jan 10 2014 FRIDAY 10:21pm

wow. made it thru hell week #1. got 2 days off. wow. last weekend SUCKED because I was WORRIED SICK the whole time, except for friday night, the longest possible time before Moar Work. And now it’s that time again. just partying by listening to Chill Jazz and Writing, hehehe. drinking coffee at 10pm just to prolong this, but still super tired. might even only be able to manage 1 post hehe.

well i’ve gotten a lot better but I still don’t like it. I am starting to get into the groove but it’s just Too Damn Busy. I am Faking the Confidence better and Better, THANK GOD.

yep. really tired. looking forward to going for a huge long brisk powerwalk tomorrow. making my talking mp3 file. If I keep getting better at my new job, and stop freaking out about it, I might even not be so desperate to find a new one. But DEF want to find a new one by Dec 2014 at the latest.

really can’t believe I made it. you know who I thank for helping me thru.

wow this is weird, I thought I’d be typing like a madman and write another 5 posts in one night like I did last friday, but my GOD. not so much. just want to relax, and I actually might even be ABLE to!!!

when it’s not busy, it’s not so bad. starting about 7pm it is pretty good. but before that, not so much.

Heh. Just want to be a FT Maintenance Man with a Union and 401k, do that till I’m 75 and they have to carry me out, be a permanent bachelor, master Game and bang the women of my choosing, by the time I’m 50, select a good mother of my children and have 3 children, actually prob would be best to have 3 children by 3 different mothers, and my sweet FT Union Maintence Job would be enough to support muh Kids, homeschool them and teach them how to win and have 3 children of their own each someday, have them go to trade school and make money, or stemgineering and make money.

tried watching this movie I started out, couldn’t last an hour, turned it off at 12:20am and crashed. woke up at 9:30 am or so.

unfort had a dream about Girl7. Darn. It was a pretty powerful dream, but thank GOD it hasn’t ruined my day. Innit, she was standing before me wearing only underwear that were normal sized and not super slutty; and her beautiful breasts we exposed, and she looked very scared and nervous, like this was the first time she was doing this. I was touching her skin firmly but gently and kneeling before her Crotch to slowly pull down her underwear and she was gasping as I did so, to slooooooowly reveal her Bush and Genitalia and Buttocks and Oh LORD. hehehe I will never know that feel. As for her, she is possibly a Lesbian or Asexual, not even joking, 50% chance of one of those two. If she actually IS Heterosexual, she has a very low Sex Drive and does not like any kind of Physical Contact whatsoever: Sex,  Weird Sex, Making Out, Cuddling, Hand Holding, Hugging, Kissing.  Nope. None of it.

so I was productive and went to the Store before noon. saw 1 nice MILF. Came home and purchased some SILVER on the internet, first time I’ve done that. kinda got ripped off on shipping and fees though, but I was really looking to spend X$ on Silver, and that I did. might try a diff vendor next time. I went to one of the big guys and bought Y oz of silver bars.  when a gallon of gas costs 9000$ and a loaf of bread costs $1000 and my 1 oz of silver is worth $20k, you’ll rue the day, hehehe.

buy a silver round commemorating the country of your ethnic origin.

trying Jolly Rancher Soft Candies, because I prefer soft chewy fruity candies like Starbust or Mamba. Jolly Rancher Chews are pretty good, not as chewy as starburst, and unfort often leave the tiniest of paper residue on. but still pretty good. 7/10

went for a nice powerwalk, it was not freezing out there, but everything was covered in water and slush, because there was a big snowstorm, then ridiculous subzero cold, then a huge warmup to like 40 degrees, then a ton of rain. I will take it if that’s what it takes to get rid of the ridic cold and snow.

yeah technically that dream DID suck, cuz she was the last gurl I ever Luved, and I won’t have you tell me I didn’t, that I only THINK it was “love”, and I’m Deluded. Nope. It was TRUE LOVE. Otherwise I wouldn’t be having these dreams 15 months after The Rejection. (Although I did see her briefly a little over a month ago, across the room, and I hid from her, and she didn’t see me).

sure there are a few Cute Gurls at muh new job, but I’m not super duper interested in them, I’m not gonna have DREAMS about them, I will pump em and dump em if the time comes, if it doesn’t I just won’t care. even the gurl I thought was REALLY HAWT before, now I think is kinda Stumpy. Well, just the slightest bit stumpier than I thought she was. I Really don’t like Stumpy Legs. HUGE turnoff for me. although with her it’s not so bad I wouldn’t Banger!

At the store I bought a Ridiculous Rain Poncho for doing Powerwalks in the Rain. THey had “emergency ponchos” which were $1 and then slightly nicer ones which were $8, which I bought. Buy a Poncho or Raincoat so you can Walk In The Rain. I did not have to wear it because it stopped raining thank GOD.


I also bought a pair of Dark Blue Relaxed Fit WRANGLER Jeans, and I regret not doing so earlier, or buying Two Pairs right now. (although they were a little expensive, I don’t like paying $24 for jeans, but damn these are WORTH IT.)  very masculine jeans with more room in the Seat and Thighs than Normal, f4ggy jeans.



jan 9 1001pm

yep. was thinking BOOT CAMP would be EASY compared to this, because even if they’re MEAN and SCREAMING at you to do stuff fast, they’re at least telling you exactly what to do. I think. like make the bed super tight, shine your shoes, etc. unless the military sucks, and that’s why people leave the military, hehehe. there are a number of veterans and ex-military at muh job now. why didn’t they just stay in the military? wasn’t it better than this?

the people here are DESPERATE because they have KIDS to support and huge huge crippling DEBT to pay off, that’s why they are angry when their overtime gets cut, and I understand that. but thank GOD I do not have KIDS or Super Crippling Debt, thank GOD, I am not that DESPERATE., thank GOD, that’s why I became a believer, because my situation in life is really GOOD, and I SHOULD be thankful.

Dunno. I CAN handle some stress. just not this much. been handling it OK so far, but now I’m worried about when I will snap.

just about any job seems better. well…. hehehe there ARE a LOT of really sh1tty stressful jobs out there, and EVERY job is stressful in its own way.

I was worried when I started my previous job, nervous. But I SWEAR I wasn’t THIS nervous, for so long, and I built confidence quickly because the tasks were simple and straightforward. and the customer contact wasn’t nearly as stressful, and finding answers to their questions was easy.

makes me even reconsider going to GRAD SKOOL for what my old job was, just to work in that type of place again, however, that job market SUCKS, and tons of people get that grad degree, but no job, because the amt of jobs is shrinking. so, no grad skool then, hehehehe.

FUNERAL HOME. that’s another MAGIC BULLET. I actually KNOW a guy who has a FT Funeral Home job, and he has not quit after a few months hehehe. he helps out around the funeral home, drives the hearse, drives the bodies to from the morgue, helps embalming, etc, prob stands around with a suit during the services, don’t think he is heavily involves with the “sales” or “customer service” portion. i mean either you have the power to haggle prices for the funeral or you don’t, right??? I should be pumping THIS guy to get me in at the funeral home!!!!!!

and DEF setting up a funeral home indeed search!


not sure if I can suggest that you go to GRAD SKOOL in “Mortuary Science”. I guess if you can get in on a good job, then go ahead.

what else.  yep also muh job is noisy and there’s too many people in the office. it just looks and sounds overwhelming. couple that with the calls and damn.

CALL CENTER. a very unique kind of hell.


was also thinking it would be great to be a Maintenance Man. I got real friendly with a Maint Man at my previous job. Real friendly. Great guy, and he did not seem to HATE his job or be STRESSED OUT all the time. he would get overtime, but doing straightforward maint tasks like plowing the parking lot after a snowstorm or setting up for an event. not really ANY customer contact to tell the truth, just walking around and doing little stuff and chit chatting with everyone in the departments.  i would do his job for less than they are paying him, hehehe. theoretically. I want him to keep his job till he retires, he is a good man, good man with a family, children.

f00000k. SO should have gotten an ENGIN degree and not a gay f4gg0t455 useless “social sciences” degree. come ON, I was a stupid angsty KID, I didn’t KNOW any better!!!!!!!!!!!


I’d clean disgusting sh1t out of a toilet as long as I had gloves. I’d buy my own f00king gloves! buy my own gloves, uniform, mask, I don’t care!

who gives a sh1t if those jobs are loser jobs and no woman will want you. I don’t WANT a woman. I have never wanted a woman LESS in my life. I just want a Low Stress FT Job, hehehe. Dear God.

midnight shift warehouse stocking job.

gas station clerk.

go to indeed and just search “full time.” period.

ACCOUNTS PAYABLE CLERK. you can learn ACCOUNTING for Gods sakes. I got in A in 3 accounting classes. not hard.

heh. when you are DESPERATE to GET OUT of your current job, amazing how that will make you WANT to JOB SEARCH. before, I was not really motivated to job search, because I was not DESPERATE to GET OUT. I LIKED my job, I just knew I “had to” get out of it because it was a total loser job, but by GOD I LIKED it, so I didn’t TRY real hard to get a diff job.



janu 9 2014 10.22am

woke up little early today, lord God, thank God I am surviving. this is rough. got muh OT cut today and lots of people are unhappy about losing Big OT Bux, but I am THANKFUL for shorter shifts and less stress. I saw one person say “MONEY > SLEEP” and that was very illustrative, because I think “SLEEP >>>> MONEY” and especially “LOWER STRESS >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> MONEY”. Dear Lord God Almighty.

Again I appreciate the skills I’ve developed in such a short time. If I had schmoozed at my old job with the Schmoozing Srevice skillz I’ve shown just in the past one week, I might have schmoozed my way into a Decent FT job THERE. been comfortable talking to Department HEads, Manager’s Managers, etc, and kissing A into a sweet FT cushy lifetime job.


And My Eval where I was given a Passing Score on the very first week, when the average for first week is Way, Way below passing, well that Objectively Proves I have GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS TALKING.

call center. just the words bring up that feeling of fear, anxiety, DREAD. I forgot to mention DREAD as part of that mind and sould-killing anxiety, worst feeling in the world by far. DREAD.

call center. phones. callers. phone time. call center. call center. I dread to even think the words. I hesitated using them before, as it might identify me and get me fired for blogging about muh JOB, but that might actually be kind of interesting really. I’m not saying anything BAD about the people, the company, or the managers, I’m just saying the darn call center environment is super stressful, WAY more stress and dread than I’m used to, and it’s taking a while to get used to it, if that lasts more than two weeks, i’m dipping into emergency fund, going to doc, and demanding XANAX.

said that would be two weeks from last friday, jan 3rd. so doc on friday jan 17 if no better. but it HAS gotten better even in one week. that first post where I really started freaking out? that was a REAL SLOW DAY where I was only on phones for like five hours. NOT a BUSY day where I was on phones for TEN hours. And i’ve handled a couple of those without dying.

and to be fair, it’s not pure talking for ten hours. only seven! it does slow down near the end THANK GOD. THANK GOD.

jan 9 2014 942 pm

darn. outta WORK, only 8.5 hours today, not 10.5, meaning, time to PARTY, ie, BLOG haha. no really I should be using this time to squeeze out job apps, so I can interview Next Week, get a job offer Next Week, and then Start the job the following week. should be busting 4ss. because muh current/new job is dreadful. absolutely dreadful. so I can do the fake confidence, i’m even getting moar REAL confidence. but I cannot imagine how Manual Labor could be worse than THIS. the only thing that could possibly be worse is a RESTAURANT. in fact, thhis seems very much like a restaurant, with 900000000000000 very detailed items on the menu, where you also have to do a lot of Cooking in addition to Serving.

maybe i am just butthurt about Training, a diff method of training might have worked better. for example: have new people take calls the very first day, BUT have TWO people take the calls, where the newbie says the easy stuff just to practice saying it, and the seasoned pro jumps in to handle the tech details and gently guide the newbie. and “break in” the newbies during slow times only. and do not let the newbies take calls alone until they have taken at least 100 calls and actually FEEL good and confident and say so.  yep that would have been a lot better.

well this is my punishment for not taking initaive during “shadowing”, where we got like 3 days of watching people take calls, and during a kind of slow time. the REAL go getters would actually take those calls, and have a seasoned person right there to help them. I should have been more gung ho about taking those calls when there was actually someone there to help, rather than sit back and just watch and listen and observe and ask questions, hehehe.

it would have prob been a lot better if I STARTED at a slow time, rather than starting RIGHT BEFORE “peak season.”

heh. this might light a fire under my A to actually start TRADE SCHOOL for electrician or HVAC or welding. I would go to trade school 100 hours a week starting tomorrow if it was chiller than this job.

I UNDERSTAND you ALWAYS have to deal with CUSTOMERS at SOME point on the job. its UNAVOIDABLE. i dealt with customers all the time at muh previous job. but they asked the same 5 questions over and over again, and there was always someone I could direct them to for further help. thats what I really don’t like about the new job. It’s real difficult to get help from others when you really need it, and if you really sh1t the bed on a call, you have no parachute or lifeline. you just have to stumble through and hope the cust hangs up on you rather than berates you for an hour because you can’t help them and you can’t turn to anyone else to fix it for you. you have to stay calm and engineer the solution yourself, and if you’re drowing, no one will save you. That I do NOT like.

YES these IS a way to access help from higher-level people. BUT this method is very shaky and slow because there are so many lower level people that need higher level help for weird stuff, so it becomes a waiting game of us, waiting on them, and then trying to communicate that stuff CONFIDENTLY to the caller.

ok next post.

janu 8 2014 quick post

jan 8 2014 11.19pm

real quick again. no more than 11 mins. got thru wednes of “hell week”, or hell weeks, or hell 3 months. THANK GOD I made it thru each day fairly unscathed. great character building, but god damn this is hard as hell. i know i can handle it, which is huge, but still large amounts of nervousness. still very nervous to take that first call of the day. because there’s so much i still don’t know, and I gotta pretend i know it. THANK GOD made it thru 3 days without breaking down. today had about 14 calls, on phone a total of 7.5 hours. JEEZ. Yeah I CAN prob stick it out 3 more months, and then layoff, then after layoff its a lot easier (i think)….but DEF do not want to be there in jan 2015, REALLY hope I can find a better job, by that I mean chiller and less stressful. I would take a SIGNIF pay cut to go to less stress. Miss muh old job. was PERFECT. the most stressful day there is way less stressful than the least stressful day here, hehehehe.

but couldn’t LIVE OFF that job, can sort of live off this one. but yeah. i would take a SIGNIF pay cut. almost not worth the money in other words. my coworkers are great but the environment is way more than i bargained for. it is less of an IT job than a talking/service job, in other words. don’t want to say much more while I am still in theri employ.

worth it for the skill building and i want to write all that stuff down on the res before I forget it;

ALSO want to record myself talking on an mp3 using my newly discovered confident BS’ing voice, because this confidence WILL STRONGLY improve my interview for ANY and EVERY job, but I think if I don’t use it or have a record of it, it WILL atrophy, I WILL forget it, and I don’t want to forget that. Now I could actually show the confidence to pass an interview for a GOOD job. maybe.

but would be 90000000z times better of an interviewee than 2 months ago. so RECORD SELF TALKING.

ummmm4 mins. will be able to say much more when I am out of the job.

if it is NOT chill after coming back from the layoff, then all the more reason to get out of there ASAP.

but yeah I would gladly take a 15% pay cut for a 50% cut in stress, hehehehe, i’ll say it again.

but the decent-paying, low-stress jobs are the ones everybody wants and are so hard to get, so you go to f4ggige and get internsh1ts, hehehe. and masterz degrees and phdz.

was thinking about warehouse work, inventory, just loading and unloaded; hilos; thinking about night time security guard now that would be sweet heheh.

or a tech job setting up computers all day, entry level, just with less f00king phones. i actually got a great rating on muh performances, WAY better than average for newbie, they thought I had experience with this type of stuff. nope, I would get under 5 quick, fast, easy phone calls a day at most, all under 1 minute.

would love to get back with my old employer but they have NO FT jobs, only PT jobs. this is the devil’s work. I predict in 5 years my stressful job will have all part timers doing this job. the only reason people are putting up with this and not walking out IN DROVES is because of the decent money, and tons of hours, and Overtime. if it were part time, half the people would quit. guarantee.

lord knows the thought has crossed my mind! 3 days is enough character building for me. i appreciate it for what it is and the lessons it has tought me in theis short time. but my god. my GOD. just too much, even if I CAN 80% fake my way through it.  the g0d dam PHONES. yeah its DOES get better once you get more familiar with the 9000000 different issues I guess.

as opposed to the less than 5 issues i would get short, infrequent phone calls about before. that was great. or the same annoying repetitive question 100 times a day? PERFECT. don’t know what you got till its gone hahaha.

i would LOVE a FT job doing what I did before, but it just doesn’t EXIST. well, it KINDA does, but those few people are gonna stay in that job till they retire, and I can’t blame them.

got the rest of my overtime cancelled this week and I am HAPPY about it. most people are upset because it means a lot of money gone for this week, as OT is paid at time and a half, but now I’m saying, THANK GOD, I will give up time and a half for an 8 hour shift instead of a 10 hour shift, 2 extra hours of sleep, my GOD, thank GOD.

heh that’s why i’m kinda happy now and HAD to write.

but yeah. got to take a LONG powerwalk on saturday, record a LONG talk file into my recorder, and SAVE that on muh cloud forever just to listen to when I am job searching, or need the talking skills after this job. Talking skills are SO POWERFUL but I wish it had been turned up to 5 or less, rather than going from 0 to 11 overnight.

cannot take much more than 5!

and i think you could still maintain decent talking skills at 5!!!

well this will def make me more PROACTIVE in seeking jobs during off time, pursuing them agressively, CALLING the companies, TALKING to the managers, GETTING the interview, and ACEING the interviews, and GETTING a new job ASAP.

ANd of course I would give a generous parting gift to the people involved with getting my job, very nice sweet decent people that I would consider friends as it was my friendliness with them beforehand that got me the job, and I certainly would lot want to “leave them behind” after I leave, still hang out and stuff. would like to get them jobs and repay the favor!!!

but yeah gotta escape. do NOT like this much stress. heh probably hitting the GYM HARDCORE, EVERY DAY would help relieve.

janu 6 2014 update

jan 6 2014 1034pm

REAL QUICK. can only take 10 mins tops here. had first day of living hell and THANK GOD, THANK THE ONE TRUE GOD ABOVE, THANK YOU LORD FOR GIVING ME CONFIDENCE, I made it through the first day without breaking down, melting down, freaking out. How did I do it? Through the grace of God, helping me Talk Like A Boss. I can SOUND like a boss even if I have no idea whats going on.

EVERYTHING WENT BETTER THAN EXPECTED. Think I did 11 calls. some of the calls were long, actually way too long, but just gettin gthrough the day alive, without crying, is enough for me today. I did it. 10 hours of calls. it slowed down near the end of the day, the last 2 hours or so THANK GOD. it might not always be that way. I am amazed that I made it, but I’m not amazed in the power of THE LORD. And I guess I am better at Faking Sounding confident, enough that I can keep the callers generally happy. I think I did better with the women than the men. one man intimidated the hell out of me at first, he was a old fashioned southern gentleman. i think the trick here is to be military confident, no nonsense, and after a few minutes even he softened up and made some small talk and I was happy to oblige him.  thankfully that led to about an hour of work on his stuff where I was able to Not take calls during a very busy call time, THANK GOD.

Even though I was never 100% sure of myself, whenever I picked up the phone, miraculously I pulled through. COnsciously tried to speak a little slower, which is what you’re supposed to do, makes you sound more confident. Gained some ACTUAL objective confidence in switching between all the 9000000 screens, and getting better at typing notes while talking. and those things add to the actual confidence too, rather than scrambling like a spag pockets.

So I just wanted to say that, THANK GOD, everything went better than expected, PLEASE GOD let me keep this up now and into the future. Usually if you sound confident, then I’ve found you are more calm in searching for the answer, then then by GOD you sometimes find that answer in good time, and that does lead to REAL confidence. Point is, any confidence, real or fake, leads to a better call.

another 10 hour day tomorrow, should be neat. ANNNNDDDDD to top it all off, we had the hugest snowstorm in 20 years last night and could barely get out of muh neighborhood. but I managed to do it, and to get there IN TIME. WOW.  and then the car THANK GOD started at the end of the day when it was WELL below 0 NOT counting the wind chill. smoked only ONE cig thru course of 10.5 hour day, SO COLD my fingers were burning. did smoke 1 cig immed upon arriving, then it was morning and a LITTLE warmer, like 7 degrees hehehehe. BUT THANK GOD the main roads were ok, and muh car was good. THANK GOD. there were SO many people having car trouble. THANK GOD for my privilege.

If you think me saying THANK GOD 9000000 times in this post is SANCTIMONIOUS, go F off. I am just so grateful and so happy, WORRYING SICK about this RUINED my entire weekend, and THANK GOD the first day back went well. not perfect but if every day was this good, i’d be fine with that. it is kinda exhausting though. got to get to bed NOW, getting up at 6:20 am tom, got errand to run, its gonna be just as COLD but at least no fresh snow, please GOD let the car start, let me get there in time from muh errand, let the roads not be death traps of sheer black ice, and most of all, please GOD help me be as confident tomorrow as I was today. THANK YOU GOD.

yeah that WORRYING was the WORST feeling in the world, the WORST I’ve been in a while, and I thank GOD that living hell is over. THAT was worse than the actual time I was on the phone today, I know I was on the phone at LEAST 5 or 6 of my 10 hours. crazy right?

DEFINITELY a good learning and character building experience; DEF a huge RES building thing; DEF make me better at interviews; DEF prepare me for a better job in the future, hopefully something a bit chiller hehe. I can do this a little bit but wouldn’t want to do it forever. PLEASE GOD JUST LET ME LAST THREE MONTHS until things die down and I get the layoff in Q2.

also, by taking these calls and doing all these things, I LEARN stuff which will help me in FUTURE calls. if not direct fixes, then something to get me close, AND to make me sound more CONFIDENT, and that’s the most important thing. THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME SUCCESSFULLY SOUND CONFIDENT TODAY.

Ok bedtime.


sun jan 5 2014, 11:05 am

usually don’t get a chance to get on the puter before going to sunday MASS, but here I am. still worried sick. On Jan 17th I call the Dr and try to get a Xanax prescription, IF things are not getting better. now thinking I might need to still “HIT BOTTOM” and then things will start looking up from there.

also telling self that I NEED this, it is making me a BETTER STRONGER PERSON, and it really IS, because the power to talk to people on the phone is a very powerful Business and Life Skill.

Heh. I think I would rather deal with angry people in real life, right in front of me, than deal with them on the PHONE.

heh. well i hope i hit bottom real quick because I can’t take much more hehehe. i accept that bottom may involve rushing to the bathroom and crying, but I also hope I can get back out and return to the phone in ohhhhhhh  say 5 minutes.

oh yeah. also forgot to add there is a feel of nausea in there as well, like you’re going to puke. everything is so wrong and intense you want to PUKE, all the color drains from your skin, you look like a DEER IN HEADLIGHTS, and you just might PUKE.

could not finish the movie last night, it was ok, kinda boring, so I just watched exactly half of it and went to bed lights out by about 950pm, hoping to get muh einstein 10 hours, get up at 8, go to 10 am mass, get muh shopping and emails done. but no, slept till like 9:40 or so, had weird dreams, not work related thankfully.

but one that someone had found a website where this girl was posting amateur p0rn vidyas of herself getting banged, she thought it was great, and obv wanted the whole world to see. implication was that it was a gurl we actually knew. and she was getting upset because Mean Internet Bullies were calling her a slut or skank because she had posted a particularly nasty video of her taking up the A brutally, then doing an A to Mouth, or getting blasted on the face, and she viewed this as celebrating her spiritual positive sexuality, while everyone else saw it rightfully as her being a crazy wh0re. also we guys were butthurt because she wouldn’t let US bang her, yet here she posted all these vidyas of these somehow more alpha males banging her.

WEIRD dream, eh?

even now amd feeling tired, wouldn’t mind a nap, but gotta get up early tom and do OVERTIME, my god. plus the weather is gonna be REAL bad. hopefully The Bottom comes soon, it looks and feels like it’s heading there.

but every call makes me stronger and better and helps me get nearer to mastering this useful skill which is part of being MASCULINE AND will help me in all areas of my life, all throughout my life, including job search, and wimmin.

5:31pm ok i wrote muh emails AND went to the store.

well i will try not to quit because quitting would be worse that the pressure I’m current facing, because it will make me A Quitter, and be frowned upon by Future Employers. I mean it took me at least a month to Be Fully Confident in my previous job, and THAT was 9000000000000000000000000000X EASIER and Less Stressful than this one. that means it will take at LEAST two or three more weeks to Be Confident at THIS job. Every call you learn something, every call you get better and stronger, more confident and less nervous. heh. I would rather be disgruntled and burnt out and hateful, rather than nervous. Already I am hearing grumblings of people who “should have been” promoted, oh you mean just because they do good work, and for several years, where people who deserve it less are promoted instead.

So I already know what I would do then. If I am not promoted by the time I feel I should be promoted, then I Check Out Mentally and focus on getting a new job. A LATERAL move even if not a vertical one. Sometimes this even coerces your old company to hire you back at a higher level. Heck I heard stories like that from the new people about some of their previous jobs.

and we are getting really, really, really, really bad winter weather to boot, like the worst in 20 years, and frostbite warnings for wind chill temperatures I cannot ever remember seeing in muh life. ridiculous -20, -30 type stuff, can’t even go outside to smoke a cig even though this is when you want to the most.

i guess if i were to quit i’d have a 60% chance of getting my old job back, 60% chance of a pay decrease though. now that job pays less than some people get in unemployment insurance, but it least it was regular throughout the year and it was easy and stressless.

i tell myself that larry david was a huge loser in his 20s and prob 30s too, working deadend jobs, quitting deadend jobs, going nowhere, and now he’s worth 400 million hehehe.

was happy to go to church today and pray to the LORD. saw the one 18 yo or 17 yo big girl that I like, haven’t been liking her as much, could be the stress killing muh libido, could be she looks a bit better in muh mind than in real life, who knows. certainly my libido HAS gone down since all this stress.

all this talk about quitting is bad. I CANNOT quit. Said I would last one year. And really I just have to last THREE MONTHS, then I get a layoff, then I come back and it WILL be chill then. Just last three months. maybe I can arrange it so I do not have two days off in a row, because the WAITING is killing me now. My entire Weekend Sucked because I was worried sick the whole time.

And what’s real funny is, during the actual CALLS, I am OK. I am not horrible. I have gotten through the calls OK, even when one or two of them got a little frustrated, that didn’t really bother me too much. what really KILLED me was the WAITING in BETWEEN calls, WAITING for the phone to inevitably ring, THAT was by far the worst. That was prob worse than actually BEING ON the actual call!!!!!!! So just remember that. Theoretically, then, it stands to reason that it would be better to be on the phone more than OFF the phone, waiting.

GOD have mercy on me, GOD help me Be CONFIDENT LIKE A BOSS. Help me ACT confident, help me SOUND confident, even though I may be worried inside, I can still SOUND confident, and that will make things easier.  Just put on an act. Go With The Flow. Sell Your BS as one person said. Show COnfident Charisma, like a Black Rapper. This is why people listen to all that Bass Bumping Top 40 Party Rap, because those guys have more CONFIDENCE and SWAGGER than ANYONE. Of course I have to be more PROFESSIONAL than that, But I would do well to emulate their Alpha Male Confidence at least.



yeah that’s supposed to read

ANXIETY >>>>>>> SADNESS >>>>>>> ANGER. see below for explanation.

sat jan 4 14 7:08 pm

well at least i did laundry & powerwalk today.

i would say Worry, Anxiety, Nervousness, Fear is the WORST FEEL EVER, way worse than Sadness, which itself is way worse than Anger. HELL, anger is downright HAPPY, it’s the happiest of the negative feels, or the most positive of them. with sadness, you don’t care if someone’s screaming at you for being incompetent. you say, yeah so what, i just don’t care about anything because everyone I ever loved is dead  or rejecting me or doesn’t exist.  and anger i don’t even need to say, is just fun, you can go about your daily life VERY well being angry all day. but not nervous!

so “fight or flight” is a bit misleading, because you’ll fight when you’re angry probably, and flee if you’re scared. or FREEZE if you’re REAL scared.  and this famous term may them imply to you that anger and fear are about equal, when they are not, fear is much, much, much worse and harder to live with.

I really like the final scene of Mulholland Drive, this kind of captures a sense of the fear (HUGE SPOILERS, do not watch if you haven’t seen this CLASSIC MOVIE)

ok can’t find youtube. so i will describe and SPOIL it: naomi watts is sitting on the couch racked with very desperate fear, worry, and guilt. Sickening mix of feels like only the master david lynch can capture. great that he throws GUILT in there, as there IS often a sense like you’ve done something horribly, horribly wrong, and you are a bad, horrible, inadequate failure loser of a person. in the movie, well she was guilty for a damn good reason, she had her lesbian lover murdered by a hitman, and she’s up late at night alone with her worrying, she stares at the blue box, or is it the blue key. yep the blue key given to her by the hitman siugnifying the hit is done. then we see the horrifying Bum Behind Winkies in blatant, full, deliberate view, revealed in full for the first time, and he holds the blue box in a brown paper bag. he drops the bag to the ground and out of it comes scurrying two little old people, man and woman, presumable naomi/betty/whatever her name is grandparents who raised her and possibly molested her and who you onyl saw once before at the beginning, dropping her off in LA. (whole movie is weird btw). the little mini people, literally an inch tall, are kind of funny, until you figure lynch is gonna do something weird with them, and of course he does, they suddenyl become full size and are in naomi’s face immediately, causing her to scream and freak out much like I imagine myself freaking out. she screams hysterically as they “chase” her to her bed, where she frantically grabs for a gun in the bedside drawer, and very seriously and efficiently puts the gun in her mouth and blows her brains out and that’s the damn end of the movie, cue intense music, smoke, fade in of the man behind winkies, and the empty stage in club silencio, roll credits to one of the best movies of ALL TIME.

anyway point is, that kinda captures it. you’re sitting there until the bad thing happens, it is as bad as you fear, and you stumble away screaming, so desperate to end this crazy feel you’d gladly take the nearest gun and blow your brains out RIGHT NOW.

it’s kinda like that, except I’m not gonna blow my brains out, and I did nothing wrong like KILL somebody.

worse case scenario, I would run out and never come back.

now it is almost 8 pm, want to watch a movie soon, not sure if I should watch a farce comedy or a serious drama hehehe.

again not only is it going to be super stressful monday but super LONG, 10 hours, so I want to get to bed earlyish tonight, get up earlyish sunday, because i plan on getting up at 7:15 am on monday and then going off to the killing floor for 10 (and a half!) hours. but getting paid for 11 hours hehehe.  “NICE.”

I guess if I ran out, I would have to sneak back in when I was done sobbing, and quickly grab my $30 “briefcase” that is sitting there, also my notebook, would really like to try to grab muh sweet coffee mug and water bottle too. don’t really care about muh lunch bag.

heh. there was a game writer, roosh I think it was, who said, go ahead and visualize the WORST CASE SCENARIO and prepare for THAT, and then realize that chances are, it won’t ACTUALLY be that bad. I am not gonna disparage Game because the lesson it teaches is BE MASCULINE, and this can only help Any and Every Man. BE MASCULINE. Masculine Men are cool under pressure, they walk and talk like  a BOSS, they handle situationts that would make weaker men cry.

I went for my powerwalk today and realized a better new prayer I could say is “Dear Lord, please HELP ME BE CONFIDENT with the customers” because everything flows out from that, because confidence contains everything else I need: a sense of calm, cool headed ness, thinking straight, masculine, charming, handling stuff, dealing with stress. And I say HELP ME be confident because this is a joint venture between me and the LORD, I am willing to put in some effort here, I was debating to say Help Me Be Confident, or MAKE ME confident. still debating. Cuz I am not real confident and really do need to be MADE confident, but I realize the best way to do this is to fake it till you make it, ACT confident and soon you will actually BE confident and it won’t be an act anymore, and the LORD likes to help those who help themselves, and I’m more than willing to help the Lord in his Helping me Become Confident, hence, Dear Lord, please Help Me Be Confident wiht the customers.

Finally: while you say that prayer over and over again, it helps to practice walking LIKE A BOSS. I shouldn’t even have to tell you how to do that: chin up, chest out, swaggering and swinging your arms LIKE A BOSS. getting your body into this mode will help you TALK more confidently. and it is easy to forget that when you are sitting at the desk. Walk like a boss, talk like a boss, dear LORD, please help me be CONFIDENT LIKE A BOSS.