LONG POST, 1660 WORDS
sun dec 8 222pm goodness gracious. things just get more and more intense.
ANYWAY wanted to follow up on Girl7. So I did not talk to her. I am not even sure that she saw me. I would talk to her if forced, but I didn’t really WANT to. I didn’t want to SEE her. I am still in love with her, over a year after being rejected by her, hahahaha. no fake. yep she could say let’s do this, and I totes would. and THAT is why I need no contact WHATSOEVER.
and then later that very night I had a DREAM about her. Crhist. I saw her and she naturally did not see me, was in her own little world of studying, of college and career success, making 80k a year. but she still looked great, years later, the age did not hurt her, she even looked a bit more “sexual” and “sexy”, when IRL she was about as antisexual as it gets. she was wearing something that showed she had a weird tatoo near her shoulder, high up on the back, and she is NOT the type to get a tatoo. I made a point of walking right in front of her and saying “Oh hey, we gotta stop running into each other!” and I was a little too angry. and butthurt. I think I said something like “is that your boyfriend over there” and she said “oh here’s the guy I’m dating”, and she gestured to a really little beta short guy, but he was younger and more successful than me, think she met him through her successful career. I was like holy sh1t. this sucks. I have never known her to date ANYBODY, when I knew her and fell in luv with her a few years ago, she was asexual or an unrealized lesbian, never dated ANYBODY.
I continued being a butthurt dbag saying RIDICULOUS things:
“oh. so how’s the SEX?”
“Great! just great, o my gosh, I had no idea sex could be so good,” she said with absolutely no sarcasm whatsoever, like an asexual wirgin who had just been converted to Overly Satisfied Heterosexuality, and who actually has too much respect for God to say “Oh My God” instead of Oh My GOSH. (But not to be abstaining from premarital sex apparently)
“ANd you were a VIRGIN BEFORE meeting him, right?”
“Yep, he’s my first!”
“And so the SEX IS GOOD?”
“SO Good, O My Gosh!! I was about to have an ORGASM within SECONDS of him getting inside me! I have Multiple Orgasms and we have SEX all the time!”
hence her tatoo, and somewhat more “sexy” look. Not that I find tattoos sexy! showing a little more skin, but since she never showed skin normally, she was still showing less skin than the Average Woman, did not look as Sl00ty as the Avg Woman.
Meanwhile I was still working my 9$ an hour underjob and she had a masters degree and was making $40 an hour and had a bunch of people under her, was having Great God‘s Love Sex with her First Man, and I was still hung up on her a year later.
Then I woke up from the dream and was pretty pissed. God damn that SUCKED. Sh1t, last time I saw her (summer) I didn’t have a DREAM about her the SAME NIGHT! and this time I did, and it was a horrible dream, it sucked so bad. So not only the previous day was ruined by seeing her, then the NEXT day was ruined by dreaming about her.
Good news and lesson learned was: it’s always better the next day. It will be much better tomorrow, I will no longer feel as in luv with her. As long as I don’t have another dream about her tonight PLEASE GOD!
so yeah. it sucks to think I haven’t gotten over her AT ALL in ONE YEAR of 99% No Contact. But that’s just Not True! Cognitive Distortion! I HAVE gotten over her at least 51% in One Year of 99% No Contact! The ONLY reason I FEEL I haven’t gotten over her is because I JUST SAW HER, JUST HAD the 1% contact, and THAT is harrowing, I am reacting to THAT specific event, NOT “STILL” being in love with her. once again, after sleeping on it a day or two, I will be back to normal, back to being at least 80% over her, and that’s good enough.
plus I have very good reason to believe that this WILL be THE last time I EVER randomly bump into her again. don’t feel like clarifying that publicly, just trust moi. so that’s good. because I really didn’t want to see her again this time, I NEVER want to see her again, unless she says “I luv u, let’s get married, take muh asexual virginity, i don’t care that you’re a loser and I’m a huge winner, I luv u unconditionally”.
so yeah. seeing her SUCKED BALLZ. NEVER AGAIN. And that DREAM might have even sucked MORE balls, due to the extremely “frank conversation” innit.
and also that very same day that I SAW her, I had a very emotional real life convo with a Frand of mine where I think it was a good thing that made us get Closer, but it was still very intense and energy draining, so I really need 2 or 3 days to recover from all this total. but that was a positive thing, seeing Girl7 was a Negative thing. and then next morning after the dream I didn’t feel much recovered from everything, and was cranky and mad and sad and then had an Outburst of Anger at Muh Family where I was screaming and throwing things around. Last time I did that was at LEAST 2 years ago, prob 3 or 4. and then after that I felt real bad and apologized for getting so mad and felt weak and sad and mad and upset and omega and hopeless and loser, a real come to jesus moment, and then I said a BUNCH of hail marys.well the good news is I am starting to feel better now heh heh.
LESSON LEARNED: be open and honest with your frandz if you’re fortunate enough to have any, just let it all hang out, well, don’t DUMP on them all the time like negative nancy, but don’t be afraid to let them know the Real You, because Real Frands should be able to accept them, if they can’t f00k them. however you shouldn’t be dumping on them and whining all the time like a little emo beotch.
when i go to church on sunday i usually don’t get Communion because I’m in a Constant State of Mortal Sin due to Jerking Off like once every 2 or 3 days, and spilling your sperm like that is a Mortal Sin in the Cahtolic Church. ANd I am always breaking 7 deadly sins: lust and also real big on hate and anger and jealousy and laziness (sloth) and all that. But this time I felt I really needed some extra help from the lord and that I really wanted to go up to communion, so I did. If it feels good, do it hahaha. usually I escape right after putting my donation in, then I sit in the car and wait until people come out, then drive home. but today I did communion, stayed for the whole mass, and that went well, it was an improvement.
but of course I wasn’t SUPPOSED to go to communion, jesus doesn’t WANT a horrible sinner like me to do that.
And even apart from the Smug Atheist Fedora Faggots, other stuff I read says Religion makes people Spiritually Suicidal by convincing them they are all horrible sinners, so just become a Good Slave and pray for The Afterlife and be miserable during your Life on Earth.
Which IS kinda a valid criticism.
Although I can understand Buddy Christ not being so happy about me treating Women like Disposable Receptacles and my Rotating Revolving Door Harem of 18 year old girls.
But if I were In True, Mad, God’s Luv (™) with a grill, like I was/am with girl7, no amount of religion or God’s Will would keep me from having Loving S with her.
Heh. of course GOD doesn’t STOP me from jerking off to pr0n or hating normalfag successfuls. God doesn’t MAKE you do anything. Free Will, beotches. You have to choose it for yourself, choose to submit lovingly to God’s Will. And I do agree 80% with God’s Will, I just like to Jerk Off Sometimes, or I get hateful and angry sometimes (often), but at the end of the day I feel I am an 80% good guy, and the LORD might have to be ok with that.
(As Someone who Studies Race, there is a whole other arg
ument here against The Christian Religion, but I won’t discuss that here. Other than to say this undermines muh faith more than Smug Fedora Atheist Philosophical Burden of Proof Collegefag arguments.)
tues dec 10 820 am
yep bounced back breddy much 5/5 100% from seeing G7 3 days ago. Way moar than mere 51% over her. Sure if you plop her f4t 455 right in front of me muh hjartan breaks in two, old wound torn open, but when you don’t do that, then I am bretty much ok, over it. don’t think its denial or ignoring, as much as the positive effects of no contact which some people, esp muh sjalv, is the preferred method. now some things are always right and some things are always wrong, but other things can be right or wrong depending on the context and person, and while NC might not work for some, like gurls who want to be frandz with every guy who was in luv with her, for me NC is a GIFT FROM GOD.
- Dreamz About Grillz, Satisficing, God Is Way More Important Than Grillz (upfrommorallylazyloserness.wordpress.com)