may 15

have been watching more of the tv show south park, it really is funny. a year ago i wouldn’t watch it because it was “too degenerate” but now I have become more tolerant of degenerates, hehehehehe. well, not where it COUNTS, and certainly south park does not really COUNT, and it is genuinely funny and can lift the mood with its ridiculous humor.

may 16

wow. real lazy yesterday. watched TWO movies. good news is I got in the full 4.8 miles of powerwalk, hooray.

had a dream with Girl3 of all people in it. heh. it is RIDICULOUS how often I have a dream with A Girl in it. at LEAST once a week it seems.

I really think that the deeper meaning here, the SIGN if you will, what my dream is trying to tell me, is NOT that I am nto over these specific gurls, which I am!  but that each of these girls represented the same GENERAL thing, ie True Love, True Love which I could have had with Girl 2 OR 3 OR 4 OR 5 Or 7 OR 8. different gurls, same general thing. almost doesn’t matter what “package” the true love came in.

of course each gurl was different, and diff circumstances, diff stories, and of course diff “dating” experiences on my part. for example girl7 I never even made out with, while, for example, girl2 i straight up had PIV S’ual Relations, Coitus, Intimacy, Intercourse with, believe it or not! But I was in full blown luv with them both, and about equal amounts.

And it’s real hard to say if any one of those gurls would have been “BEST.” Nope, they all would have been very good.

so when i have a dream about gurl7 or gurl3, which i have both had dreams this very week!!!, it doesn’t mean i am not over them, but rather that I am still desiring of the True Luv that each gurl provided for me, and I would like to have that again, with a NEW gurl, and actually make it WORK.

of course, if gurl 7 approached me, I would “take her back”!

another thing. if the woman is IN CONTROL in the rel, it WILL fail. the MAN MUST be IN CONTROL. and someone is ALWAYS in control, whether or not they may be middle class marxists where they say it’s a “partnership.” there, the woman is prob in control, and the rel will probably fail.

oy vey.

well, not to give too much away, but one of The Numbered Girls had their birthday recently, and I was in kinda a blah mood that day, no doubt because I was thinking about that!

isn’t it weird how much i think about these gurls, when I SHOULD be thinking about more important things, like doing something with my life? not being a huge loser? why WASTE so much time and energy thinking about these gurls?

prob because I’ve always been a huge romantic sissy, and REALLY into the idea of True Luv with a Nice Girl. I have had that romantic fantasy for as LONG as I can possibly remember, from the time I was a pre pubescent and first noticing gurls! I didn’t just want to bang them, I wanted to have True Cuddling Monog Luv with them!

and have ever since! I am quite possibly a LOVE ADDICT even moreso than I am a Sex Addict! Who gets their fix of Love or Sex hardly ever at all!

so in my what if alternate universe, I would have gotten that fix, like a normalfag, at an “appropriate” age like 18 or so, and then been able to focus on working hard to Build A Life, know that I had muh True Luv High Skool Sweetheart to Be In Luv With and not Leave Me.

how about u? tell me about u!

well in the winter, i might just pay 10 bucks a month for planet fitness so I can walk on their treadmill for 100 minutes a day. why not. why the f not. what i don’t like about walking around the neighborhood is that it announces to all the retired babby boomers “I’M UNEMPLOYED AND UNEMPLOYABLE!” so i get a little nervous and ashamed.

had some weird thoughts about K’ing self, like it’s really too much work to turn my life around and it would make a ton of sense to K self, but i wouldn’t do it until mah fam was gone. but wouldn’t it still hurt mah friends? yeah but if you’ve pushed all your friends away…. also there is the thought of eternal hell. either way i wouldn’t do it for a few more years, hahahahahahahahahahaha.

no i do not encourage K’ing yourself, go see a shrink NOW and Get Help.

god damn really procras on this email to this guy. it’s not his fault he’s part of the time period i want to erase! I don’t even want to erase HIM per se!

besides it would prob be a fun experience, taking huge road trip with him, having good talks, i could even possib tap into his network to get me a new job with a raise!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and become a bigger winner step by step.

there is even a chance to possib get action, if there are any single gurls there partying at the wedding. wouldn’t mind getting some nonstripper, nonhooker action!

cons are that its a ridiculously long drive. insanely. pro: he would be driving hehehe. but it would be kinda fun, never did a “road trip” like this ever, and I am getting a little old for Traveling. Yes of COURSE I should have Studied Abroad when I was in College. of COURSE. I do have a bit of a travel bug but i have never had the resources to do so.

like a 21 hour drive ONE WAY. like 1400 miles. ONE WAY. well…..pretty sure there would be at least one other guy. so, min 3 guys driving, could easily take 7 hour shifts and knock out the drive in one 24 hour day. one way, hehehe.

i dunno. again, this is prob a SIGN from HIGHER POWER. prob my last good chance to do something like this. and there are NO mixed feels about the guy, couldn’t have ASKED for a better guy. so i guess higher power is pushing me to do it, and i SHOULD do it.

of course, if I am hired back, then I can’t. but If I’m still laid off, then I should.