I REALLY DO WANT TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS

but yeah i’m sorry for being so narciss the past 10 posts or so.

HOW ABOUT YOU??????

but it had to be done. this is WHO I AM. this is the guy who’s trying to HELP you. because he also wants and needs to help himself, hehehehehe.

heh. those ap classes really were NOT worth it. all that work, and where did it get me. nowhere. i forgot all that stuff by the way. now i do have a genuine interest in european history but i can and do study that ON MY OWN, OUTSIDE OF SCHOOL.

SKOOL MAKES LEARNING HORRIBLE. and that is why I like unschooling and homeschooling. because learning is not supposed to be horrible, it’s supposed to be fun and glorious and something you love doing your whole life long.

if you go into college with that attitude, then you will be good. but i certainly did not have that attitude. so i shoulda held off on college.

and i had more than a couple ideal chances to say, you know, this obviously isnt working out, i’m gonna quit college for now and finish when i’m older and more ready and more mature and get these personal problems worked out first, not push myself thru it because i think it will guarantee me a job.

BECAUSE IT DIDN’T!!!!!!!!!

i can barely get a part time $10 an hour job with no benefits, with this o so valuable BA degree from a Top 30 University.

you need to have strong social skills and strong personal initiative as well.

i’ve gotten better with my social skills, but my initiative still sucks balls.

so right now i am trying to unschool myself and see if there is any damn thing i enjoy learning.

i certianly enjoy blogging and my new speaking talking files, so i will continue to do those.

uhhh i enjoy learning about unschooling and i will probably actualyl finish this book, the first book i have finished in years.

i liked powerwalking and have made a good habit out of that.

but if anything i should really be reading books on how to improve your social skills, etc.  how to talk to people, how to persuade people to give you a job, hehehehe. job interviewing skills, etc.

because i know i would half-ass a masters degree, and masters degrees are not made to be half-assed. that is guaranteeing the degree will not be useful. and i don’t want another useless degree, so…..

i’m saying improving my social skills will make me more money, AND be cheaper, than getting a masterz degree.

it will have a much better ROI. it can actually make me money if i actually get off my lazy 4ss and do it.

but after all these years, i am lazy, comes from all the years of Just Giving Up.

Although i had a few good years. Like when i vowed to get all A’s in College and Be a good student. quit smoking weed, quit skipping class. And I had a real stressful year with 2 b1tches LEAVING ME IN THE LURCH, and you know what, I STILL got all A’s, skipped no classes, and reached out to 2 professors, like a BOSS.

if I had had just ONE more semester that good, with prof outreach, maybe I COULD have gotten into a good phd program.

ok now we’re talking regrets and what if. too far!

but point is, i didn’t give up ALL the time.

but i’m not 21 any more with cute young grills showing interest in me.

i am over 30, look even older, have no energy for skool, skool sucks, i hate skool, college is a ripoff and a scam, marriage is a scam, just about EVERYTHING is a SCAM.

my response to that is, well you have to SCAM THE SCAMMERS.

but why can’t you just leave the scam behind?

or maybe not everything really IS a scam.

just like all meds are not “J00 poison.” hehe. oh yeah. year the end of year30 i finally went back to the doc and started taking 20 mg of paxil again.

not sure if it did anything, hehehe.

well, that’s my life story, that’s who’s trying to help you. and help me, i’m not gonna lie, i’m still kinda a loser, i need the help. but the good news is i am “in a better place” than i was at 26 or 25. quitting drinking altogether was a BIG step up.

also i am glad to be done with girl7, to have finally sacked up and got the full rejection, just so i can move on. makes me want to actually send a message to girl8 and get rejected by her too and stop this what if bullsht!

just don’t try to use all this info to figure out who i am. if you know who i am, PLEASE keep that to yourself.

I WANT TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS.

which is kinda hard to do when you give all this personal info about your life story, hehehehe.

but i really do want to be anonymous, because i don’t want to be fired and made PERMANENTLY UNEMPLOYABLE, nor do i want people simply to know what a huge loser i am, or that I view myself as a huge loser. whihc is why when meeting new people, i tell them very little about myself. only the few people deep inside the circle of trust know a lot of my personal details. and now the whole world knows them, so i need them not to be connectable to me and my name.

you can have your hypotheses…….but YOU CAN’T PROVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

heheh i wrote 15 posts on june 28 2014. like 15,000 words. good god. a new record.

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AGE 30

june 28

AGE 30

january. 30 years old. damn. that sucked. and a total loser working a job meant for undergrad students. making no money. having no ambition. living at home with parents. well at least i was saving money on rent. i couldn’t afford to move out anyway with my low paying job.

i kept meticulous financial records and set aside a certain amount each month as if my fam were asking me for rent, which of course they were too nice and lenient to do. but i socked away several thousand dollars for them, to buy them gifts and dinners and stuff like that, because i felt guilty, and needed to get x thousand dollars in there to appease my guilt.

oh yeah. in december29 i did something i wanted to do for a long time and bought myself a laptop computer. i had wanted one for years but refused to spend the money. i think the idea of turning 30 made me pull the trigger on some things: girl7, computer, going to vegas. like f00k it. i’m 30 years old, let’s spend the money, i’m not getting any younger. yolo. do something fun for once. i don’t drink etc.

in winter30 i took calculus 2. that was really f00king hard and after that i said i was done with skool. that was the last class i took. but i did get an a and i was proud of that.

in january30 I randomly saw Girl8 at my weekly social event. I was too scared and ashamed to talk to her because I was a huge loser and she was prob a huge winner. she was prob 28 or 29 but she looked GREAT. I started having dreams about her and thinking about her often and regretting that i had let her “slip through my fingers”, i didn’t even notice her because i was too worried about girls 2, 3, and 4. maybe i should have just gotten with girl8 all along. i first met her when i was 20 but i did not promote her to girl#8 until i was THIRTY. how ridiculous is that? and because of a chance meeting, but moreso the DREAMS that chance meeting caused. wow.

i think i also accepted my first friends on my secret facebook page. i had originally quit real facebook around 24 because i hated seeing all the people from college get super successful, married, happy, etc.

i think i started the fake facebook around 27 or 28 or so, so i could stalk girl7 hehehehe.

in the summer30, some old friends from college got married and invited me. i was really torn on going because they were both phd’s and successful as f00k. i didn’t really want to spend money on a plane and hotel and taxis and stuff.

so i just sent them a gift and a nice card.

around this time i was becoming friends with “NotQuiteGirl9B” (or was it A, C, or D?) who was notable for being my only real life female friend. we got along very well, very naturally, and it would have been real nice if i were attracted to her or in luv with her at all. i liked her very much, but just not in that way. later i worried and debated whether i should try to become “friends with benefits”. because i wasn’t really attracted to her, the idea of sechs would be kinda WEIRD, BUT I had never been that close with any woman for many years. i had not had a female friend since i was in College! some people say it is impossible for men and women to be Just Friends, but I think it probably is possible, or at least I have done it a couple times in my life. 3, maybe 4 times believe it or not. just not a lot recently.

[Update: over a year later I started developing Deeper Feelings towards her, such that she could possibly become Woman9, that sechs or dating would not seem so WEIRD, and was the first time in my long life I had ever started off with Platonic Feels and then converted them over to Non-Platonic Feels.]

by january30 i had stopped taking my paxil again. i was possibly at 40 mg or so, then by january i stopped. then i decided i would stop for a while, see what happened. i was also becoming more racist and was starting to think it was “J00 poison.” i went thru a virulently anti-semitic phase.

for better or worse, hehehehehe. i still don’t really trust the j00s, i am still a little racist, but i get along really well with older black women!

i wish i got along that well with younger white women, hahahahah!

i continued seeing my shrink about once every 3 weeks. same shrink as age25. i have only ever seen one shrink ever. maybe i should switch to another one. maybe get better results, hehehe. but my shrink is really nice and smart.

i was trying to figure out the extent of my racism, and i didn’t want to get in too deep with the racist blog scene, so i shut down my increasingly-racist blog.

well that’s as far as i’m gonna go, because i am between 31 and 39 years old, so i will stop telling my life story at 30.

i did most of this in one day, kind of spurred by reading the unschooling book and thinking of my own school experience one year at a time. then it turned into a life biography.

also to give you the BONA FIDE of here i stand before you, HERE’S my QUALIFICATIONS, HERE I STAND, I’M YOUR MAN. Behold the Man, Behold the LOSER. this is the full story of my own loserness. i have been there. i coulda been somebody, but i became a nobody, all through my own laziness.

mainly one stupid small-to-medium mistake after another, and then some huge mistakes, and never, ever, ever taking the obvious opportunity to ask for help or assistance, or to make obvious changes, until it was too late. resisting going to a shrink. resisting outside help and mentorship. being too stubborn and cowardly to ask for help in ANYTHING. also, drinking way too much and smoking way too much weed, especially before age 25, when it did the most damage. not heeding the obvious signs. not leaving college after the first year, the first semester, or at least going to the university shrink on a weekly basis since the first semester.

not starting out at community college until i figured out what i wanted to do. and i never wanted to do anything, becuase i hated all school and learning!

resenting being put on the high achiever track in high school by taking AP classes that weren’t worth it. Well, I really showed THEM, didn’t I, by becoming the Biggest Loser I could be!!!!!!

in high school, no one would have predicted this out of me. maybe it’s why no one from high school has reached out to me, i don’t know. nah, that’s really narcissistic. the only way people can find me is on linkedin, and i think only my 15 friends there can actually see the shameful details of my profile, and i never use linkedin because i hate seeing people’s successful careers.

 

AGE 28 and 29

june 28

AGE 28

january. ok my good friend moved out of state in like september of this year.

i did not visit the college town at all this year.

i know for a fact i hung out with girl7 at least once and we went to dinner together in like august28. i paid for her dinner and really wanted to send some signals.  she was about to start her last year of college in a useful degree, where she would immediately be successful and go on to get a masterz degree and be ever moar successful. but during age 28 she was still A College Student.

uhh i took c++ programming 2, an asp.net web dev course, a database course.

i hung out with my friend a lot before he moved.

oh fook how could i forget. for a while we were trying to develop a tv show. he was in charge and i was just along for the ride. but he did a lot of work on that during…..well well before summer26.  like summer25, 24, 23. i would drink and throw story ideas at him. he didn’t drink nearly as much.

i drank cheap malt liquor and cheap whiskey and got raging drunk. he drank moderately and responsibly, and drank fancy craft beer.

anyway, he is a great guy. it kinda sucks that he prob won’t move back. so i should go out there and visit him!

ok, lemme tell you exactly what classes i during during year 28:

winter: networking & databases.

summer: CSS and Visual Basic 1.

fall: ASP.NET, Business Software, and C++ 1.

i checked the source.

databases was prob most fun. c++ was real hard and kinda sucked.

girl7 was always too busy to hang out with me. i should have took the hint during year 27. but noooooo i was still in denial in year 28.  still in luv with her.

when the hell did i discover heartiste/roissy? way before this. i had to be 23 or 24. in the drinking days, hehehe. i was horrified and i think i looked to feminism as a way to say, “this can’t be true! heartiste can’t be right!!!”

and now i have learned to stop worrying and luv heartiste. he is right, feminists are wrong.

during summer28 i first saw “three guys one hammer” and that was a big deal. this is the infamous “shock video”, more of a snuff film, where a real man is really tortured and murdered on camera, filmed by the psycho sadistic murderers. that was a gamechanger for me and taught me that True, Objective Evil Does exist unequivocally, and is no laughing matter.

Also I was definitely becoming more conservative by then. I was self-identifying as a conservative by the previous year, by summer27.

the years get more boring and less eventful than they were in my young wild college days, so we can squeeze two years in easy.

at the start of “christmas vacation”, i had a real nice hangout with girl7 and gave her a present like a BETA PUSSY.

AGE 29

january. my friend was gone for a few months.

my other friend was having problems of his own for a while. some stuff similar to me: dui, etc. for a while i was not seeing him too much because i had quit drinking but he hadn’t.  but soon he got a dui and had to quit drinking too , hehehe, and then we got alot better.

but for a while my social life was kinda lacking. one of my main friends had moved out permanently. and i unfort was bad at keeping in touch with another old friend. 2 other old friends.

however by age 29 i had started a social thing which i continue to this day which is essentially a social game with a group of people on a regular basis, at least once a week. won’t say what exactly it is, but it gets me out of the house and it’s fun.

in may age 29 i started my next blog. that was fun as hell. that was the political blog, the one that came immediately before this one. by now i was far right wing and proud, and used that blog to talk about that. i actually got noticed by some bloggers on the far right and it was perhaps a bit too much attention for me. i continued this blog for a little over one year and got a ton of great posts in, and some notoriety.

classes i took age 29:

winter: linux, c++2

summer: nothing. those 2 c++ classes were real demanding and i was starting to get sick of skool again, and it wasn’t going anywhere. by now i had accumulated about 68 credits since summer26 and it didn’t seem to be helping my career any or making me any more money. so f00k it.

girl7 graduated college and started a decent entry level job in her field. we hung out like 2 times in 1 month, which was unheard of. she had left our mutual job and i wanted to kick the flirtation up a notch. i playfully touched her arm in the movie theatre to show i was interested in her bod. she got really weirded out, and i wasn’t being THAT weird. uh oh.

by october age 29 i got my official rejection from her hehehe. well at least i tried, took it to the limit, and got rejected. it happens. fact of life. life goes on. bla bla bla. as long as i could have an answer regarding her before I was THIRTY. and i managed that.

in fall age 29 i took calculus 1.

with girl7 out of the picture, out of my life, finally, i began to accept my racism more. before i thought it was too extreme. now i didn’t give a f00k what was too extreme, the only woman i LOVED was out of my life forever, hehehe, so i was gonna be an extreme racist.

at least i had my weekly social event, and i was getting along very well with my other friend who had quit drinking around summer29. that summer i enjoyed going to his place and swimming in the pool and using the hot tub and sauna. there i developed my official, outspoken love of saunas.

but the girl7 rejecting me in october29 was a big deal, i remember the month specifically. i would only see her two times after that. which is good, i would hate having to see her regularly. i need a clean break.

in december29 i took a fun trip to vegas to meet my good friend who had moved away in fall28. that was a lot of fun. and i had no temptation to drink in vegas.

AGE 27

june 28 2014

AGE 27

janurary. my brithday is not in january, i will not say which month my birthday is in, except that for the Year of Age 27, I was 27 for the majority of that year. and so on.

uhh just to clarify: during age 23 and 24 i was more serious about looking into grad skool programs, evaluating my grad skool options, could i get into a good school? no. could i get into a bad school phd? no. i could prob get into a bad skool, for masterz, and i wasn’t too interested. i fully vetted the local colleges departments to see if they had someone i could reach out to, in the stuff i was interested in.

i searched for articles and areas that would be good for thesis, dissertations, trying to hone my own research interests. i came up with a list of like 200 references. that was pretty good. all during age 23 and 24. we’re backtracking here.

forgot what my “dissertation” was. something about depression throughout emerging adulthood, failing to reach goals, failing to get a job or relationships, never growing up, being a huge loser, starting off promising but dropping the balls, alcohol abuse and depression, social class and depression, social skills, evolutionary psych, men and women, mating, masculinity. heh. motivation, giving up, being LAZY. basically, just what you’d imagine.

but i could never narrow it down such that, i’m interested in THIS, and then finding the best fit program in the nation for that. besides it would probably be too good for me to get into.  like Dr. Buss’s evo psych program at Univ Texas for example. that’s a great school.

i went to a meeting with an adviser for the masters in counseling at the local university. she was a huge butch lesbian but pretty nice.  i was unaware that masters of counseling even existed. it would prob be considered kind of a loser masters at my undergrad skool, but it fits right in with my interest in Counseling People and Helping Them.

also, just to clarify: i never made out with girl5. the most i did was have a couple real good hangouts with her and hug her once.

i never made out with girl4.

i never made out with girl6.

heh. i never made out with girl7. oh wait that’s a spoiler hehehehe.

so back to age 27.

in early27 winter term, i took like marketing, and some computer class. econ 2 somewhere in there.

slowly transitioned from “business” to “computers.”

hung out with girl7 for the first time outside of werk in veryearly27, like january. that was nice but i still couldn’t feel her out. but i was off house arrest since about september26, so i could at least hang out with my friends again.

in summer27 i took some classes. um management, and then visual basic.

fall27 i took c++ coding 1 and i dunno. an online class in web dev, html, css, etc.

back to spring. girl7 turned 22. funny. the age gap between her and me was bigger than the gap between girl2 and me that made me so nervous at that time…..but 18 and 21 vs 22 and 27 really is a lot different. i didn’t care she was so young, i thought i had a chance hehehe.

i continued seeing shrink.

in spring a college friend got married and i went to visit for the first time since….summer25. almost two years. when prior to that, i had been going up there once a month and getting wasted.

at the wedding i obviously didn’t drink, everyone was impressed by my not drinking. i did smoke weed there for the first time since summer25.

that made me REAL nervous and panicky and soon after i shut down my blog which had been going pretty strong for over a year. because when i smoked weed i thought, jeez, why am i screaming to the whole world what a LOSER i am??? I’m a huge loser! I don’t want the whole world to know it!

so i took it down.

I HAD to have been off probation if i smoked weed. HAD to have. but it was no more than one month before that that i got off probation. during probation i was doing drug/alcohol tests at least once a week.

summer27. might have been the last time i saw girl6. within a year she would be gone, moved to a different state. good, hehehe. i didn’t need to see her. but we did get along well last couple times i saw her.

another really big deal is that one of my old school friends who i hung out with quite regularly and who always had my back and stood up for me, he moved out of the state too. that was in fall27, or fall28.

i remember his mother died of cancer well before he moved, and that was a huge deal that made me even more scared of cancer. because she went from being healthy as f00k to DEAD in under 6 months.

pretty sure i was still drinking when she died. i think i was drinking at the bar when he called me and told me she died! so that was….. fall25 i think. then summer26 i got busted for dui.

and so i think he moved in fall27.

sh1t. hehehe. i had to check facebook. he moved the previous year, fall26, a couple months after i got arrested hehehe.

no you know what, he moved twice. and fall26 was the first time, then he came back shortly after, in early27, and we had at least another year of fun together. and THEN he moved out again in fall27 or fall28 and then THAT was for real. ok. checked facebook, that was fall28.

heh. i should know but as you get older the years are harder to tell apart.

what are we on, age 27?  yes, so by this time my hair was DEFINITELY starting to fall out. that sucked.

did i hang out with girl7 at ALL in summer or fall27? maybe once. i asked her to hang out but she was always busy. should have been a sign to me.

next: age 28

AGE 25 and 26

AGE 25

january. now, not much happens during the winter, excitement only happens during the summer, and i was dirnking alot these years, so i might get the summers mixed up.

continued drinking at home and occasionally, about once a month, visiting college friends. really needed a job but my motivation and chutzpah was an at all time low. had just given up and just wanted to drink as much as possible.

didn’t really smoke a lot of weed during this time.

either this year or last year my fam was worried about me, and well they should be, and i went back to the docker and got back on the paxil. every couple of months i would get the paxil stepped up until i was eventually taking the max dose of like 50 or 60 mg a day because i was a huge loser and super “depressed” and needed something strong as hell.

of course the drinking probablyt got in the way of it!

it was DEFINITELY age 25 that i began seeing my shrink. it was the first time i ever saw a shrink. ok, she is really a “counselor” with a MSW degree. i should have been seeing somebody like this since i was 18, if not 16! NOT 25!!!!!!!

so, i definitely met girl6 at age 24, and probably it was summer24 when i met girl5 in her homecity and had a very memorable, bittersweet final meeting with her.

age 25 was probably the start of my Sloppy Embarrassing Home Parties. when that really started to become a problem.

I had reconnected with my old good friend from high school, and he was kind of a drinker, and with him, i stepped up my own dirnking. he got his own place so i would start going there to dirnk and crash for the night. drinking and crashing. a new place to drink and crash.

in the fall of age 25 i FINALLY got a job, the job which i stayed at for 5 years. it was easy and fun and stressless and good times, but also a little boy part time loser job. but after almost a year and a HALF of total joblessness, it was a job, and i wasn’t gonna flip out and quit it.

anyway i started the shrink before that, like in the spring25. drank like crazy summer25 and pined over girl6 who was getting weirder and weirder.

i’m sure i pined over girl5 a little too!

definitely by summer25 i had started a very notable blog. because i remember posting a drunken post from my friends house, and also girl6 was reading the blog.

i want to say summer25 we had a nice summer getaway to this guy’s cabin/cottage. i drank a sh1tload of beer, fell off a boat and got that scar on my chin from doing so. tried to seduce girl6 who was there, but it wasn’t happenin.

ok i had definitely started the paxil, because the paxil magically made me able to drink OBSCENE amounts of alcohol without dying. and then i would make a HUGE 4ss of myself because I just drank an entire fifth of whiskey by myself in one sitting, or just drank 20 beers.  with the paxil i could drink RIDICULOUS amounts of alcohol,and in turn did RIDICULOUS things.

so i started the paxil either in early25 or late24.

started the shrink in spring25. that prob helped me get the job in fall25.

and it was at that job in fall25 that i met the auspicious Girl7.

i thought she was a little weird at first, but i quickly saw she was much better than girl6, who was promiscuous and crazy. girl7 was nonsexual and on the level. no drinking, no partying, no sechs, just college. a real asexual nerd gurl.

i thought it was interesting that she was conservative, i never had met a conservative gurl before. i think at the time i still thought of myself as a leftist.

hehe i remember i was reading feminist stuff at the time, thought i was a feminist, and was trying to convince gurl6 to become a feminist, that feminsm was good for women, and didn’t she see the patriarchy all around her oppressing her? haahahahaha.

i had wanted to take some classes for a while, but my stupid f00ked up logic was, i wanted to find a job first, so i could have an income stream. yet in the interim spent hundreds if not thousands of my savings on BOOZE.

well, now i had a job, and thus could start taking classes.

AGE 26

january. by age 26 i was done liking girl6, that crazy b1tch, and was in luv with girl7, that pure chaste nice gurl, taking a few months to get to know her of course. during the winter26 skool term hehehe. by summer 26 i was in luv and wanted to hang out with her and make a move. i was 26 and she was 21.

in summer26 i was drinking with my heavy drinking friend, on a huge paxil fueled drinking spree, when i finally got my dui. i was ridic drunk, well over .2, and this was a humiliating event which caused me to stop drinking entirely, and i have not drank at ALL since.

since i started the job in fall25 that stopped me from going to the college town because i always worked on weekends,when i would usually go.

now summer26 i had a dui, the cop made some really insulting remarks to me before letting me out about being a huge loser who was going nowhere in life, what the hell are you doing with your life, 26 years old and you’re working here, that’s not a serious job, what you got a college degree, what the hell are you DOING with your life; and the whole experience was humiliating.

i persuaded the doc to give me some buspar for muh anxiety. and i was taking max paxil, like 50 mg a day.

saw the shrink more regularly during the stressful time of muh probation and all that.

i remember cuz i started my first class in summer26, an accounting class, because i wanted to take a bunch of Useful Classes. a few weeks after that class started, got dui.

hehehe. that hampered my plans to get things started with girl7. i was essentially on house arrest from july to september and could not go anywhere except work, shrink, school, church.

but that is the price you pay! at least i didn’t kill anyone!

whole thing cost me like at least 6 grand, which destroyed my savings and then some.

heh. real low point of my life there, but at least it couldn’t get any lower. and it didn’t! i got an a in the accounting class, and then in the winter took accounting 2 and econ 1. i think. got a’s in those.

and i kept my job, they never found out, so that was good.

also i did hang out for the first real time with girl7 in the early fall i wanna say. uhhh no. that was actually at the very end of age26 year, or very beginning of age27year. dec or january.

next: age 27

AGE 24

june 28

AGE 24

january.  yep. still working the low paying temporary leftist job. had turned down the americorps offer, stupidly. i was a terrible fit with the org, but it was just temporary, it wasn’t too stressful other than that bad fit thing, everyone was nice, i got along with the leftists, but it was just super weird. they also offered me a room to live in and that was a big perk, wanted to move out and get muh own place.

well it was in a real bad neighborhood, like crime and gangsters and irresponsible gun wielders and stuff. terrible neighborhood to hang out. i would just buy some cheap beer and sit in the room and drink the beer and got a strong buzz going almost every night. this was not healthy at all.

in march or april i finally left the job and was glad to be out of it. however this started over a year of joblessness. maybe a year and a half, almost!

so during that time i lived with the fam. often i would go up and visit the college friends. some college friends were gradually leaving to go to grad skool, and or big city.

i am very happy that in this year 2014 i was able to apologize to some of the people i neglected during that time!!! finally some good karma!!!

back to age 24. i went up there and drank like an idiot. still saw girl4 a couple times. i wrote some stories, i had a good fiction story going on then, basically a slightly fictionalized version of the end of my college years. where i tried to make myself into a bukowski ish hero.

oh yeah. one of the best things about “Summer 5” (prev post) is that we had a writing club and would drink and read our stories and poems. i got raging drunk and read some classic poems and stories. when i dropped out of skool like a bum, i began my writing career hehehe. but i actually wrote a couple really good poems. total bukowski ripoff though. and at this time was able to share them. girl 4 was there but this did not help my game with her.

anyway. age 24. i was also starting to plug in more to my friends at home. one of them got a house which became the party house and or the hangout house. i began hanging out and partying there. at first it was good to reconnect wiht the people from home. later the parties got more degenerate, i started drinking more and more, and embarrassed myself to them.

during this time i met….girl6.

i must have met girl5 before her, right? it was either the same year or the year before that i met girl5.

so, either age 24 or age 23. i met her during the summer, i remember that, AND i had already moved back home. but girl5 lived in the college town as a student there, in her final year, friend of my college friends. she was really nice and cute and wholesome and nonpromiscuous. kinda like girl4, but NICER and friendlier to me. girl5 actually liked hanging out with me and i didn’t scare her away with my dirnking immediately.

yes, it WAS during age 23 summer i met girl5, because i remember chatting with her while i was working my leftist job in the early months of age 24. settled.

wow. i thought i was older than 23 when i met girl5, but i guess not. she was prob 21 or 22 at that time.

if i were still living in that town you better believe i would have been all over girl5 and probably would have made out with her AT LEAST, if not had an abortive pre-relationship with her, hehehehe. but we were always long distance. so in a way, she was the gurl who got away. kinda like girl8, hehehe. i had two of those, hehehe.

age 24 summer girl5 graduated and moved back to her home town, which was the big cool city nearest to my relatively smaller, much crappier city. she later went to law skool and became a successful attorney making at least 70k a year. strange, because she did not seem the lawyer type. she was not a huge cvnt!

it was either summer 24 or summer 25 that i visited that city with some home friends, and i met up with girl5 for a few hours and we had a great time.  just talking and smiling at each other walking around on a beautiful summer afternoon. yep we coulda had something good if we ever lived in the same town at the same time! i will never forget that day. it was great. that i think was the last time i saw girl5.

so i met girl5 in summer 23, so i met girl6 in summer 24. summer25 at the latest. i was partying at the party house with my home friends, making a drunken fool of myself, jobless. yes that HAD to be summer24. (ie, the summer when i was 24 years old.)

she was only 19 or 20 at that time and real cute. we hit it off ok at first and she even showed an interest in me, but i think it was just a platonic interest. a few months later i was in luv with her but the novelty of the franship had worn off for her, and i wasn’t as new and exciting. there was about one great chance there where we were both drinking, getting drunk actually, two of us alone in the basement. I felt I should have moved towards her and tried to make out with her there, but i didn’t.  damn. and it was all downhill from there. and i never made out with her.

i divided my time getting drunk at home there, and every month going to college town to get drunk there. the job prospects seemed hopeless and i put it off and put it off, occasionally applying for something but never hearing back, and certainly never aggressively contacting them. i had given up essentially. well, i had given up in other ways many years before!

HOWEVER it was either summer24 or summer25 that i reconnected with an old home friend that i have known since high school, that i am good friends with today, so that was good. but i ended up drinking a lot with him, and that was bad.

next: age 25

AGE 22, 23

june 28

fall, after summer5, age 22/23

after girls 3 and 4 were out of my f00king face after that summer, things simmered down. i should have used that time to buckle down and find a good job, but i felt too sad and broken and lazy and despondent. i’m kinda bitter on this town now, that was a hell of a couple years, maybe it would be good to go back home and get out of this craziness and just try to find a boring normal job in the boring normal world, i’m not going to get into grad skool next year, i want to get away from these students, these women, yeah it will suck to leave all my friends but i can still keep in touch and visit once in a while.

so i prob resigned myself to coming back home at that time.

i was also sort of working on this cute dark haired girl i just met in september, it would be fun to bang her and maybe erase some bad memories. hehehe. i never banged her. in fact i got drunk and said some nasty things to her and ruined any chance there much like i ruined my chances, drunkenly, with girl4.

but i didn’t like this other girl enough for her to become the new girl5! girl5 did not come around until later.

so at the end of the fall term, in december, i moved back home with the fam.

and have been here ever since, hehehehehehehe.

i am just gonna give the WHOLE life story now!

age 23

january. no i won’t say what year that is, then you’ll know my exact age, and what year i was born. NOPE.

well at least at home with my fam i prob wouldn’t drink as much. whenever i had gurl trouble i tended to drink too much.

now i could just chill out and sort out my life and make my next move. get a quiet chill boring job with my degree like i always assumed i could and would.

yes i’m well aware of all the mistakes and bad moves i made. i am trying to list the biggest ones for you here, along with some other memorable events. i am well aware of what i did wrong, and what could have been done to intervene at some crucial points. it’s no mystery, it’s not hard to see!!!!!!!!!

heh if i were talking this out, it would be a lot quicker and easier.

in january i drunkenly made out with a grill. that was the last time i ever made out with a grill.

by february i was able to leverage Family Connections to get a job back home. let’s just say it involved a lot of driving on the job. it was ok but i hated muh boss. when i couldn’t meet my driving deadlines or something went wrong wiht the car, it got real stressful. but 80% of the time it was not too stressful.

but i had a real bad week where everything went wrong, i got emotional, and quit the job. i felt a great sense of relief. i had only worked there like 3 months. but i had made more money than i did in my temp job that i had worked while in college town from say may to december.

now i was hanging out with old friends at home, often getting off Werk and going to drink and smoke w33d. nice.

not!

i was absolutely off the paxil by this time and was taking St Johns Wort, i was convinced that was the magic bullet. it wasn’t!

i was also driving out and visiting the college town way too much. almost once every 2 or 3 weeks. yikes. there was the double edged sword that it wasn’t THAT far away.

so i would stay with some friends there, get drunk as hell all weekend, then come home sunday night.

i would also hang out with one group of college friends to the exclusion of other college friends.

i also could have made some moves on girl8 still but i was not even thinking about her.

i unfort still saw girl4 a little bit on my visits. she ended up getting a very presitigious scholarship and then a job with a prestigious org in DC. but at least she never went to grad or law skool!

in september of that year i got a job with a politically-charged nonprofit. very leftist. the job was temporary, no more than 6 months, and the pay was crappy, but at least it was full time and made me look employed!

that was awkward as fook. but it taught me tbe valuable lesson that i was not A Leftist Activist. these were all Leftist ACtivists.

at that time, i was looking into Americorps Programs. I was too shady to get into Peace Corps but I could probably get into Americorps.

i tried to get into one in [a “cool” big city] that a guy i went to skool with was doing (but had never been friends with him per se.)

i had a very demoralizing phone chat with the director of the organization who criticized me for not being active enough during college.

it was TRUE, but i could not take criticism like that well! I still had a very thin skin.

but that was the nail in the coffin for my desire to Help The World via Nonprofits or Americorps.

well, not really: here’s a great story: I actually DID get accepted into an Americorps program to do an afterschool arts program for a very poor, rural school in a kinda foresty area.

i declined because i got cold feet at the last minute. i didn’t really care about building arts programs, i just wanted to get out of my house, have a full time position, build resume. i didn’t want to help others, i wanted to help myself.

but i still regret that. i was only 23/24 and that would have been a nonlosery thing to do at that age, and would have helped my res.