sat aug 10

oy vey. had a day off, could not get out of f00king bed. took a brisk powerwalk but that’s about it. I chalk it up to seeing Girl7 3 days ago. Huh. I thought it was supposed to get better! Also chalk it up to bumping dosage up to 20 mg. I am now officially back on that train. Taking a risk. hope and a prayer. Was watching some youtube vidya where

the girl was on meds since she was like 10 years old. sounds f00ked up you say, well she will prob get a good job when she gets out of college, and that’s all that matters, hahaha. and her father is also pumped full of meds and he is a successful psychiatrist nonvirgin, hahaha. anyway my POINT was, when one of them first started meds or switched meds, they were real tired and slept for like 4 days straight, and then everything was miraculous after that. so maybe that’s what i’m in right now, heh.

but yeah i am blowing my work off like crazy, just to lay in bed. cuz I “can’t think”, don’t want to think, don’t want to concentrate, just want to escape everything and be asleep all the time. anyway I have no doubt, alot of that is from seeing that girl, AND the winner/loser concepts tied in. Huge Loser (me) being In Love with a Huge Winner (her.)

next day sunday

slightly better. decided to take the med in the morning after getting out of bed, rather than at night right before going to bed. had done that latter before because I thought they made me too sleepy and tired and lazy and lethargic, hahaha.

so this time i decided to switch it up and take it first thing in the morning and say f00k it, let me be tired. the main goal now is to get through the day and not be angry and distracted, so that i can actually get stuff done. do stuff. do tasks. read a book. do homework. do  cover letters. not blow stuff off.

if you hate school as much as I do, which is quite a lot, you should probably take at LEAST two semesters off. It will probably take you at least one full semester just to force yourself to go to a counselor. and yes you should see a counselor. see them several times before you start school again. tell them how much you hate skool, and that you have horrible “depression” (they should know about that, they should have a masters degree), but that you know you have to do this somehow, but you are gonna need a lot of help.

* listen to Cuban Tango type music. Carribean, Miami Beach, Cuban type stuff.

tell them you have “treatment resistant depression.” because maybe you do. maybe i do. well, in order to determine that, then you have to get as much treatment as possible.

* oh yeah. STIGMA. you could say that’s the biggest thing here. STIGMA. “STIGMA”. That I only use the term “morally lazy losers” because I’ve been fooled by the stigma; that because of stigma I can’t just simply say “Depression” without the scare quotes, or calling it something else, or doubting that it even exists, or “blaming the victims” and calling them Morally Lazy Losers who brought this all upon themselves.

Well, that’s actually probably accurate, I have been coerced by the Stigma; that’s how powerful and insidious the Stigma is. Ok, fine. So then just don’t tell people you don’t trust.  I guess. So I should STOP calling people “morally lazy losers”, even if I’m just joking, because it just feeds into The Stigma. Fine.

It’s just that you FEEL lazy, and to your malefactors/detractors/enemies, you LOOK lazy too. So it’s real easy for them to call you lazy, and you kinda BELIEVE it too!

if you have to watch TV, which is not really a good habit, then at least turn the sound off during the commercials. this really helps.

so maybe the Good Thing that comes out of Me seeing Girl7 again is that I made up my mind to: start taking Meds again; take a extended break from Skool. I guess these things could be construed as bad. But they can also be construed as good.  because skool will still be there when I want to go back. Come on. Even the Overachieving Asian kids where an A- = an F don’t hate skool as much as I do!

Also saw a beautiful girl in Church who could possibly knock G7 from the pedestal. the bad news is that this girl could not be any older than 18, heh. Kinda hard for men of my age to Court 18 year old girls, but I guess it’s not impossible.

anyway enough about me. just cautiously optimistic about these meds, not that I have any reason to be, because I guess I am that desperate. probably never should have gotten off them in the first place. can’t remember when I started doing that. Think it was around December 2012.

so what have I learned between now and then. I had already been “dumped/rejected” by Girl7 well before that. the main difference was that I was taking some Math Classes that I really hated, which “burned me out” on skool.  Heh. maybe the main thing I learned was that Quitting Meds was not really Reaping Any Benefits.

tues 8 13 2013

Heh, Even if there is a “Placebo Effect” to the meds, that is better than no effect at all. Maybe.

But yeah. it is ROUGH being in TRUE LOVE with somebody and not having that work out. That is A BRIDGE TOO FAR. Because True Love is a POWERFUL, Earth-Shattering, Life-changing thing. It can bring you up from the depths of despair to the highest hieghts of happiness, no foolin. And then right back down again. And don’t let anyone, ESPECIALLY the Woman, tell you it’s NOT Really True Love. Because it IS.

I couldn’t even IMAGINE having to see this girl on a regular basis! And then I realized: THAT’S WHAT THE FRIENDZONE IS. And that’s exactly why The Friendzone is like CANCER.

The good news: you have the power, at all times, to officially END the Friendzone right here and now. So Go Do It. Pull The Plug. You can never really get TRAPPED in the Friendzone. You simply get out of it by saying, “Hey babe, I don’t want to be friends right now. Let’s take a little break from seeing each other.” And then never see or talk to her again.

And then just wait a long time, a long long long time. Maybe take some Meds. Don’t expect to feel that way for another woman for a long, long time. And really…what did feeling that way (true love) for the last woman GET you anyway? Pain & Suffering.

* Spongebob Squarepants is an EXCELLENT show for lifting your mood. Thankfully it is frequently on on the “Nick” station. I am watching it RIGHT NOW. I prescribe you to watch One Hour of SPONGEBOB per day. You need to emulate the ridiculous, silly, childish humor. You need to stop being so much like Squidward, and more like Spongebob!

I really like that going to WORK at a Deadend JOB is a MAJOR part of the show, one doesn’t expect this from a kids show. You will certainly be able to relate with Squidward: he is grumpy and crabby and angry and irritated and irritable and easily annoyed and a huge b1tch and his dreams are dead and his soul is crushed and he is probably a kissless virgin too.

Heh. But I argue if Squidward were really “depressed,” it would INTERFERE with his WORK and with his LIFE: he would call in SICK to work more, possibly get FIRED. (“Mental Health Days”, hahaha) He would not have his neighbor Spongebob knocking on his door every day, because his Bad Attitude would drive most Normal People away. Also notice how Spongebob is “probably” the HAPPIEST person/sponge in the world. Be Like Spongebob. At All Times.  Also, Squidward would not have Outside Hobbies, like playing his Clarinet. He would just go Straight To Bed after Getting Off Work, and not get up until he has to go back to Work again. Also he could not afford to live in that nice house, he would either be a basement dweller living with his parents, or he would live in a violent slum.

But despite not being realistic, the show is classic.

* use a browser plugin or software or SOMETHING to keep you from going to WordPress or whatever your Top Time Wasting Sites Are. I GOTTA get SOME work done.