. i remember a class in linguistics and in postwar european youth subcultures were most interesting. latter class was taught by a ridiculously flaming phd student and was my introduction to marxism. all i remember was “hegemony” and maybe gramsci. I was taking it all at face value. upper working class kids like me didn’t study stuff like this, i was just walking into it blind.

i didn’t really have any friends and that did suck. i shoulda just stayed at home where i had friends. i hung out with this kid fromhigh school who was REALLY weird and really not that fun. he was crazy and neurotic and real weird and I didn’t super duper like him, but i hung out with him cuz he was the only kid i knew. and only about once a month at that.

smuggled alcohol from my over 21 friends at home and often drank by myself in the dorm room. i tried to have philosophical discussions with my roomate, who did the right thing by being an engineer. but he was an autistic weirdo who i came to be horrified by on a deep fundamental moral ontological level, because he was deeply misanthropic and had given up on humanity and his dream was to live on a desert island totally alone for the rest of his life, no friends, no family, no gurlfrans.  i was horrified by this.

he might have just been busting my balls, as we had some of these talks while I was getting raging drunk off cheap whiskey and he was not. he didn’t want to drink. i figure he felt superior to me. also i shouldn’t have been dirnking like that at that age. at the very least i should have gotten some 18 year old gurls from down the hall in the dorm to join me, and lose muh V card. but i was too scared to go up and f00king TALK to them.

plus at the time i was growing my hair long, I had a real ratty beard, and dressed like a slob. i mean i looked like a total kissless virgin.

to be continued…..