april 14

so anyway nobody was holding me down, forcing me to be super pessimistic, crushing my dreams. i was just naturally drawn to that! and I had the worst possible “dreams” anyway, music and writing.

NOW, it would have been a good idea to join High School Band and pick a decent instrument like Piano or Bass or Drums in Jazz Band… but I was nowhere near savvy enough to figure that out, plus our hs jazz band kinda sucked, and they really pumped the concert band, which i would have never been interested in. well maybe playing saxophone would be neat.

and i could have banged nerdy young band girls at Band Camp! DAMN!

but no, i was too busy stubbornly trying to write my own music, and getting frustrated when I couldn’t, and drinking too much at too young of an age! and then also writing journals, and stories of Lost Luv. and wasn’t even 18 yet, NICE.

like i said, i should have started seeing a shrink THEN, hehehehe. and not made terrible decisions immed after high school that continue to affect my life over 10 years later.

but i was WAY too stubborn.


so in other words, there was no traumatic event that turned the tide, turned me into a loser. I just developed a very negative attitude for honestly NO good reason. just because it was there, and i overreacted to the littlest things.

thence, It Is Biological, thus, I need Drugz son!

well, I am taking Paxil, and have been for like……..holy sh1t. like 6 or 7 years, started in 2007 or so. not overly impressed there, might switch it to prozac.

i had the paxil taken up to max dose, and then for a while decided to quit it because it was Plutocrat Poison Designed to Enslave The Non Ruling Class, much like Public School is designed to Dumb People Down (Yes, I still believe THAT.)

then that quitting wasn’t really working, so I went back to starting dose of 20 mg. I think I had just seen Girl7 in Summer 2013 and was Bummed Out about that. and have been on 20 mg a day ever since.

what are the Odds of you getting JJ starting hand, and then someone else at a 9 person table getting QQ, KK, or AA?

april 15

so last night i decided to take a full dose of NYQUIL at 9 oclock. by 10pm i was ready for bed and fell fast asleep. got the ole nyquil wearoff wakeup around 3 am. drank a bunch of water, fell back asleep, had one of those annoying “rushing across college campus to get to class just a little bit late” dreams, got up around 10 am. and then felt very Nyquil Hangover til about 4 pm. oh welp. better than an Alcohol hangover!

lesson learned: take the nyquil at like 7 pm, go to bed at 8pm.

so would getting Hot Gurl Action at a younger age have steered me away from becoming a loser?

april 16

possibly, yes. but the point i was making was, I was not really as far off track with wimmin as I thought I was at the time. I thought I was “so far behind”, when really, I was about average for a beta, or just a teensy bit behind; NOW I am way behind, hahahaha.

how about u? hehehe. well, for v9k kissless virgins, yes, you probably are way behind, and I should not tell muh story about the first time I made out with a gurl when I was like 15 or so., hehe.

well a lot more alert and energetic (don’t hear those words often!) this morning without taking any nyquil last night!

although i still like nyquil. got to take it ridiculously early and go to bed ridic early, and is really only feasible if you have the next day OFF.

ANYWAY. just looking back and trying to figure things out here. I prob could have been fixed, or kept on the straight and narrow, with constant positive effort. it would have taken a lot of constant work, since I was naturally drawn towards The Dark Side. I would have had to kept busy 24/7 with Useful, Good Activities, for example, learning a useful trade in high school, making a lot of money in high school, maybe playing in the Jazz Band, not smoking w33d OR drinking, maybe trying to do a bit more with the wimmin, doing some tape trading, focused my musical activities a bit differently (ie just playing covers and not worrying about doing original stuff), or playing diff instruments i cam to enjoy only later, such as piano or drums.

and of course, not going away to an Elite Middle Class College, but just Staying at Home and going to Comm Coll, and or Trade School, while making money at a “Customer Facing” job, and banging all sorts of gurls between 18-22 and sowing MAD Wild Oatz. heh. that would have helped. and with less drinking of course. and going to a shrink before age 25 or so, pref 18 or so. no alc, no drugs, no middle class college, no frustrating fruitless endeavors,  BLA BLA BLA

of course, i cannot go back in time!

BUT, I have been getting into Music More recently, found a couple of good albums I want to listen to, and will fully enjoy doing so, whilst powerwalking.

again, that is one really bad thing about constantly stressing out about work, school, or life: you CANNOT EVEN ENJOY MUSIC ANY MORE.

when I see some person listening to music whilst WORKING, I get a little envious. I wouldn’t even WANT to listen to music, I would just want to be Off Work and go to Sleep.  How About U?

I could MAYBE listen to music for 30 minutes while driving home. that was the Best Part of the Day, as far as FUN goes.

lessons learned: try not to WORRY so much about the JOB. It WILL be better when I go back in May. a good number of people actually LISTEN TO MUSIC ON THE JOB, that would be SWEET if I could be THAT chill. I will be on the PHONES less. that’s was sucks is that some people get lucky and get to minimise their time On Phones. In the past I was On Phones ALL DAY and that SUUUUUCCCCKKKKED. hopefully in the future I can get my phone time reduced SIGNIFICANTLY, Ipso Fatso, a Direct Causation of Signif Reduction in Stress.

How About U?