june 16 2014

ok now posting backwards wtf.

welp followed the instructions to reapply for my job. wasn’t a perfectionist about it bc the job sucks. but it shouldn’t suck as bad during the summer.

went for a 68 minute powerwalk beforehand, no music, no podcasts, just thinking about the damn stupid job. yeah i would like a chiller job, but i’ve certainly made no effort in the past 3 months to find it. the most productive things i did were visit this old friend, which was very positive, and to get very good about my powerwalking, which is also very good. two things not to sneeze at! but on the skool / job front, nothing. f00k it.

if the job gets too stressful i will run to the doc and get a huge prescript for xanax and buspar and a stronger antidepr. and just try to get mentally TOUGH.

well that little blond girl i wanted to bang doesn’t work there any more. oh well, life goes on.

i could try making friends with some of the men there. i was already pretty friendly with a decent amount of men, but i never made a huge effort to hang out with them after work, like go to the bar or something, because i was so stressed out and wanted to get out of there and go straight to bed.

well now i will try to make an effort with some of the nicer men.

there are some social “political” cliques there which i forgot about till now hehehe. but there were some really nice guys too. the young man who sat next to me who i had a mancrush on. the really tall bearded guy who was real nice to me. the big tough guy who sat behind me and we would make jokes. the chill older guy who was kinda a mentor for me.

but i guess huge changes have happened. the main manager quit, and also their manager quit. or was fired. so things could be even worse. my thought is they will try to cut wages until people start quitting in droves and then they would have to raise the wage again.

the other main thing i would do is sign up for planet fatness and then walk on their treadmill for 90 minutes after i get out of Work. i was not exercising enough and i think that was adding to my stress. but i was losing weight because i was too stressed to eat much.

do it yourself electro shock therapy. could you just shock your head with a live wire. hehehehe.

besides i still got my ace in the hole girl8 plan. i swear i will send her a message within 1 year. for true luv with her i would work the sh1ttiest job for the rest of my life and it would all be allright. i wouldn’t mind having her sweet chill stress free job though! after i start a long distance relationship with her i will work her to try to get me in her department, hehehehe. and then we can work together and live together happily ever after with 5 kids hehehehe.

heh. if i were rich like tucker max i might go into psychoanalysis to, to really work on my deepest issues. i go see a Clinical Social Worker once every 3 or 4 weeks right now and i am not sure how deep we get. but it is valuable to talk about muh worries and concerns and life. so that’s worth it. but that is 45 bucks every three weeks. heh. maybe when i start working i can afford once every two weeks. but i had to stop the shrink when i was working because i had no time and did not make the effort to find a new shrink for staurdays.

how to psychoanalyze yourself. hehehehe.

i swear to GOD i will sign up for planet fitness and get 90 minutes of powerwalking in if i have a stressful day at work. this was something big i neglected in the winter. i would just come home, mind reeling, try to sleep, and just think about work of course. when i could have been powerwalking for 90 minutes.

so i do not like women because i am sick of being rejected and disappointed by them, and i am sick of them giving it up to other guys and not giving me a chance. hehehe. always the dumped never the dumper hehehehe.

i get angry about high achievers because i used to be a high achiever but then i shat the bed and became a loser, but  i never really liked the pressure of high achievement. what i did like was the middle class status, and the middle class women.

and i still prefer middle class women, but since i am not a middle class high achiever, i feel i will never be worthy of a middle class gurl.

well, i did like two working class gurls, girl 6 and 7. but gurl 7 is successfully becoming middle class thru high achievement in college, career, and masterz degree. good for her.

and girl6 is a filthy mud shark who was prob even more promiscuous than girl 2, and at least girl2 gave me a teensy bit of sechs and not none at all like girl 6!!!!!!!

why do i dislike promiscuous girls? because i think it not good for wives and mothers, it is a reliable indicator that a gurl will be crazy and or dump you, and also it sucks when gurls will bang tons of guys, but NOT YOU, so that makes you feel real omega and kissless and unbangable and not like a man.

and i argue that it is GOOD for a man to feel like a man. it’s healthy. i shouldn’t even need to argue for that.