jan 4 2014, sat, 11:39 am

well yesterday I was ridic stressed, so much stress and for so long, that finally it just wore off after like 12 hours, like a bad attack of The Noids, hehe. and slept bretty well surprisingly, no work-related nightmares. Like I’ve said before, Sleeping On It is Almost Always a good Magic Bullet, a Fix, a Solution, a Gift from GOD.

SO now I am thanking GOD for a day off where I can try to Catch Up on Muh Life, and do laundry, (doing right now), go for a VERY BRISK powerwalk, maybe TWO, have not gone all week, omg. THEN go to grocery store, then write two important emails on muh to do list calendar, then maybe write more here, really want to watch one of two movies i have, ideally I would get up at like 7 am sunday to help prep for getting up at 7 am monday and working 10 hours getting reamed nonstop and praying desperately not to fall apart, hehehe.

One of muh Frandz gave me a very nice sweet Xmas gift and I am very thankful for that and for them. Thank GOD, may GOD bless them.

see what I told you about the Newfound Born Again Religious Fanaticism. Once you’ve hit the Bottom of the Barrel, you won’t be Above Turning To Religion for Help and Strength. If you ARE above it, you’re not at the bottom of the barrel yet. you haven’t fallen far enough. you aren’t big enough of a loser.

when you are super stressed out like i was yesterday, that’s hard to break in the moment. the cutest 18yoQT right there in your face cannot. MAYBE true luv can. Theoretically GOD can, in a roundabout way, because he doesn’t take away the stress immediately. he breaks you down to build you up anew, but you still have to Suffer through the Stress First.

Today, Tomorrow, then day after tomorrow, it hits the fan, “GO TIME”, worse case scenario, worse than I could ever imagine, stressful situations increase by a factor of at least ten, and so I need to modify my own internal response according or Fail at the “Game” of Life. Or Find another Middle or Lower Working Class Fulltime Job which starts immediately, hehehehe. I was thinking about hustling THIS weekend and doing that, like spend my entire weekend jobsearching as furiously as possible so that I could find a new job as fast as possible.

I was thinking that I would prefer cleaning Sh1t out of toilets to this, at least that’s not Stressful, the sh1t is calling you on the phone wanting you to handle things you have no idea how to handle!!! you know how to handle the sh1t, you just scoop it out or plunge it out! It’s not like you wouldn’t be wearing GLOVES!!!!!

i think its one of those things where if you make it through the first x days, then you’ll be ok. the first x days are the worst. 7 days? 14 days? 3 weeks?

I will still roll with my worst case scenario described earlier: just sit there and take the abuse and be incompetent, get poorly reviewed, then get “fired” for my poor reviews, and then at the firing I’ll deliver my prepared Firing Speech of Supplication, PLEEEEEEASE don’t “FIRE” me, just “lay me off”, I’ll do ANYTHING not to be made permanently unemployable by the black mark of “FIRED”, think of my job applications and the questions they ask in the FUTURE, like “have you ever been TERMINATED from a position”, I want to be able to answer a resounding NO. That’s not too much for me to ask. I was showing up and trying and really stressing out. PLEASE. I’ll give you $100.

and we concluded that I wouldn’t even HAVE to give them $100, that they’d probably done that before, and would be FINE with not “FIRING” you, and that you would be safe from Permanent Unemployability.

Jeez. I can’t imagine having a FAMILY at a time like this. I just want to chill out, I don’t even want to go out and hang out with Muh Frandz really.  just want to sleep for 48 hours, hehehehe.

A real when the going gets tuff, the tough get going sort of thing here. what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. and I would HATE to be the type of person who always QUITS when the going gets tough.

well the good news, that’s a fallacy, that’s not really a “TYPE OF PERSON”, Let’s call it “THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO” Fallacy. And a very big one it is. Sure, I have Gave Up and Quit in the past, but that doesn’t mean I will here. I can break that pattern. It’s not like I’m giving up every day. Of course, I have been avoiding Tough Situations like this one. but it would be real nice if I could just power through and not give up here. just last THREE MONTHS. essentially it is just Three Months of Hell, and then soon after that you get laid off. Just make it three months, make it to the layoff, and then reevaluate then. By then the job might not seem so bad and I will be a lot more confident, GOD WILLING.

so yeah it’s OBVIOUSLY one of those things that will REALLY pay off if I can get through this “learning curve” ie torturous stress curve. Not even a Blessing “in disguise”, but a straight up BLESSING, because this is developing a VERY VALUABLE SKILL 4 LIFE: talking to people confidently in stressful situations, and just communicating with people without nervousness, not being afraid to talk to people. I have ALREADY grown a lot just talking to all the coworkers, starting to Joke Around with my Colleague Neighbors.

But yeah I KNOW on monday morning I will be bowing down praying like a muslim again, and that’s not a problem, hehehe the problem is getting thru monday without any Nervous Breakdowns, and then getting up tuesday, wed, thurs, and fri, and doing it again and again.

ok next post hehehe.