april 14

went for powerwalk #2 of the day. nothing real great to say. going to distraction free wirting mode in wordpress, that’s pretty cool.

so lazy. as per usu. so, we determined you don’t need my unique brand of militaristic homeschool to produce a successful winning child, indeed, i know plenty of winners who went to plain old marxist dumb u down public school, and they are making 100k + a year, applied themselves, etc. we determined it was all a matter of ATTITUDE, that I had a BAD one from a very early age.

not sure exactly when. i think it was by age 11? 12? it was DEF by age 13, 8th grade. 7th grade sucked too. 6th grade was better, I think. so let’s say it was age 12.

i think it was then that the alpha beta social spectrum started showing up, boys started noticing girls, and the Cool Boys started Getting Gurlfranz. In grade 6, can you believe it! That just meant they would hold hands or make out with girls, nothing extreme. but still.

And I got Teased a LITTLE BIT, certainly not BULLIED, about being a Wimpy Beta Sissy who was scared of Gurls and couldn’t get a Gurlfran. and for some reason, I took that way too far, imagining myself as The Most Unpopular Outcast Ever.

I know I identified with the “Freaks” crowd, the “misfits”,  who were pretty aggressively hostile and hateful towards everyone and everything. Little Nihilists. THAT did not help me at ALL.

So I fell in with the Wrong Crowd then? But they weren’t technically Bad People. The worst we ever did was Smoke Weed occaisionally (in high school). we did not go desecrating graves or beating people up or stealing cars or robbing people or anything really bad!

It was just kind of a Pessimistic Attitude Towards Life, Cynical and Nihilistic, that was Not Frowned Upon. And I glommed onto that like a moth to flame! I had the MOST negative attitude of anyone in the group! Also I was the most beta, having the least success with women of people in the Misfit Freak group.

strangely enough, I was also the best at school in that group.

how about you? hehehehehe.jpg

so I can’t really blame the group. It was the Perfect Storm of my Nihilism, Betaness, Wimpiness, and Good At School, that caused me to be a Misfit Everywhere, Fish out of Water everywhere, etc.

OK so still, what was the first cause of The Nihilism in the first place? The Grade School Group? The Mild Teasing? Main thing was, whatever it was, it was very Mild, and somehow I just glommed onto it and amplified it like crazy, like i liked it or soimething.

in other words, it would have happened at SOME POINT, because I would have inevitably been exposed to some shred of nihilism or negativity at SOME POINT.

Or maybe I was a Chaos-Gnostic who believed we live in a World Of Lies and Illusion!

OK, so is there ANYTHING I did with ANY sort of enthusiasm Ever? Hobbies?

Of course, I always liked music and movies and writing. When I was 13 I wrote an Epic Screenplay about an Uncool Kid who wanted a Gurlfran but his group was scorned by Gurls, then one day a Cute Gurl gave him a Chance, and found out how Cool he was, and then Dated and were In Luv! Quite revealing there!

I also wrote a “Journal” kind of like this; and wrote stories, usually about people in Luv or Out of Luv; listened to a ton of music, I WISH I could still enjoy music like that! Although I listened to really stupid music at the time, I wish I had listened to Better Music, and more diverse kinds (not that diversity is inherently Good, but for Music possibly it is!);

however we did not have Fast Internet back then. I had to save money to Buy CDs, and Buying CD’s was a Big Deal. you really tried to get your moneys worth by listening to crap cd’s more than you prob should have.

although i could have gotten more into Tape Trading. that would have been a great way to learn about more music at a cost effective way.

i also played music. in fact my main life goal was to Be In A Band, and specifically, Play Shows on a Stage. i never managed to do that, and was jealous of muh friends who did.

the REAL weird thing was, I wasn’t TERRIBLY creative with the music. it took me FOREVER to write ONE song. But I prob would have been happy to play music written by someone else too.

I would still not mind playing a Live Concert with a Band, A mix of covers and muh two or three original songs.

the other thing was, I was not terribly CONFIDENT in my musical skills. it was such a struggle. I never felt like a GOOD player, I always SUCKED compared to all the other Real Musicians, and this is still the case more than ever, since I do not practice anymore. Also, creating new music never came naturally to me at all, and that was very frustrating.

heh. so maybe I should have stuck to playing cover songs, and writing. but I did PLENTY of writing, I can assure you. i wrote ALL THE TIME, every day, even more than I do now!

When I was in 8th grade, I think I said I wanted to Become A WRITER. Heh. you can see how that worked out.

I never really liked READING though, strangely enough.

Anyway. Wanting to be a Professional WRITER is pretty much DESTINING yourself for a Life Of Misery And Loserhood. A Writer is the WORST Job to want to be. Because it truly is impossible unless you are a VERY hotshot young journalist going to the BEST schools and being the top 1% of journalism students there. and i was never interested in Journalistic Writing until recently.

And I HATE Journalists. I like to mock them and their bogus profession ruthlessly. Stupid gay middle class marxist hacks. I’m glad I’m NOT a professional writer cuz I can’t think of a single one i respect. my favorite “writers” are unpaid bloggers and vloggers. you can’t GET a job speaking THE TRUTH.