THE ONE WORD: LIFT

The one Word. The ONLY Word. THE Magic Bullet that will Solve All your problems, Fix Everything Wrong With You, Change your bad habits into good habits, magically transform you from a loser into a winner.

A Miracle. a miracle to You, from GOD.

The one word.

The ONLY Word.

LIFT.

june 26

* Great Advice For College Students: Join a RELIGIOUS Club. The Women there will probably be less promiscuous and decadent. Everyone will probably be nice and hard working and have good habits for you to admire. The Girls will probably not Dump You for just wanting to Cuddle for the First Month and Take It Slow, because they will share your Conservative Values. Protip: Religious people may be annoying, but they’re way LESS annoying than atheists. A lot of Well Adjusted, Healthy, Admirable people are Religious.

I guess I would let you join a Buddhist group but I worry there might be some “free love” sluts up in there. But I am bretty open to Buddhism. However you’re probably not mature enough to even THINK of Buddhism until you’re 30. Or 40. Damn just start with a CATHOLIC group and go from there. Hard to go wrong with the Catholics, hahahahahahaha.

So there you can meet Cute Young College QT3.14s who will Cuddle With You, Not Dump You for being Awkward With Sex, meet smart kids doing smart things, probably some successful families you can network into, and they can keep you off of drugs and booze, because you can Relieve Your Stress and Anger by hanging out with these nice welcoming people, or cuddling with your Chaste Catholic QT College Gurlfran. Problems solved!

* But yeah I’m not gonna talk TOO much about Religion on this blog, and I will certainly not try to CONVERT anyone. I’m not sure I will ever even HAVE Pure FAITH myself. I have more doubt than faith actually. I would be a great atheist. But instead I choose to align myself with CATHOLICS. That should tell you something. That atheists are the most annoying, hateable bunch on the planet.

* LIFT. Hope you haven’t forgotten The One Word. LIFT.

* LIFT.

* The more you LIFT, the less you will hate College, and the better you will Do at college, and the better you will compete against the INCREASING number TRYHARDS for the DECREASING number of Good JOBS.

* And by “good”, I don’t mean Middle Class. I mean Upper Working Class so you can have a FAMILY someday. That’s all.

* If you drink Iced Tea all day, your teeth WILL turn a disgusting brown. So try to brush your teeth every day, hahaha. no seriously I know that feel. I feel ya. bro. Sometimes you are just so angry and tired and exhausted that you just want to lay down, you don’t even want to brush your TEETH before going to bed. You MIGHT brush your teeth for a QT but there ain’t no QT. (You would not brush your teeth for a landbeast seacow hambeast single mom!)

* “Who Are You To Judge Women Like That? You Don’t look like fagan fagling, or fagging fagum, or fagg pitt, or whatever?” no i do not. but the good news is, you DON’T HAVE TO SETTLE for a Hambeast! Because it’s better to have NO ONE! (Not saying Hambeasts might not possibly be good people. You just don’t want them in your Bed.)

june 27

what up son.

* really like the idea about a Motivational Managerial Quote in your Cover Letter. Think of Big Savvy CEOs having Managerial Conversations on Twitter. Powerful 4ss CEO’s, and not just Bill Gates because every moron knows who he is. Dig A little Deeper and find quotes that sound really impressive and smart and profound and poetic and technical. this will be a work in progress to find the perfect quote. something that makes YOU look really smart for thinking that the quote is smart.  Then open up your cover letter (or maybe conclude it with), “Jugdish Chatterjee of Fortune 50 C0mpany says, ‘the fundament of synergy is in fact communicative creativity and mindful vanguardization’ “.

THEN write ONE sentence on why you think that sentence is so smart. This whole Quotation Reflection thing CAN’T take up more than TWO SENTENCES, this IS a COVER LETTER after all, so you have to be SHORT.

THEN go into your standard spiel of how you know how to use ALL Microsoft Office Programs INCLUDING Access and Sharepoint.

But you DO have your MS Office Specialist Certificate, right?

hahaha. ANd remember you can always watch Sharepoint Vidyas on youtube for 1 hour before the interview so that way you don’t feeeeeel like you’re Boldface LYING, and will be able to Fake Confidence all the more convincingly.

Try not to pick someone too “EDGY” like Tim Ferriss. Although Kewl Kompanies probably wouldn’t think he’s so Edgy. There’s probably a New Edgy Kid on the Edgy Business Block by now anyway. I don’t keep up on f4ggy managerial MBA jargon. I WILL use it to my advantage, though, and encourage you to do the same.

Or maybe look up Ridiculous Interview Questions like “How Many Quarters would it take to stack up as high as the empire state building” or “how many Windows are in New York City” or “how many sheep are in new zealand” and Cleverly, almost arrogantly State These Facts in your Cover Letter as Briefly and Succinctly as possible. With Perhaps a VERY BRIEF explanation of how you figure these things out. For example, “I know the size of the angle of the two clockhands at time 12:41 is exactly .23456pi radians BECAUSE this time represents exactly 23% of 360 degrees”.

Or some stupid f4gg0t bullsh1t like that.

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