DESPAIR, WANTING TO SLEEP ALL DAY

7 24

Heh.  what it all boils down to, is you have to be a WORKAHOLIC just to Survive Bare Minimum. You don’t get to sleep in, you don’t get to take a break, you don’t get to have A Social Life, you don’t get Movie Night or Date Night or Family Night, you don’t get to Sleep In on Weekends.

heh. on Day 1 of Forcing myself to Get Up Earlier so I can Get Things Done and force self to be better with Time Management. Meaning no more 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Cut it down to 7! Of course, Real Workaholics get only 5 tops. That’s what you gotta do. So just be tired and give shoddy work, half-ass work, rather than no work. what, is your boss gonna FIRE you? They might. So let them. Let yourself get thrown out on the STREETS. As long as you don’t DRINK, you can prob get a bed in a Homeless Shelter.

But your boss yells at you and puts pressure on your because of your shoddy work, your boss hates you and is looking to fire you and would NEVER recommend you for ANYTHING, he not-so-secretly wants you and your family to die in a gutter.

yeah. so how do you get a reference/recommendation from your boss if your boss hates you and thinks you are Pond Scum? I guess you do not. You get recommendations from the one person at work you actually get along with, even if they are not your Boss per se. It doesn’t even matter if it’s your boss. Get it from your Work Friend.

Cal Newport: Secrets of the Best College Students, or something. I can prob recommend this book.

So LinkedIn is GrownUp Career Adult Facebook. Does it Cheapen or Devalue You, Your Skills, and your Recommendations by having that sort of stuff “cheaply” available on LinkedIn? Like you have 10 endorsements for 10 skill, 10 little recommendation blurbs from your Work Friends.

What I’m saying is: LinkedIn Recommendation Blurbs CAN’T be worth as much, or devalue the value of, more traditional recommendation letters……can they??

7 26

i forgot you can be tired AND angry. this is like the internet of your brain going down. No Connection to anything. Nothing makes sense. read words, they don’t mean anything. stupid mistakes multiply exponentially. you look REALLY stupid. so just push through to the end of the day and then go immediately to sleep. hopefully you don’t have any big obligations or deadlines to do after your day of Paid Work. Although you probably Should, because to Make It In Life, you have to be an Overachieving Workaholic who does work from 5 am to 2 am 7 days a week. and “only” 40 hours of that is Paid, if you’re Lucky.

BECAUSE THE WISE FARMER KNOWS THAT YOU DO NOT REAP AND SOW IN THE SAME DAY! YOU DO NOT REAP WHAT YOU SOW THAT VERY SAME DAY! IT TAKES A LONG TIME! MONTHS AND YEARS!

stayed up late to go to a concert, very tired the next day at Underjob. And this is going to bed at 1:30am and getting up at 7:30 am! This is Normal for Average Working Adults! This is ABOVE Average for Average Working Adults!

Drank one large strong coffee but did not want to drink any more because The Guts were acting up. Now just drinking water.

If I had an Extracurricular or anything Unpaid I would consider SHIRKING it just to take a 2 hour nap!

Anyway just wanted to say, a lot has changed in The Metal World since I was young. This was an Old School band who were around when I was young, I saw them several times when I was young, always great band, great times.

Anyway it’s not just a matter of Modern Hipsters now liking Metal, but also Metal in general being More Popular. There are Cute Young Girls at metal shows, wearing denim vests with patches (this is big metal style thing now) of bands that were considering pretty “true” or “underground” or “untrendy” 10 years ago. Of course “true” vs “false” is still a very hot button topic, and it all does smack of Hipster Tryhardism. Just saying that 10 years ago, there weren’t nearly so many Cute Young Girls at True Untrendy Death Metal Shows. Girls only like Trendy things. which is fine, that’s What Girls Are Like, I can accept that.

But yeah I was touched and moved by the Friendliness and Diversity and Openness. Not just Angry Young Hateful Failure Loser Troglodytes who want to Beat People Up! But Social, Friendly Men and Women who want to have a Good Social Time, a decent number of them probably have Good Jobs, they aren’t total Wastoid Losers in other words, despite their Long Hair and Tattoos. Metal was more of a Loser Outcast thing when I was young. Now the Young Metal Kids listen to their Old School Death Metal, get drunk on cheap beer, and get Tatts, but now they also have a Good Social Time with their friends, go to college, get unpaid internships, go to Grad School, get Good Lower Middle Class Jobs, get Gurlfrans and Wives and aren’t 30 year old Virgin Loser Omega Male Wizards like Your Author, hahahaha.

No I’m not a Wizard really, I WOULD get banned from Wizardchan if I Told The Full Truth: that I have FRIENDS, that I’m NOT a virgin (although, for a normalfag male, embarrassingly close to it!)

So in other words, the Metal Crowd seemed a lot more positive and I would have LOVED it if I were 18. But it reminded me of how Old I was, That Feel When you just can’t Get Into NEW things anymore, can’t fully enjoy new things or new people, you’re too far gone.

Though the very idea of a Cute Metal Gurlfran would have prob driven me crazy at the time. But now I would just find it too Weird. Do Not Want. But heck it’s hard to imagine really liking ANY Women after Girl 7! Too old for it! Too far gone! Can’t enjoy New Women!

So it’s funny how one can get in the Depths of Despair even when things are going WELL: got a nice Internship Offered to me on a Silver Platter, went to a fun Metal Show with a nice Audience, then I get tired from 6 full hours of sleep and get very crabby? See what just happened there! Maybe it was writing all this stuff that made me crabby! But yeah. perfect example of a ton of great things happening but you’re STILL in a Bad Mood. Also had an old great friend come in from out of town, had a nice delicious dinner, nice concert experience.  I Should be on Cloud 9 right now, despite being a Little Bit Sleepy!

But NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Makes you absolutely certain something is Fundamentally wrong with you, when you got all this good stuff going for you, but NOOOOOOOO. You can’t enjoy it.

Well, I guess, yes, something is wrong with you, but we can FIX it.

What would MAKE you enjoy it? Oh yeah: the Usual Excuse of: If the Last Girl You Were (Ever) In Luv With (And Will “Probably Be The Last Gurl You Ever Luv,” Cuz now you’re “Just Too Old and Tired and Jaded and Bitter”, now you’re just “DONE”) had successfully Become Your Gurlfran (for me that was “Girl 7”), and/or you had a Decent, Respectable, Lower Middle Class Masters Degree Job or Upper Working Class Bachelors Degree Job. Then you would enjoy everything. That would Fix you up just fine.

So yeah. really thinking about getting back on the Prozac/Paxil train; up from the 5 mg Weaning Dose, to the 20mg Normal Dose.

* oh here’s a great idea: maybe think of a “therapy group” or “group therapy” if you’ve never tried that before. It is not just DBSA and Emotions Anonymous. There is also Depressed Anonymous (heh heh), Lazy Losers Anonymous (heh), and you can also search PsychologyToday.com for local Therapy Groups which are Coordinated by a Mental Health Professional.

7 28 sunday

gotta dig deep today, but also don’t want to fight it.

so friday I was tired from getting “only” 6 hours of sleep, stayed in and watched movies all night. day off saturday, slept and slept and napped and dozed, got up, did some chores/errands, took a nap, had no energy, could only lay facedown and struggle to respond to texts, EVEN RESPONDING TO TEXTS takes a lot of energy, did not get my “wind” till about 7pm, dinner with friend, then movie with other friend, try not to be a negative nancy to muh franz.

good dinner, good movie, got home decent hour, like 12:30am, then sunday, day 2 off, slept till like 10 am, still tired, I figure that it takes me a good FOUR HOURS of being awake and being in a horrible, despairing, terrible, awful, downright scary mood, before that wears off. this is why I prefer to Work in the Morning. Then not so awful. I can be tired but at least be thankful I am being Minimally Useful, and that I am good enough at my Underjob that I can do it without a lot of effort or anxiety.

trying to get up at 8:45 am during the week and stick to a Time Management Schedule of: exercise, do Solid Work on my “Internship”, then go to my Underjob, then try not to stay up too late, so I can get good sleep and get up at 8:45 am the next day.

Reading 3 and will soon be 4 Books re Learning Skills and Knowledge applicable to “internship”, but not sure if I can “count” that as “internship” time because it’s not direct Work. That’s like the Homework you’re supposed to do outside of class.

Gotta keep reminding myself, Shoddy Work is better than No Work. Of course, doing shoddy work is frowned upon. But doing NO work is frowned upon even more.

but saturday was SCARY: having no energy all day, That Feel When, Friday Night, you Feel like you’d like to Sleep Twenty-Four Hours STRAIGHT. You procrastinate on Household errands and chores so you can sleep, take two naps, basically Nap Till Dinnertime, feels like a HANGOVER that lasts ALL DAY. The absolute best thing here is Being Scheduled For WORK, so then you can make money at least.

If you have to do “work from home” and actually get stuff done, it might be best to go to Starbucks or go to the Library, and stay there for at least four hours, and get something done there. when you have serious work on any sort of Sorta Serious Project, Four Hours is almost the Mimimum. Maybe Two. Because it takes at LEAST One Hour just to get the momentum rolling. Warm Up.

Well, just take it one day at a time, do some work rather than no work, maybe get back on 20 mg of SSRIs, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, pray, lift, walk, don’t stay out too late, be thankful for the good things. let go and let god, hahahahaha.

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