jan 3 2014 10:22 pm

well muh FRIENDS I yi yi. I HAVE to type here. this is a gift from GOD. GOD has been giving a lot of gifts, and a LOT of tests lately. How will I get through these tests? Easy. By the GRACE of GOD.

Yep, I am becoming a Born Again Bible Thumping Religious FANATIC the past two days, yes it’s job related.

so now we are actually doing the jobs we were trained for, problem is, it really is kinda hard to train for this job. or you would need a full MONTH of training, not a full WEEK, and a full week of training is more than 99% of jobs give.

GOD I don’t want to give too much about the job away to the public, since I value my privacy and anonymity AND I don’t want to get FIRED for blogging about the job.

But fight or flight, stress, fear, and anxiety are really pushing me to the limit right now. I gave profuse thanks to GOD that I did not break down and cry like a little girl right in front of my colleagues and the people I was servicing.

It involves a lot of talking to customers/clients on the phone; about computer and other technical problems experienced by employees of a large company. they have computer or tech problems, software, internet, web apps, many company specific proprietary software and apps that nonemployees have no need to see or ever know about.

problem is, I feel like a huge FRAUD and PHONY because the people calling me about their tech problems KNOW MORE about these programs than I do, and they’re calling ME for help!!!!!

I had the thought cross my mind several times today, the second day of Actual Work Work doing the Job Job, ie TALKING to PEOPLE about PROBLEMS, I thought, good lord, I CAN’T HANDLE THIS, I CAN’T DO THIS, I’m in WAY over my head, I can’t stay calm and think straight, I can’t keep a cool head, I can’t even type simple words in, I can’t READ and COMPREHEND simple words from the articles I need to use to assist me in helping the people.

they don’t expect you to KNOW everything, but to be able to SEARCH for help articles, and then READ and USE those help articles to help the people. And reading simple words WHILE talking to a person on the phone and then comprehending and following the article is rough. I suddenly lose 100 IQ points and need 2 word sentences like I am 5. ALL because of the f00king NERVES. Damn.

If I could just be CALM and NOT FREAK OUT, it wouldn’t MATTER if I didn’t KNOW how to fix their thing….which is just about everything right now.

I was nervous during training, but that was because it was a new job and I wanted to make a decent impression during training, which I did thank GOD.

But THIS is a WHOLE diff story. this is like the hazing, rite of initiation, swim or sink, throw you to the wolves, tested by GOD, fight or flight or freeze (hehehe), breaking in period. the part where the weak ones quit!

That was why I loved my old job, because there was never anything like that. it was 9000000x less stressful, and i do not handle stress well. however it HAS been a good 7 almost 8 years since I last “RAGEQUIT” a job. great word but the way. but it would be more like a panic attack, fearquit, cry like a little baby quit.

We do get a lot of support from the people around us and without them GOD only knows. they have SAVED me on almost every case/person/problem I get. I thank GOD for them and their help.

and I am quickly getting along with them, thank GOD. I just don’t want to fall apart on the phone and become known as The Guy Who PANICS and always needs EXTRA HELP. Because we will, in THREE DAYS, after this weekend, which I just got started on THANK GOD, but MONDAY the SH1T hits the fan and I am just not READY for it!

Now it’s OK not to be ready ready for it, not to know the answer to everything, to not be able to fix everything, but you have to show a confident face and voice to the people or else they will “eat you alive.”  be confident and charismatic and act like you are the f00king BOSS, show no weakness, be an alpha male in control of the situation, even when you are FURTHEST from that, when you are Actually Incompetent.

The good news is that EVERYONE is shaky and nervous and weak when they first start out, I just fear that I am 9000000x worse than THAT!

But the other good news is that I have been getting along with and talking to the people there, my co-workers, better than anyone ever expected. I just pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray that I make it through this trial period and not RAGEQUIT.

Talk about a sh1tty thing, and I’ve done two “Ragequits” in my life, one was that job 7 years ago, and another was I Ragequit COLLEGE  over TEN years ago now, and THAT was the bigger one, still regret it, has still affected me 10+ years later. Yes I did get back in and finish up muh USELESS DEGREE with Crappy Extracurriculars, INternships, and Experience, ie not competitive, that is why I’m still a LOSER 10+ years later.

So this new job and new duties and talking to people on phone is just a test, it’s GOD testing me and THIS IS HOW He is MAKING me Strong, MAKING me confident, MAKING me charismatic, MAKING me handle stressful situations, MAKING me learn how to be cool under pressure. By applying that pressure like a MADMAN, hehehe.

to be continued…..