thurs 8 29 2013 732pm

addicted to writing about crap. narcissistic, whiny bullcrap. figuring nothing out. hand=wringing navel gazing. just a nervous habit. well it’s slightly better than that. but still very formulaic. ideally i would be TALKING this out as an audio file. I write like I talk. SOunds a lot better when you talk it. But I do not talk because that would REALLY identify me.

I am A Little Racist, but like my Ridiculous Sense of Entitlement to 18YOQTs, I don’t Feel Ashamed about that. So I’m a Little Racist. Big Deal. Everybody’s a little racist. Yet sometimes, depending what you read (mainstream media hehehehe) or who you talk to (middle class whites, middle class masters degree jobs, hehehehe) then being a racist is HORRIFYING and the WORST thing you can possibly be, and it means you’re either IGNORANT or HATEFUL.

Then I read something suggesting a lot of “smart people” (scientists, engineers, MDs, lawyers; obviously not Univ Professors hahahaha) are pretty racist, although they obviously don’t come out and SAY so, because it’s a career-killer, and they obviously don’t want to lose their good jobs.

But yeah I am obsessed with Race, thinking about Race all the time. Who’s the most Racist Race. How does Race X treat Race Y. What would an interracial relationship between race w and race v look like, with the families. what if you raised a child from race z in race a conditions. why do so many of race b REALLY act like that? how do you explain these patterns of behavior??

that kind of thing.

However I had concluded that you have to be in a real position of power to really make Racist Decisions. Like lets transfer this race from that area to this area. I am way too low on the totem pole to do that. It would be impossible for me to DO anything Racist, even if I WANTED to. And I don’t really. THe most racist I get is that I prefer the company of my own race over others, that I prefer not to be forced to interact with obnoxious members of other races. Is that too much to ask?

“But what about obnoxious members of your own race??” state the anti-racists.  (BTW: What race are most anti-racists?)

Sure, I don’t like them either. But I feeeeeel closer to them than obnoxious non-co-ethnics.

I was on a HUGE racial kick not too long ago, and found that it can create some real stress in your personal life, if your real life friends know you’re A Racialist Writer. So I kind backed away form publicly writing about Race.

Also, it sucks when you’re a LOSER and you write about Race, especially if you’re a White Loser, because then you get painted as That Angry Loser White Guy that wants to blame Affirmative Action for his OWN Shortcomings. You KNOW that is a real risk.

It would be a lot more convincing for me to be a huge winner, a huge successful engineer making 300k a year, and THEN coming out as a Racist, and saying, hey, I’m smart, I’m a winner, and I’m here to give you some straight talk about Racism. It’s not as bad as you think! You have been lied to! To be saying that from a Happy, Healthy, Secure position of Winning.

I’m not even 100% SURE I AM a racist. Maybe I’m just TRYING TOO HARD to BE a racist. A Racist TRYHARD. Well, I know if it came to light that I WAS a racist, I would be bretty ok with it, and so should you!!

I’m just coming at it from a Practical Perspective. Blacks and whites behave differently. whites and arabs behave differently. getting along in the here and now is probably more important than WHY they’re different. (“But YES it DOES matter WHY, because WHITES oppressed BLACKS and that’s why blacks are so poor right now! As a member of the Oppressing Group, you feel oppressed when people call you out for your oppression!”) Although it’s true that Black, White, and Arab Cultures ARE very different, so it makes perfect sense that Children raised in those cultures turn out to be very different adults.

And that’s really about it. nothing too shocking there. and if that’s too racist for you, go eat your daddy’s D, Whitey!

Heh. It’s usually Middle Class Whites that get all OFFENDED by RACISM. Makes me glad I live in a more Working-Class Hood. (Albeit Upper. As you may have guessed, my Specialty Class is Upper Working and Lower Middle.)

Oh yeah, CLASS is hugely important too.

But yeah I am about done with all this for now. I am much more concerned with Banging 100 18YOQTs! And making $15 an hour!

“You think you’re ENTITLED to a $15 an hour job just because Baby Boomers were? Adapt to conditions! Prove that you’re WORTHY of a $15 an hour job first, by Demonstrating a Needed Skill, and THEN you might be able EARN that money!”

Yeah yeah ok fine I will go back to COLLEGE, hehhehehe, f00king faggot.

anyway. reading blogs of people arguing about race is boring and makes me want to bang 18YOQTs. maybe then I could think more clearly about race, or about how to get a $15 an hour job.

Looked at some pornography recently. it was OK, but again, it was only 1% as good as The Real Thing with An 18YOQT.  Now, I have had S with a Below-Bare-Minimum NUMBER of 18YOQTs, and each one of those, a Below-Bare-Minimum number of TIMES, but I can verify that it was over 90 times better than Porno. It was mind-blowing, game-changing, life-changing. NEVER FORGET.  It never leaves you. You literally could never forget even if you tried, god almgithy, even if you wanted to. And after a while you wish you COULD!!!!

Heh. I should go live and work on an Organic Farm. although farming aint easy, and it’s not simple, the best farmers get college degrees in farming. but of course hunting and gathering is better for you than farming. I dunno. I dont give a f00k. I don’t know why I’m still writing! I should be watching a movie, because my brain has Totes Shut Down even from its normal state of Never Being At Peak Performance! If it ever WERE at Peak Performance, then LOOK OUT WORLD!

Friday  8 30, 137pm

Go to Spotify, go to your huge list of 9000 Starred Songs (confirmed Good Listenable Songs), and then start at the top and go down and do “Add to QUEUE” like you were at a Real Life Jukebox. And line up like 20 songs that you actually want to listen to, and will listen to when the come on. Boom. INstant Mix Tape of that Snapshot in Time Of Your Life.  Give the Mix Tape to Grills to show how Deep and Awesome you are, and add another 18YOQT notch to the bedpost. But not sadistically. Not trying to hurt anyone. Hey, you can’t help how Cool you are, and certainly ok get some of your Physical Wants Satisfied.

Race. Who Cares. I’m not allowed to talk about Race anyway because I’m part of the Oppressing Race. Anyway, there are more important things in life, like

18YOQTs and $15 an hour jobs.

Notice the Two Big Things yet??


there’s the runner up for 3rd place, hahahaha.

I feel ya, buddy. Sometimes ya gotta get a LOT of 18YOQTs before you ooze that natural masculine alpha charisma that makes you Interview Well. So get out there and Get Banging!!

But one problem with that is The LORD does not smile upon you having No Commitment Sex with tonnes o grillz. OR DOES HE?

I guess there is some Christian Common Sense that you should not separate sex and love, and INDEED there is some great logic behind that, indeed I still strongly agree with that.

My position is: when A Man has had his True Love rejected too many times, AND he’s getting Old, AND he’s super Horny, then SOMETIMES this MAN has the right to separate sex and love for a while, if he wants.

Notice there’s a lot of ANDs in that Logical Construction:

If (Man AND (&&) Old && TrueLoveRejected > 7 && HornLevel > 7 && YearsWithoutEroticSatisfaction > CONST_MANY_YEARS) Then

let SexLove = SexLove / Love;

let Sex = SexLove;

end if;

note: THAT kind of code will not get you a SEVEN dollar an hour job! Because you got too many hardworking H1-Bs from INDIA who will do WAY BETTER than that for FIVE dollars a DAY!!!

I am not racist against Indians, in fact, Indians are one of my Favorite Nonwhite Races. Heh. Note: there is a White Racist argument that Indians are closely related to Whites. See: Aryans. Something about Dravidians.

All right MEN, and REMEMBER I don’t CARE what COLOR you are. If anything, this blog is more excluding of WOMEN than it is of whatever RACE. Brown and Black and Yellow and Red and Green and Purple and Pink MEN can be Kissless 30 Old Virgin NEET Neckbeard Wizard Virgin Losers too!

Not that I “HATE” Women either. I’m just going through a phase where I MUCH prefer the company of MEN to the company of Women, unless said Women are…..




(Bet ya did not see that coming.)

Your Homework for the day:

Hang out with MEN, Get out there and Get Banging, get some sun, some BRIGHT light, 1000 Lumens or something. Buy a LIGHT BOX for the WINTER, if someone accuses you of Being A Racist, simply say, “YES I AM”, and just SEE WHAT HAPPENS after that.

Do that QUEUE business with your Spotify or Music List.

Write an EMAIL to an OLD FRIEND you haven’t talked to in months or years.



Go to a Petting Zoo and Hang Out With Cute Animals and Pet them.

Buy some GOLD’N’GUNS.

Move to NORTH DAKOTA and START ANEW. Since housing is so Expensive there, simply buy the biggest cheapest VAN you can, and then LIVE IN THE VAN. Google Living In A Van. Because seriously. Even though you WILL find a nice Entry Level Full Time Job in North Dakota, AND it’s likely to may closer to $15 an hour than $7 an hour, the tradeoff is that you will pay $4k a month for a tiny one room apartment. more than in LONDON ENGLAND. So just LIVE IN A VAN.





monday 8 26

WOW SUPER grumpy this monday morning. ending it all sounds like a REAL good idea. worst monday monring in recent memory. and no reason for it! other than the usual excuse of “being a loser.” wah wah crimea river.


went to “bed” at 7pm.

still wanted another hour of sleep when woke up. super duper bad mood tuesday morning, but shook that off quicker than on monday. now 12pm and has been super busy past couple of hours. super busy. god almighty. but maybe i’m happier cuz it is my 8 hour day.

i see enough beautiful 18 year olds every day to know for a FACT that an Unlimited Supply and Variety of 18 year old Tail would DEFINITELY come close to Approximating True Love.

I would be very happy with one or the other. would not ask for both. wouldn’t need it. just one or the other. Actually, the neverending supply of Teen Tail might be BETTER. Its only downside is that it flirts with Immoral, Decadent filth; pornography. Flirts with, but does not have to be. Note that these girls don’t WANT commitment anyway. Good, cuz neither do I hahahaha.

wed 751 am

so. my “new” favorite thing is to lay face down on bed and LISTEN to tv because too much energy to prop head up on pillow and WATCH it, better transition to sleeptime. did that at 6:30 pm spongebob, all lights out at 7 pm, got some fairly decent sleep, an erotic dream that was kinda fun. just a random girl. a big4ss white trash slut. nasty but tolerable. better than a known entity.

major lesson: do Lights Out at Seven Pm For Best Results.

still took powerwalk, that was good.

REALLY gotta buy new clothes soon.

saw an 18 year old tiny blond girl wearing the tightest pants possible. she was TINY and YOUNG, very young looking, and usually don’t go for girls so small, but her youngness sealed the deal, it was almost like A Whole New Gender, hehehehe.

Does it REALLY need to be SO competitive to get into the Physical Therapy or Occupational Therapy Program? Yeah, it’s a better field than Sociology, but I don’t think it’s even in Top 10 of Job Openings, or something else to merit rejecting a SOLID 80% of Applicants. THAT’s how Competitive it is. 80% of people who WANT to get in DON’T. Why do they WANT to get in? I don’t see a HUGE GLUT of PT jobs to justify such a ridiculous demand.

Heh. So I’m wondering how a person decides on Physical Therapy for an Education and Career choice. You can’t just WALTZ into the job, AND you can’t just WALTZ into the EDUCATION, and believe me, you can get MASTERS and DOCTORATE in PT. Sh1t to get an entry level job you need a Bachelors degree.

Unless my local Nonprestigious College happens to have a Very Prestigious PT program, I dunno.

But this points to my larger point, that 30 years ago, you didn’t have to TRY to find a Entry Level Full Time Job, you just needed a PULSE. Now you can spend your whole LIFE going to COLLEGE and switching majors and getting useless degrees and NEVER get an Entry Level Full Time Job, because your CV wasn’t remarkable enough, your GPA not high enough, not enough extracurriculars, too many GAPS, too old, you don’t interview well; forget just having a pulse and showing up to work every day on time!

But then there’s people who Say that finding a Full Time job in North Dakota is EASY because ND has the lowest unemployment and the boomingest economy. I certainly think abotu it every day!!!

So i guess you’re “supposed” to spend your teens and early twenties wanting to Bang everything that moves, then in your later twenties, you’re supposed to develop more Lasting, Mature Relships, with an Eye to someone you want to Spend Your Life With. Heh. I had it ass backwards. When I was young, I wanted a Monogamous Loving Waifu. Fell In True Waifu Luv 7 times. Now I am old, and just want to B 18 year olds! NOT Sadistically, NOT hurting or hating anyone, But Sort of Decadently. I want to bang at least 100 18 year old girls in my life. If you get tired of one, move on to the next. Simple, easy, effective, perfect. Fundamental Ontology. Priorities in Life.

thurs 8 29 13 9:39am

did my “long day” yesterday. When I took Hard Class, I would have at least 2 “Long Days” per week. They are good for Feeling Productive, but much moreso if you are actually doing Paid Work, compared to Free Work or Paying For Skool.

Had another semi erotic dream. In this one I was making out with a Very Cute Young girl. You know the girl is very CUTE and young, if you actually enjoy making out with her before plowing her, hahahaha.

these the Attitudes that Normally, naturally Form when you never manage to pull from QTs, and then you say, well I don’t wanna bang non-QTs, so I’m gonna be a kissless virgin wizard all throughout my 20s!!!

Heh, you’d think I’d be more willing to Lower My Standards, especially considering I’m old, fat, bald, loser, underemployed, costanza. When I was actually YOUNG, I was a lot more Physically Attractive and could actually Pull QTs, and I wasted that by not pulling a LOT of QT action, but Far Less Than A Bare Minimum, which is still Far More than Wizards Pull, so, I’m grateful for that, hahahahaha.

But yeah you see some 18 year old student with nice skin and a tight bum and bright eyes and perky bazooms and you think, yep you can sit on my face, you can sit on my face, yep you too, I wouldn’t mind that, lemme clear off a place so you can sit on my face, etc etc, 90000000 times a day. THAT’s pretty overwhelming, and why Men and Prime Of Youth Women should be kept separated, because it’s very distracting and overwhelming!

From ages 18 to 25, Women should be Locked Away in Women-World, and not let out until they’re safely MARRIED.

Heh. Funny how “you” want 18 year old QT Younggirls to Sit on “Your” Face, but not really so much Thirty Year Old Women or Older!!! Then you think, UM NO. EW. GROSS. But 18 year olds? ALL DAY. SIT ON MY FACE ALL DAY. Now THAT’s True Heterosexual Attraction!!!

It’s analogous to the making out. The older the get, the less you want to make out with OR have them sit on your face.

Disclaimer: While it is natural and normal for Most Men to have a Preference for Younger Women in GENERAL, I have taken that to a whole new extreme. Exaggerrated, inflamed, inflammatory disease. Upped the contrast level. To an arguably Pathological, Detrimental level. So how do I train my Animal Brain to Tone it Down, to sand off the sharp edges? Dunno. Would probably be like trying to “cure” the gays with electric shocks. It’s as hard-wired as it gets. Just an extreme variation of natural behaviour.

Can you Curb the Anxiety of Constant Horniness by Beating Off To Porn? Probably a LITTLE bit. Like a 1% Purity of the Drug, when you’d like 100%. And By God, I’ve been lucky enough to experience something like 90%, back in the day. But Not Enough. But with stuff that powerful, can there ever BE enough???

Or can you say, “YEAH, I DID OK. Not Perfect, but OK. I’m not Hung Up over it or anything. I’m No Superman anyway. I’m Happy with what I Can Get.” Which would be the Mature Response.

Or you can be a big immature Adult Baby and say wah wah, I want 18 year old girls, nothing else. I want I want I want, gimme gimme gimme!

Really weird. The blend of Entitlement, but not being Confidence And Powerful enough to back up that entitlement.

So yeah. School’s In For The Year, and I saw more cute 18 year old girls I wanted to sit on my face, in the span of one hour, than I have in the past 3 months, then I think of How LoOoOoOoOng it’s been. MANY years. And even back then, it was just a small taste. Just to Whet the Appetite. The logical, sensible thing to do would be: go to a hooker, go hoggin, TAKE what you can GET, learn GAME and actually USE it to pull better quality.

So yeah anyway. When I come up with my “Rules” of Attraction, like does the girl make you go HNNNGG, or 18 or 22 or you’re done, or would you enjoy making out with her, would you enjoy Cunnilinguus, would you lick the sweat out of their 4ss on a hot day, because they are 18 years old etc, realize this is the product of a Diseased Mind, hahahaha. A Diseased Mind, AND Perpetually Horny, AND on a Many-Year Drought, AND sees 900000000 beautiful 18 yo QTs EVERY DAY. A Perfect Storm of Erotic Stress. This Biases, Prejudices my view, quite understandably!

Of COURSE there are MUCH more important things in life, like FAMILY and WORK and MORALITY and DISCIPLINE and AMBITION. They just don’t “FEEL” (hate the word feel!) as important when you are RARING TO GO!!!

How “Average” is the “Average Frustrated Chump,” or, in today’s parlance, Beta? Lesser Beta? Omega? A Self-Selected bunch of Woman-Haters who read and comment Woman-Hating GAME and Pick Up Artist blogs??? r9k neckbeard virgins who watch tons of p0rn? people who generally use the internet too much and don’t interact with Real People enough????

But the 18 YO QTs overstimulating me are definitely REAL!!

MOVIE REVIEW: yeah this is more of a joke, I will not do Serious Reviews of “Really Obscure” Art Movies any more, as that would Identify me. So I’ve been meaning to see “Insidious” since it first came out at theatre. Always looking for a good hore movie. kept pushing it back in the queue. FINALLY the time was right, by god I wanted to watch it. It wasn’t super good, wasn’t GREAT, but it was pretty good. Dialogue sucked, but the acting was good, some good scares, kept my attention till the final Act, which was going well, until BAM the disc crashed suddenly, no warning, no skips. Bam. Stop. Unable to read disc. This is about 10 minutes from the end of the movie, and I was still liking it. Hadn’t jumped shark. I was angry and frustrated. But I have been on a streak of Not Bad Movies lately. Real uncanny. wonder when the shoe is gonna drop there.

HNNNG. 18 year old shorthaired girl with GREAT 4SS in jeans. HNNGG!!!!!

Hnng is the new schwing, remember that scene in waynes world where garth is at some party or something having an actually normal conversation with people, but stops to say SCHWING every time a “hot babe” walks by, which is every 2 seconds, because waynes world just went hollywood or something. That’s me going HNNGGG every 2 seconds when a 18YOQT walks by who I want to make out with then sit on my face. GOD DAM RIDICULOUS.

ok gotta wrap this up. a great line I heard today, the day the fast food workers were gonna do their Strike for $15 an hour. I saw a bunch of Adult Students Going Back To College because That Is Sure To Get Them All Jobs, College Will Make The Unemployable Employable, College Will Create Jobs Where None Existed Before, College Is Magic, Companies will hire Adult Students from Low-Prestige Colleges over Young Students from High-Prestige Colleges, more excuses, etc, hehehehe, ANYWAY, this one loudmouth (woman) was complaining about The Audacity: “$15 an hour! COME ON! That is for SKILLED PROFESSIONALS! My HUSBAND doesn’t even make $15 an hour!!! And my Macdonalds was cold today!”

So I thought the whole situation was hilarious and sad. My opinion is quite moderate: maybe $12 would be more reasonable; or giving people Full Time Hours; and I acknowledge that Fast Food Work is Harder and Much More Stressful than Average People realize.

But it’s her fault for marrying a loser who couldn’t provide, hahahahaha.  Maybe he needs to go to college for physical therapy and maybe, just maybe, if he gets a 3.99999 GPA and performs better than 80% of his class, then he might get a $15 an hour job.  But still everybody has to take out a 50k loan and gamble at the casino anyway.

but again I have a really distorted view of reality, so don’t listen to me. I used to think I lived in an “anti-intellectual” or anti-collegefag area, where only rich soft boy scout faggots go to COLLEGE, but this was inaccurate; its more like EVERYONE goes to college, because they can’t find jobs otherwise, or they’re laid off and are getting Taxpayer Dollars to go to college, so I really can’t blame them for doing so.

The Media says there are Technical Jobs waiting Unfilled because there’s no one to fill them, no one with the proper training and skill set; but I don’t really believe that, because everyone from age 18 to 80 is In College, College is the “New” High School, not like that is anything NEW!!! Except High School you don’t have to take out an Unforgivable Mortgage to go to!

Heh heh yeah I have a Fatally, Pathologically Bad Attitude.

My Homework To Do List For YOU (and me):


So here is a list of 94 Jobs from Outlook Occupational Handbook of BLS. This is really the best way I know to find out this information, there are prob better ways!  I want to know the SUPPLY OF JOBS. NUMBER of JOB OPENINGS. It Stands To Reason that it should be EASIEST to GET a job, where there are the most openings. They won’t turn away losers who didn’t go to harvard, or who have Average College Extracurriculars, in other words!

Teach Your Children to go for one of those 94 jobs. I’m thinking Long Term, a Slow But Steady Growth Rate is better than a 20% growth rate over 2010-2020, right???? cuz what if it takes a nosedive after that. or what if it doesn’t.


Physical Therapists and Software Developers, hahahahaha.

Anyhow. hehehe. I never said Physical Therapy was a BAD field!

Heh. I wish Banging 18YOQTs was a Job, and on there!

Wow. How do you FIX a Fundamentally, Deep-Seated BAD Attitude? Eradicating thoughts like the above from your mind??

Ok, I wish Banging 18YOQTs was not a job, and was not on there. That would be a stupid job. And 30 year olds are hotter than 18 year olds. hehehehe. more age appropriate.

“But that’s such a Stupid Euphemism, Age Appropriate!!”

Heh. It really kind of is.

No It Isn’t.

I will Be Age Appropriate And Go To College For A Physical Therapist or Software Developer Job.

your homework:

go to a Cheapo Department Store and buy some “Nice” clothes that you could ostensibly wear to a $15 an hour job.

Don’t Beat Yourself Up if you have the occasional Racist or Sexist Thought. Sometimes Stereotypes get invented for a reason.

Get NINE hours of sleep a night. Dr Ilardi says Paleo Man got about NINE hours of sleep a night. Dr Ilardi KNOWS!!!

If you have an Extreme Obsession with 18YOQTs, tell yourself, this is a gross exagerration of normal desires, Please God Release Me From This Living Hell.

Either throw out the objective on your resume, or change it drastically. rather than say, i want to work for this kind of company, say I want to apply my demonstrated skills of increasing revenue in Physical Therapy to This Company in the Physical Therapy field. I don’t f00king know, all that sh1t’s gay. Just make your objective SHORT and EXACT as f00k because you gotta beat out 100 other people for this one job, and some of them will be from harvard, hahahaha. f00king sh1tstains.



thurs 8 22 551pm

this is overkill, but I am possessed. was minimally productive today, 8 hours of work, THANK GOD. And not an excessive amount of customers at all. Got some down time, THANK GOD. If you have a BORING JOB, then get down on your knees and THANK GOD. People would go 100k in debt, get 10 masters degrees, work 10000 hours unpaid, just to have a BORING job. Boring Job Is Best Job.

So I got to read a bunch of stupid news articles, hahaha, and that is the basis for my post here.







heh. you can glean or “grok” the article titles and sources from the links. not really much to say, the bs “journalism” speaks for itself, and this is EXACTLY why I STOPPED reading “NEWS”.

Not that ALL of it is BS. The on forbes article said that the habits we develop in our 20s set the pattern for the rest of our lives. check out that slideshow, hahaha. those who spend their 20s underemployed, trying to Figure It All Out, Unambitious, well, they fall behind their peers, resumes get thin, unemployable, become losers, can’t get married or afford to have kids, wasted their most precious resource, get it done young or you’re done, “cubicle slaves” are happier because at least they have steady employment, etc.

Heh. well yeah I can see their point. I aspire to be one of those cubicle slaves one day. maybe in my 40s, hahahaha.

of course you should read the comments as well. always read the comments. not that the comments are not ultimately censored by the “news” agency, but still.

Heh so the True Facts about Wasting Your 20s Gave me Bad Feels for Wasting My 20s, thus I say, don’t read it, heh. But seriously. I gained NOTHING from reading that. LEARNED NOTHING. At least with EATING Junk Food or Doing Drugs, it FEELS good while you’re doing it. Reading those articles is JUST Masochism.

Or the Investment Banking Interns who work 100 hours a week just to Prove themselves, to compete for a High Paying Job. I say f00k it, I’d rather be a loser with a low-paying job who only works 40 hours a week at a boring, low-paying job. never attract a good wife, never start your own family, never stand on your own two feet, hahahaha.

But maybe the SMARTEST thing to do is to “mooch” off your parents and live with them til you’re 40.  Remember, this is only bad because The Mainstream Media says it is, hahaha. The Elite wants to put you in debt so they can enslave you! Living with your Baby Boomer Parents is a way for Millennials to Fight The Power!!! hehehehe.

Maybe the American Psychological Association can call it a Personality Disorder, that you are Codependent and Arrested in Development from Developing your Own Identity or something. Not Becoming An Adult. Shirking Adult Responsibilities. Easy for them to say, with their Well-Paying Jobs. Heh. I wanna see their monthly Budgets. Income versus Expenses. Let’s Get Real.

So what’s better: renting or buying a home.  throwing your money away, vs getting locked into a 30 year debt, but “building equity.”  Well obviously Mortgaging hasn’t worked out for sh1ttonnes of people. you’ve seen them, you might be one. bigger problem than Student Debt.  although defaulting on your home can be forgiven through declaring bankruptcy, so just do that, hahahaha.

solution: don’t go to college, don’t buy a house, live with your parents until you’re 40. heh heh. Or just don’t take out HUGE LOANS.

Something about The Future Value of Money. Or Total Cost Over Time of Renting vs Owning.

And then finding a Good Neighborhood with Good Skools for your Kidz (although Homeskooling them would OBVIOUSLY be IDEAL.) Heh. THIS is all the kind of stuff they should teach you in Skool, not “follow your dreams!!!”

So I see a LOT of cute 18 year old girls at the Local College. (Funny that someone who Hates College so much spends so much time there!) these girls are absolutely RIDICULOUS. I would NEVER let my daughter leave the house dressed like that. It just gets worse and worse every year. The pants get tighter, the shorts get shorter, and this becomes the “new normal.” You can’t tell the Sluts from the Nonsluts. Their shorts are SO SHORT you can see their Actual Bum poking out of the “leg” of the shorts.

Now, these are Barely Legal Prime Of Youth 18 year old girls. Of COURSE I get Erotically Stimulating looking at their insanely beautiful bodies. I think, I can’t even IMAGINE having S with a girl THAT Beautiful, then think about, well, there ARE guys who get to do that: younger guys, more alpha masculine guys. But I am Determined to one day again experience the Pleasure of a Beautiful Young Girl’s Beautiful Body. ALMOST as good as True Love, if you can’t manage to find True Love. Just Have S with Beautiful 18 Year Olds. Am I Wrong? Prove me wrong. You can’t prove it!

I make it a point never to say exactly how old I am, although you can sort of guess. I am DEFINITELY “Too old” to be Courting 18 year old girls, but I certainly don’t have any moral reservations against it, theoretically. I am just not confident or masculine enough to actually DO it.  But one day, I hope to be.

Made a Phone Call I had been stressing out about, went well, have 2 solid days off, so now I am in PARTY mode. In my Wasted 20s, I would have gone out and got Raging DRUNK, and or Smoked W33d. Heh. And that is why I am a loser now.

So now I am drinking Coffee, listening to music, and Blogging. Not doing Homework, not Jobsearching, not Making Phone Calls, not Working,  just a Lazy Layabout Moocher! Might watch a movie soon, in fact leaning toward it!

The real question, what do I do during Working Hours Tomorrow? Need a gun to the head to do anything. Ideally would go Clothes Shopping. Funny how I can put that off for months and months.

Ok. Enough about me. I am only this narcissistic because I know no other way. plus I find people Too Annoying to Be Around, would rather be Alone or with my Few Friends, although I am interested in hanging out with New 18 Year Old Girls, hahahaha. But that’s just because I’m a Man With Urges.

So what do I want you to do? Move back in with your Parents and start saving money and eliminating all your debts. give back the student loans, give back the mortgage, move back with your parents and save money. of course pay your share of the expenses there, but it will still certainly be cheaper than renting a place. if not, then just stay in the rented place.

Eh sorry about about the sh1te post.  next one will be better.


8 21 wednesday

8 21 wed 8am

trying to revamp my sched. my underjob has changed significantly both in scheduling and in the tone if you will: much busier, many more customers/idiots to serve, takes a few weeks to mentally get used to it. Of course, I’m not really any smarter than the idiots because I don’t have a better job. I have the kind of job where Good Girls who have Fathers, their Fathers tell the Girls not to date that loser because he obviously has no ambition in life, hehehehehe.

But best not to think about THAT, and do the work that I can/must do.

Today I am blocking out about 4 hours to work on Muh Project / Homework / Internship. I am even less productive on that at home than I was on my actual Skool Homework, excuse: because the Skool Homework had actual lectures and assignments and tests and due dates. I did not like it, o god how I hated it, but I still managed to do the work at home. (prob wouldn’t have HATED it so much if I had done it Out Of Home.)

But this is a little different: no grades, no iron clad due dates, a lot more open-ended.

5 Days after seeing Girl 7 for the 2nd and hopefully last ever in life time. Breddy much back to “normal”, IE I can get out of bed, go to underjob, and not obsess about her 40% and me being a Huge Loser 60%.

This does not mean I would WANT or could even HANDLE seeing her Every 5 Days!!!! f00K THAT sh1t!!!!

Continuing the powerwalks, the spongebob, the 20 mg in the morn, not drinking a TONNE of coffee, try to just do 1 (BIG) mug between 5-6am and that’s it.

yesterday had a nice actual proper bare minimum o’ life EIGHT hour shift as opposed to a 6,5, or god FORBID 4 huor jagoff shift. The 8 hour shift is great for muh self-esteem because I can feel like I’ve been a respectable person for the day, AND it is way easier than forcing myself to be SuperProductive for 4 hours after a 4 hour jagoff shift, for example, to “make up the difference.” I MUCH prefer Plain Solid Paid WORK for 8 hours straight, because I can actually DO it. It’s EASY compared to that alternative. a WALK IN THE PARK. A WALTZ IN THE PARK.

Check out the vidya by Prof Steve Ilardi of Kansas Univ. I enjoyed his book “The Depression Cure” and I enjoy his talks even moar because he is a hilarious, down-to-earth, engaging, friendly, charismatic guy. EXACTLY the type of guy I would want for my PhD Advisor. (I have this alternate life where I am a Depression PhD and my careeeeeer is doing Research, banging young college students (not my own!), and bringing some real Hard Talk and Common Sense to the topic. However I cannot get into a PhD prog let alone a GOOD one because I screwed up during Undergrad because of “Muh Derpession” AND I’m lazy as hell. Heh. like those EXCUSES?

Again he makes good points about Paleo Man: we would live in groups of 30 to 50, and our “Peer Group” would be like 3 to 5 people. And there was not so much Competition-related Stress among the peer group because every person knew exactly what they were The Best at. With only 5 guys in your Peer Group, everybody truly was the “Michael Jordan of Something.” There was not the Lifelong Jockeying for Rank as what occurs in the Modern World from ages 14 to death, trying to be The Best, compete against Millions for The Best Skools, The Best Jobs, The Best Women.

Our brains and bodies are not designed to cope well with the STRESS we face today, and The Modern Stress is a very different and debilitating kind than thousands of years ago.

Ideally I would like to see Ilardi study The Modern Working Poor, and/or people Enslaved by Debt, and or LAZY LOSERS. They really embody IMHO the Unnatural, Constant, Fight Or Flight Stress Overwhelmment of Struggling Every Day to Survive…..and not really succeeding.

And 30 year old Kissless Virgin Wizards too.

And Dr Steve, if you need an Upper Working Class Fulltime Entry Level Research Assistant, I’M YOUR MAN.  For $9 an hour, hahahahahahahaha. $15 an hour if you can, heheh. I can bring some Real World Skool of Hard Knox Experience that some Neverdepressed, Sexually Active, Successful, Overachieving Collegefag can’t even IMAGINE.

Stefan Molyneux, “Depressed in College? Here’s Why!”

kinda a bait and switch with the title, as it’s much more about The Uselessness of College, how College is Generational Genocide, but I like that topic too, hahahaha. Might get a little too political, but that’s Molyneux for ya hahaha. seems to be a breddy smart guy.

6 pm

forced myself to stick to the schedule. THAT Felt Good, however it was VERY frustrating not to be as Productive on my Project as I wanted to be (Technical Difficulties, Computer stuff always taking 10 times as long as you Schedule it to, lord this could well be a too-stressful career hehehe). Also the space I found was not as quiet as I wanted it to be, and also the Wireless Internet kept going out.  But I STILL accomplished more than I would have at home!

If you can’t accomplish anything at home, do it at the Local Coffeeshop.

Use EARPLUGS if it gets too loud. I brought Earplugs and should have used them when there was a bunch of loud obnoxious people talking like idiots right near me. Either stupid teens talking about getting drunk or lifting weights, or Student Slaves talking about how they have to take 6 chemistry classes and 6 calculus classes and they’re taking 20 credits right now and are at school from 7 am to 10 pm monday thru friday, and have to get at least a 3.8, or else they’ll Never Get A Job, hahahaha. Heh. They should check out Molyneux. It would take a LOT of 18 Year Old QT Action to get me to work THAT hard. f00k it, just give up and become a loser, hahahaha.

but seriously folks. I think about Simple Supply and Demand. WHO/WHAT/WHERE is hiring, WHERE are the JOBS. Know what I mean. it doesn’t matter if Electrical Engineering is A Really Useful Degree to get, if only 1 Electrical Engineer is Hired Per Year. Then it’s by definition a USELESS degree, because it doesn’t get you a job.  (Just for the sake of argument.)

OK I gotta get out of here. I just GOTTA post at least once every 4 days though.

Give All Your Student Loan Money back RIGHT NOW if you haven’t graduated college yet. Get out of that g0ddam trap now while you still can.

Also listen to and enjoy Prof Ilardi. One of the few decent Univ Profs out there.


friday 8 16

yep, the closest feels is YOUR WIFE DIED. Course you can’t use that as an excuse because nobody will believe it. So the next closest thing is Your Wife Divorced You. Well heck that’s probably WORSE because then they STEAL all your stuff, make you bankrupt, steal your CHILDREN, ruin your LIFE, send you to Debtor’s Prison, and you’ll prob have to K yourself.

OK, all it is is essential Getting DUMPED. This is a special kind of rejection that hurts more than the average rejection. because it’s a True Love Rejection. the True Love was Elevating you to Normalfag Happiness and Normalfag Productivity, and now it’s Dead and Gone, never to return.

There’s also always a Winner and A Loser. I GUESS there are SOME situations where BOTH people want out, so you can maybe have a Win Win. But how often is that? will estimate 25% of Breakups. Could be wrong. CERTAINLY not over 49%. Prob not over 40%. 30%? Getting warmer.

The Vast Majority of times, it’s a Win Lose, a Zero Sum game, a Winner and a Loser, a Dumper and a Dumpee, someone clearly Wants the other person More, Loves the other person more, one person wants OUT, the other person wants to stay IN.

A RECIPE for Crippling Depression if there ever was one!!

To be FAIR, I can’t imagine it’s FUN or pleasant being the Dumper Either. But it’s 9000000000000000000 X more fun than being the Dumpee!

When you’ve ONLY ever been (nonmutually) Dumped, that can do a number on your Self-Esteem! Legit!

And on your Productivity. Your performance in Skool, Work, Workaholism, and Internships declines, then you’re unemployable, then you’re undatable, and it’s a vicious circle.

12:40 pm good lord god almighty, god almighty, have mercy on me, god almighty, have mercy on me.

so ran into Girl7 AGAIN, exactly 9 days after the first run in. Believe me this wasn’t MY design. Again, the short-term reaction was, well, I didn’t do too bad, didn’t burst into tears, handled myself ok, not having a meltdown. But I’m worried what my medium term reaction will be. from 2 to say 8 days after. I was just starting to get back to normal too. And I got serious sh1t to get DONE over the next 2 to 8 days, and do NOT need to be distracted by this!!!!

Jesus Christ!!!!!!!

And it’s not really HER so much. It’s HER 40%, and her Successful Winning Life and Hard, STRONG Work Ethic Reaping the Appropriate Dividends which is 60% of the Sorrow.

Now you can’t cleave those in twain 100%, because that was part of her personality, her personality that I fell in LOVE with, etc.

But a person who works THAT hard and NEVER GETS DISCOURAGED and NEVER GIVES UP, I think it’s safe to say they never even had the thought enter their mind: “What’s the point of all this? Why am I doing this? Why don’t I just give up and blow my brains out?”

Again, what she’s doing IS hard, but Hard Tasks are a Lot EASIER for people with resilient, strong, neverdepressed constitutions like her.

Excuses, excuses, hahaha.

Yeah, and if I had gotten on a Phat Dose of SSRIs in my First Year of College, and also at that same time QUIT drinking, QUIT smoking weed, TOOK a BREAK from College to regroup, Went to a different college, changed my major, or took SEVERAL years off from College to work or join the AIR FORCE, read 20 books about how to be a Good College Student, then I could have been in her position too.

And YES it is better and easier and more effective to Address one’s “depression” earlier rather than later in life.

But at this point, that’s Time Machine Territory. Can’t CHANGE THE PAST.

But I CAN say, Jesus Christ, I hope she never Pops In again!!!!!!

Because if she said to me, I’VE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE, or, “I’m ready to go Out with You Romantically now!” I would respond YES, YES, ABSOLUTELY, NOTHING WOULD MAKE ME HAPPIER, MY WILDEST DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE, NORMALFAG CITY, HERE I COME.

Because I can’t even imagine being a person like her, with her healthy mind, her healthy habits, having a Great job, WANTING to go to Grad Skool, actually having Career Ambition, and working on it, AND succeeding at it. Just a Bridge Too Far. Can’t Relate, but Would Want, hehehe.

What’s it like to have a Great Job? What’s it like to Work Hard and Not Give Up? What’s it like to have Career Goals? What’s it like to Not Hate Careers and Skool? What’s it like to Not get so discouraged by everything? What’s it like to be Strong and Healthy and Happy? What’s it like to have something to offer a Mate, and to be Healthy Enough to enter into a Mature, Healthy, Happy, Adult Relationship?

All this would be easier to forget if she were just another Annoying, Decadent American Wh0re, poisoned by our decadent Trash Culture, like maybe 75% of Young American Women are. I’m not a fan of Women, have I mentioned?

Anyway. Time to Move on and GET. TO. WORK.

Long ago I read something in history class, something about workers rights and strikes and fighting for the 8 hour workday as opposed to the 24 hour workday, hehehe, and there was a slogan like “8 hours for work, 8 hours for sleep, 8 hours for what we will.” Which has stuck with me ever since.

For several reasons.
1. I am one of those 4ssholes who NEEDS at least NINE hours of sleep a night. That or I am “Hypersomnolent”.
2. At LEAST 3 or 4 hours of your “8 hours of Free Time” is directly related to Getting Ready for or Going to Work: getting up, getting ready, showering, pooping, eating, getting dressed, ironing/washing clothes, and god almighty COMMUTING.
3. So now you have 4 hours of actual free time, and if you don’t spend at LEAST half of that doing HOMEWORK, then you’re an Unambitious Loser.
4. And GOD FORBID you have KIDS or a FAMILY. Little Kids who need to be Parented, Old Parents who need Caretaking. Put fresh diapers on your parents, after you’ve done Work-Related stuff for 12 hours, before you need to do Skool related-stuff for 2 but preferably 4 hours. Working on your Masters of Human Resources from Strayer University.
5. And Normal Everyday Chores and Errands: going to the DOCTOR. Fixing your CAR. going SHOPPING for FOOD and good CLOTHES to wear to WORK.

Good Lord almighty, just THINKING about all this gets me discouraged!!! But to be a Winner, you HAVE to do all those things without getting discouraged!

sat 8 17

what up muh franz. it was one of the most beautiful days in weeks, and a day off, so what do you think I did, yep laid in bed till like 3 o clock. rather than work on my Project, rather than go to the store and get new CLOTHES.

But I eventually did do some Chores, and went for a brisk powerwalk in the nice sun.

Still possibly reacting to seeing Girl7 yesterday. thought of how True Love is different from Nontrue love. Her I MISS, Not having her in my life is painful. Her I would Gladly Commit To Monogamously because I like her more than Other Girls. And of course she is a huge winner and I am a huge loser, she is way out of my league, hahahaha.

continuing to take 20 mg a day in the morning. considering possibility that my body has been full of Tension, so my desire to Lay In Bed whenever I don’t have to Go To Underwork is attributable to the muscles of my body releasing Tonnes of Tension, rather than just being More Lazy Than Average, or More Crippling Depressed than Average, or Not being able to Deal with or Get Over Girl 7, etc.

“Prozac at 20”  semi roundtable discussion on prozac, prof jordan peterson once again mentions his experience of tension being released.

so there’s no REASON for HIM to be “depressed”, because he’s got a Great Top 1% Elite Job AND he got a Woman to Have His Children, he has no REASON, so of COURSE it makes sense for him to take tonnes of meds, because he must have been born with a DEFECT in his BRAIN! So Chut Up and Take Yer Medz!!!

OK I think I will.

TLDR: Give Medz a Chance, Go No Contact when True Love has Died, Tue Love Dying is Legitimately Rough and will take like a YEAR to get over, be thankful for not having Cancer, Eliminate Negative Influences, People, Places and Things from your life.


mon 8 12 13, 947am. well back on the morning schedule. get up at 5 am, get in at 7 am, this always takes some getting used to. took muh medz in the morn. tried to drink more water than coffee. bretty tired atm and looking forward to nap, hahaha. really slept quite poor last night, watching muh breaking bad, tossing and turning, worrying and thinking. YEP would have PREFERRED not to see that girl, or at least not heard all that news of her Raging Success in Life, Work, Skool, etc. That SUCKED. Bigtime.

Handled the actual event pretty well, but afterwards, god almighty, it has been worse than expected. much, much worse. will easily take a full week to bounce back, if not longer. i hope and pray I never have to see her again. absolutely harrowing. heh. like cancer coming back.

tuesday. little better, day by day. 5 am is tricky. ideally go to bed at 8 pm.

wednes. little better. way more than 1% better per day. Maybe 5%, hahaha. not bad. watch spongebob one hour per day.

use a firefox plugin called LEECHBLOCK to block/lockdown wordpress, twitter, cloud.feedly.com, 4chan. finally got me working on muh project. hit hard by learning curve on project. very frustrating, leads to procrastinating. try not to.

friendzone is like CANCER. When you have True Love, it REALLY IS TRUE LUV. Just Say NO to frienzone. AND, when the true luv is rejected/doesn’t work, you have to treat it as the PERSON DYING and have the associated expected PERIOD OF MOURNING. Someone has DIED, so you MOURN. They are GONE and can NEVER come back. Your Love has DIED and you must NEVER see them again. Otherwise you’re in the Soul Cancer of the Friendzone. You gotta expect a few Hard Months of MOURNING A DEATH, in other words. NOT easy. VERY hard to focus on your daily work.

* Mix Up your resume Maybe, if the current one’s not working. Have a Greatest Hits of Bullet Points, with the Most impressive at the top, then in descending order, even if it’s not chronological per se. Like if you most impressive achievement was 10 years ago and then you sh4t the bed and it was all downhill after college, hahahahahaha.

* If your shy-but-Nice Coworker came up to you and asked you to please think about writing a Letter of Reference for them, I bet you would be FLATTERED and would be VERY HAPPY to do it for them! And you’d say, well, I don’t do this all the time, so I’ll just write something short and sweet and FEEL FREE to edit the wording a little bit, but you’re GOD DAM RIGHT I would be THRILLED to write a letter for you!

Well that’s the attitude you need to assume of OTHERS writing the letter for YOU, that THEY would be GOD DAMN THRILLED to write YOU a letter.

You imagine people are going to treat you so harsh – but when have YOU ever treated someone ELSE that harsh? Hardly ever! How would YOU react if someone were asking YOU to do something for THEM? You’d be HAPPY to help! So start imagining other people as HAPPY to help YOU, because this is closer to the truth than them brutally shutting you down! (Unless it’s a Grill you’re in True Love with, hahahaha. But that’s different. Here we’re talking about Professional, Education, Career, Work, Job sort of stuff, NOT True Love.)

Homework: Imagine your Coworker, who has basically the same job as you, has jsut asked you to write a letter for them, because they’re trying to move up in the world to an Upper Working Class Entry Level Full Time $9 an hour job. Write the short and sweet letter. And when it’s done, finally realize that you’ve basically written that letter for yourself.

Then give that letter to someone YOU want to write a letter for you, and be like, see, I’ve already started it off for you. Write something like that about me in your own words. Then put it in your Permanent Folder.

* If you have to get up early and so you naturally, understandably drink a Large Coffee early in the morning, then WAIT AT LEAST TWO HOURS before starting your next coffee, or else you will get jittery and nervous and angry AND feel like you have to diarrhea your pants the whole time. Wait THREE hours. You already HAD a good dose of caffeine. The reason you’re still Tired is because you got up ungodly early for WORK and probably didn’t get enough SLEEP and you NEED a LOT of sleep normally. Drink WATER instead. And I hope you are still Chugging a Huge glass of water the INSTANT you wake up in the morning. That helps too.

* For some reason, and it doesn’t make much sense, Negative Things can be much more powerful than positive things. We can MAGNIFY the negative things, even though we have by all accounts a GREAT LIFE, but one little thing wrong can ruin our lives. I call this the Anti-Resilience Gene. You’d think that To Survive, we would be the opposite way, have negative stuff roll off like water off a duck’s back, and magnify the positive. What Evolutionary Adaptive Value, in other words, does Magnifying every little negative thing have?

I don’t know. It don’t make no sense. And each person is different. Some Normalfags and Neverdepresseds CAN have negative stuff roll off. But not you or me! So the Life Lesson here, is to go out of your way to avoid negative things, heh heh. Well, more specifically, avoid Negative Movies, Music, Entertainment, Media, News, and People. Block it all out and just watch Spongebob. Don’t read about people dying alone in gutters, unemployable virgin losers; just watch spongebob.

I’m talking about NEGATIVE INFLUENCES. If something starts becoming a negative influence, like watching the Horrible News, or a Woman Who Rejects You, then REMOVE THE NEGATIVE INFLUENCE from your life. People, Places, and Things, hahahaha.

So what if Necessary, Mandatory Responsibilities like SKOOL and WERK and “CAREER” become Negative Influences?

If it’s SKOOL, that’s easy. Take A Break From Skool, because it’s not really Mandatory like WERK.

At work, just put on your smiley face and make everyone like you by buying them Pizza and Snacks semiregularly and kissing 4ss and being Nice and Friendly to everyone. Being Nice and Friendly isn’t a BAD thing anyhow!


Grateful Dead, “Cold Rain and Snow”, 1972.

Been listening to a similar 1972 CR&S, ie, it opens right up with equal parts force and chillness. Jumps right into that head nodding beat, while being altogether slower and…chiller than earlier, faster versions of the song.  Enables you to start your day LIKE A BOSS. Vocal harmonies are laughably cringeworthy as is often the case, but THE DEAD always gets an A for effort in that department.  Great song to get you started, going to WORK sort of song.

So “Successful” people WORK for AT LEAST 40 hours a week, and that’s the BARE MINIMUM, but you can still be a LOSER if you work ONLY 40 hours a week and then go to the BAR or hang out with your BUDDIES like a LOSER. NO, after you work your mandatory 40 hours, you HAVE to SHOW “AMBITION” by spending all your free time on SKOOL or MOAR WERK to ADVANCE YOUR CAREER, or else your Wife or Gurlfran will nag you, cheat on you, leave you, get real nasty. Heh heh heh. So 40 hours a week isn’t enough, you have to be a WORKAHOLIC.

Of course I reject this whole attitude! But do I have a better one?

Yeah it’s called just trying to get through one day at a time and to do your own bare minimum, even if that is less than 12 hours of work per day.  Even if you can “barely manage” 8, and then you feel all guilty and lazy about that. WHATEVER. Not like you got a NAG NAGGING you at home. Or at least I hope you don’t.

Again, my big magic bullet for being more productive sometimes, and at LEAST LOOKING a lot more productive, is to do my Homework Outside of the Home, so then it looks like you’re not just sitting in bed watching TV all day, hahahaha. Do your Homework at the Library, College, Office, or Cafe. And you WILL be noticeably more productive too, I guarantee it.

Baby Steps!

For example, one of my Pet Peeves about Part-Time Underemployment (other than the OBVIOUS) is that they very often, if not always, schedule you for less-than-8-hour-shifts. Like a 4 or 5 hour shift. For me it is REAL challenging to Switch Horses In Midstream – to go from Work to doing the Mandatory Minimum 4 hours of something Else Productive after that time. Especially if that something else is Homework or Unpaid Work. 8 hours of Paid work is obviously the Ideal. The Endgame. The Destination Career, hahaha.

It’s brilliant on the part of The Employing Plutocrats, hahaha. You’ll notice more and more jobs are Part Time now. Because I guess it costs less to have 2 part time people than 1 full time person, unless you have an Elite Job like Doctor, Lawyer, or STEMgineer, or Middle Middle Class Masters Degree Job. (and THAT your Wife can’t nag you too much about!)

So uh I guess my solution there is, do the best you can, don’t kill yourself, try to have a couple days a week where you go to the Cafe for 2 or 3 hours and Be Productive immediately before or after underwork, and don’t compare yourself to The Successful People Your Age. Goddam Normalfag Neverdepressed Successfuls, hahahaha.

And be GRATEFUL you don’t have a NAG Wife! That Grill you were in True Love with and wanted to Marry? She would been a NAG Wife, NAGGING you that you’re not AMBITIOUS or SUCCESSFUL enough, and you don’t need that. NOBODY needs that.

how ya like all those TAGS today, hahaha.

A “Great” Negative thought I had recently was: “It’s easier to BEAT CANCER than It is to Become Successful In Life, to become a Winner.”

“How true is that? And so what if it’s true?”

“This comparison is not doing anyone any favors. Talk about Apples and Oranges. That ridiculous comparison is DESIGNED to put Yourself in a Bad Mood!”

So just be grateful for your Family, Thank God You have a Good Family, thank god you DON’T have cancer, thank god you’re not blind or deaf or deformed. And if you DO have a Bad Family or are blind or deformed……then you have my sympathy because you have one HELL of an uphill battle. DEFINITELY find the cheapest shrink you can, go regularly, and take the cheapest Resilience Meds you can. Unless you are Successful enough to have a good enough job to pay for more than the cheapest shrink and the cheapest meds.



sat aug 10

oy vey. had a day off, could not get out of f00king bed. took a brisk powerwalk but that’s about it. I chalk it up to seeing Girl7 3 days ago. Huh. I thought it was supposed to get better! Also chalk it up to bumping dosage up to 20 mg. I am now officially back on that train. Taking a risk. hope and a prayer. Was watching some youtube vidya where

the girl was on meds since she was like 10 years old. sounds f00ked up you say, well she will prob get a good job when she gets out of college, and that’s all that matters, hahaha. and her father is also pumped full of meds and he is a successful psychiatrist nonvirgin, hahaha. anyway my POINT was, when one of them first started meds or switched meds, they were real tired and slept for like 4 days straight, and then everything was miraculous after that. so maybe that’s what i’m in right now, heh.

but yeah i am blowing my work off like crazy, just to lay in bed. cuz I “can’t think”, don’t want to think, don’t want to concentrate, just want to escape everything and be asleep all the time. anyway I have no doubt, alot of that is from seeing that girl, AND the winner/loser concepts tied in. Huge Loser (me) being In Love with a Huge Winner (her.)

next day sunday

slightly better. decided to take the med in the morning after getting out of bed, rather than at night right before going to bed. had done that latter before because I thought they made me too sleepy and tired and lazy and lethargic, hahaha.

so this time i decided to switch it up and take it first thing in the morning and say f00k it, let me be tired. the main goal now is to get through the day and not be angry and distracted, so that i can actually get stuff done. do stuff. do tasks. read a book. do homework. do  cover letters. not blow stuff off.

if you hate school as much as I do, which is quite a lot, you should probably take at LEAST two semesters off. It will probably take you at least one full semester just to force yourself to go to a counselor. and yes you should see a counselor. see them several times before you start school again. tell them how much you hate skool, and that you have horrible “depression” (they should know about that, they should have a masters degree), but that you know you have to do this somehow, but you are gonna need a lot of help.

* listen to Cuban Tango type music. Carribean, Miami Beach, Cuban type stuff.

tell them you have “treatment resistant depression.” because maybe you do. maybe i do. well, in order to determine that, then you have to get as much treatment as possible.

* oh yeah. STIGMA. you could say that’s the biggest thing here. STIGMA. “STIGMA”. That I only use the term “morally lazy losers” because I’ve been fooled by the stigma; that because of stigma I can’t just simply say “Depression” without the scare quotes, or calling it something else, or doubting that it even exists, or “blaming the victims” and calling them Morally Lazy Losers who brought this all upon themselves.

Well, that’s actually probably accurate, I have been coerced by the Stigma; that’s how powerful and insidious the Stigma is. Ok, fine. So then just don’t tell people you don’t trust.  I guess. So I should STOP calling people “morally lazy losers”, even if I’m just joking, because it just feeds into The Stigma. Fine.

It’s just that you FEEL lazy, and to your malefactors/detractors/enemies, you LOOK lazy too. So it’s real easy for them to call you lazy, and you kinda BELIEVE it too!

if you have to watch TV, which is not really a good habit, then at least turn the sound off during the commercials. this really helps.

so maybe the Good Thing that comes out of Me seeing Girl7 again is that I made up my mind to: start taking Meds again; take a extended break from Skool. I guess these things could be construed as bad. But they can also be construed as good.  because skool will still be there when I want to go back. Come on. Even the Overachieving Asian kids where an A- = an F don’t hate skool as much as I do!

Also saw a beautiful girl in Church who could possibly knock G7 from the pedestal. the bad news is that this girl could not be any older than 18, heh. Kinda hard for men of my age to Court 18 year old girls, but I guess it’s not impossible.

anyway enough about me. just cautiously optimistic about these meds, not that I have any reason to be, because I guess I am that desperate. probably never should have gotten off them in the first place. can’t remember when I started doing that. Think it was around December 2012.

so what have I learned between now and then. I had already been “dumped/rejected” by Girl7 well before that. the main difference was that I was taking some Math Classes that I really hated, which “burned me out” on skool.  Heh. maybe the main thing I learned was that Quitting Meds was not really Reaping Any Benefits.

tues 8 13 2013

Heh, Even if there is a “Placebo Effect” to the meds, that is better than no effect at all. Maybe.

But yeah. it is ROUGH being in TRUE LOVE with somebody and not having that work out. That is A BRIDGE TOO FAR. Because True Love is a POWERFUL, Earth-Shattering, Life-changing thing. It can bring you up from the depths of despair to the highest hieghts of happiness, no foolin. And then right back down again. And don’t let anyone, ESPECIALLY the Woman, tell you it’s NOT Really True Love. Because it IS.

I couldn’t even IMAGINE having to see this girl on a regular basis! And then I realized: THAT’S WHAT THE FRIENDZONE IS. And that’s exactly why The Friendzone is like CANCER.

The good news: you have the power, at all times, to officially END the Friendzone right here and now. So Go Do It. Pull The Plug. You can never really get TRAPPED in the Friendzone. You simply get out of it by saying, “Hey babe, I don’t want to be friends right now. Let’s take a little break from seeing each other.” And then never see or talk to her again.

And then just wait a long time, a long long long time. Maybe take some Meds. Don’t expect to feel that way for another woman for a long, long time. And really…what did feeling that way (true love) for the last woman GET you anyway? Pain & Suffering.

* Spongebob Squarepants is an EXCELLENT show for lifting your mood. Thankfully it is frequently on on the “Nick” station. I am watching it RIGHT NOW. I prescribe you to watch One Hour of SPONGEBOB per day. You need to emulate the ridiculous, silly, childish humor. You need to stop being so much like Squidward, and more like Spongebob!

I really like that going to WORK at a Deadend JOB is a MAJOR part of the show, one doesn’t expect this from a kids show. You will certainly be able to relate with Squidward: he is grumpy and crabby and angry and irritated and irritable and easily annoyed and a huge b1tch and his dreams are dead and his soul is crushed and he is probably a kissless virgin too.

Heh. But I argue if Squidward were really “depressed,” it would INTERFERE with his WORK and with his LIFE: he would call in SICK to work more, possibly get FIRED. (“Mental Health Days”, hahaha) He would not have his neighbor Spongebob knocking on his door every day, because his Bad Attitude would drive most Normal People away. Also notice how Spongebob is “probably” the HAPPIEST person/sponge in the world. Be Like Spongebob. At All Times.  Also, Squidward would not have Outside Hobbies, like playing his Clarinet. He would just go Straight To Bed after Getting Off Work, and not get up until he has to go back to Work again. Also he could not afford to live in that nice house, he would either be a basement dweller living with his parents, or he would live in a violent slum.

But despite not being realistic, the show is classic.

* use a browser plugin or software or SOMETHING to keep you from going to WordPress or whatever your Top Time Wasting Sites Are. I GOTTA get SOME work done.