DESPAIR, WANTING TO SLEEP ALL DAY

7 24

Heh.  what it all boils down to, is you have to be a WORKAHOLIC just to Survive Bare Minimum. You don’t get to sleep in, you don’t get to take a break, you don’t get to have A Social Life, you don’t get Movie Night or Date Night or Family Night, you don’t get to Sleep In on Weekends.

heh. on Day 1 of Forcing myself to Get Up Earlier so I can Get Things Done and force self to be better with Time Management. Meaning no more 8 or 9 hours of sleep. Cut it down to 7! Of course, Real Workaholics get only 5 tops. That’s what you gotta do. So just be tired and give shoddy work, half-ass work, rather than no work. what, is your boss gonna FIRE you? They might. So let them. Let yourself get thrown out on the STREETS. As long as you don’t DRINK, you can prob get a bed in a Homeless Shelter.

But your boss yells at you and puts pressure on your because of your shoddy work, your boss hates you and is looking to fire you and would NEVER recommend you for ANYTHING, he not-so-secretly wants you and your family to die in a gutter.

yeah. so how do you get a reference/recommendation from your boss if your boss hates you and thinks you are Pond Scum? I guess you do not. You get recommendations from the one person at work you actually get along with, even if they are not your Boss per se. It doesn’t even matter if it’s your boss. Get it from your Work Friend.

Cal Newport: Secrets of the Best College Students, or something. I can prob recommend this book.

So LinkedIn is GrownUp Career Adult Facebook. Does it Cheapen or Devalue You, Your Skills, and your Recommendations by having that sort of stuff “cheaply” available on LinkedIn? Like you have 10 endorsements for 10 skill, 10 little recommendation blurbs from your Work Friends.

What I’m saying is: LinkedIn Recommendation Blurbs CAN’T be worth as much, or devalue the value of, more traditional recommendation letters……can they??

7 26

i forgot you can be tired AND angry. this is like the internet of your brain going down. No Connection to anything. Nothing makes sense. read words, they don’t mean anything. stupid mistakes multiply exponentially. you look REALLY stupid. so just push through to the end of the day and then go immediately to sleep. hopefully you don’t have any big obligations or deadlines to do after your day of Paid Work. Although you probably Should, because to Make It In Life, you have to be an Overachieving Workaholic who does work from 5 am to 2 am 7 days a week. and “only” 40 hours of that is Paid, if you’re Lucky.

BECAUSE THE WISE FARMER KNOWS THAT YOU DO NOT REAP AND SOW IN THE SAME DAY! YOU DO NOT REAP WHAT YOU SOW THAT VERY SAME DAY! IT TAKES A LONG TIME! MONTHS AND YEARS!

stayed up late to go to a concert, very tired the next day at Underjob. And this is going to bed at 1:30am and getting up at 7:30 am! This is Normal for Average Working Adults! This is ABOVE Average for Average Working Adults!

Drank one large strong coffee but did not want to drink any more because The Guts were acting up. Now just drinking water.

If I had an Extracurricular or anything Unpaid I would consider SHIRKING it just to take a 2 hour nap!

Anyway just wanted to say, a lot has changed in The Metal World since I was young. This was an Old School band who were around when I was young, I saw them several times when I was young, always great band, great times.

Anyway it’s not just a matter of Modern Hipsters now liking Metal, but also Metal in general being More Popular. There are Cute Young Girls at metal shows, wearing denim vests with patches (this is big metal style thing now) of bands that were considering pretty “true” or “underground” or “untrendy” 10 years ago. Of course “true” vs “false” is still a very hot button topic, and it all does smack of Hipster Tryhardism. Just saying that 10 years ago, there weren’t nearly so many Cute Young Girls at True Untrendy Death Metal Shows. Girls only like Trendy things. which is fine, that’s What Girls Are Like, I can accept that.

But yeah I was touched and moved by the Friendliness and Diversity and Openness. Not just Angry Young Hateful Failure Loser Troglodytes who want to Beat People Up! But Social, Friendly Men and Women who want to have a Good Social Time, a decent number of them probably have Good Jobs, they aren’t total Wastoid Losers in other words, despite their Long Hair and Tattoos. Metal was more of a Loser Outcast thing when I was young. Now the Young Metal Kids listen to their Old School Death Metal, get drunk on cheap beer, and get Tatts, but now they also have a Good Social Time with their friends, go to college, get unpaid internships, go to Grad School, get Good Lower Middle Class Jobs, get Gurlfrans and Wives and aren’t 30 year old Virgin Loser Omega Male Wizards like Your Author, hahahaha.

No I’m not a Wizard really, I WOULD get banned from Wizardchan if I Told The Full Truth: that I have FRIENDS, that I’m NOT a virgin (although, for a normalfag male, embarrassingly close to it!)

So in other words, the Metal Crowd seemed a lot more positive and I would have LOVED it if I were 18. But it reminded me of how Old I was, That Feel When you just can’t Get Into NEW things anymore, can’t fully enjoy new things or new people, you’re too far gone.

Though the very idea of a Cute Metal Gurlfran would have prob driven me crazy at the time. But now I would just find it too Weird. Do Not Want. But heck it’s hard to imagine really liking ANY Women after Girl 7! Too old for it! Too far gone! Can’t enjoy New Women!

So it’s funny how one can get in the Depths of Despair even when things are going WELL: got a nice Internship Offered to me on a Silver Platter, went to a fun Metal Show with a nice Audience, then I get tired from 6 full hours of sleep and get very crabby? See what just happened there! Maybe it was writing all this stuff that made me crabby! But yeah. perfect example of a ton of great things happening but you’re STILL in a Bad Mood. Also had an old great friend come in from out of town, had a nice delicious dinner, nice concert experience.  I Should be on Cloud 9 right now, despite being a Little Bit Sleepy!

But NOOOOOOOOOOO.

Makes you absolutely certain something is Fundamentally wrong with you, when you got all this good stuff going for you, but NOOOOOOOO. You can’t enjoy it.

Well, I guess, yes, something is wrong with you, but we can FIX it.

What would MAKE you enjoy it? Oh yeah: the Usual Excuse of: If the Last Girl You Were (Ever) In Luv With (And Will “Probably Be The Last Gurl You Ever Luv,” Cuz now you’re “Just Too Old and Tired and Jaded and Bitter”, now you’re just “DONE”) had successfully Become Your Gurlfran (for me that was “Girl 7”), and/or you had a Decent, Respectable, Lower Middle Class Masters Degree Job or Upper Working Class Bachelors Degree Job. Then you would enjoy everything. That would Fix you up just fine.

So yeah. really thinking about getting back on the Prozac/Paxil train; up from the 5 mg Weaning Dose, to the 20mg Normal Dose.

* oh here’s a great idea: maybe think of a “therapy group” or “group therapy” if you’ve never tried that before. It is not just DBSA and Emotions Anonymous. There is also Depressed Anonymous (heh heh), Lazy Losers Anonymous (heh), and you can also search PsychologyToday.com for local Therapy Groups which are Coordinated by a Mental Health Professional.

7 28 sunday

gotta dig deep today, but also don’t want to fight it.

so friday I was tired from getting “only” 6 hours of sleep, stayed in and watched movies all night. day off saturday, slept and slept and napped and dozed, got up, did some chores/errands, took a nap, had no energy, could only lay facedown and struggle to respond to texts, EVEN RESPONDING TO TEXTS takes a lot of energy, did not get my “wind” till about 7pm, dinner with friend, then movie with other friend, try not to be a negative nancy to muh franz.

good dinner, good movie, got home decent hour, like 12:30am, then sunday, day 2 off, slept till like 10 am, still tired, I figure that it takes me a good FOUR HOURS of being awake and being in a horrible, despairing, terrible, awful, downright scary mood, before that wears off. this is why I prefer to Work in the Morning. Then not so awful. I can be tired but at least be thankful I am being Minimally Useful, and that I am good enough at my Underjob that I can do it without a lot of effort or anxiety.

trying to get up at 8:45 am during the week and stick to a Time Management Schedule of: exercise, do Solid Work on my “Internship”, then go to my Underjob, then try not to stay up too late, so I can get good sleep and get up at 8:45 am the next day.

Reading 3 and will soon be 4 Books re Learning Skills and Knowledge applicable to “internship”, but not sure if I can “count” that as “internship” time because it’s not direct Work. That’s like the Homework you’re supposed to do outside of class.

Gotta keep reminding myself, Shoddy Work is better than No Work. Of course, doing shoddy work is frowned upon. But doing NO work is frowned upon even more.

but saturday was SCARY: having no energy all day, That Feel When, Friday Night, you Feel like you’d like to Sleep Twenty-Four Hours STRAIGHT. You procrastinate on Household errands and chores so you can sleep, take two naps, basically Nap Till Dinnertime, feels like a HANGOVER that lasts ALL DAY. The absolute best thing here is Being Scheduled For WORK, so then you can make money at least.

If you have to do “work from home” and actually get stuff done, it might be best to go to Starbucks or go to the Library, and stay there for at least four hours, and get something done there. when you have serious work on any sort of Sorta Serious Project, Four Hours is almost the Mimimum. Maybe Two. Because it takes at LEAST One Hour just to get the momentum rolling. Warm Up.

Well, just take it one day at a time, do some work rather than no work, maybe get back on 20 mg of SSRIs, don’t drink, don’t do drugs, pray, lift, walk, don’t stay out too late, be thankful for the good things. let go and let god, hahahahaha.

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ANOTHER HUGE POST

7 17

do you hate your boss? does your boss hate you? if you answered no to both those questions, then you HAVE to find some way to get a reference letter out of them. Unless doing so will get you fired. if not, you have to do it.

I talk alot about Bribing, and wouldn’t it be nice if we could just bribe the interviewers with cash or a pizza party. Well here ya go, the Reference Letter is like a kind of Bribe in that sense, one that will ACTUALLY work!

Using this logic, we can put a DOLLAR VALUE on the Reference letter. Estimated. If it helps you get a new job, then it’s worth literally THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS. But let’s just say it’s worth a Hundred Dollars. Or Five Hundred. And your boss is willing to give it to you for FREE if you ask nicely. It is like a Five Hundred Dollar Bill laying on the sidewalk for you, just as long as you are willing to bend over and pick it up. And then you take that Five Hundred Dollar Bill and Bribe your future boss with it.

thurs 7 18

well, gotta be careful of muh privacy here. ANYWAY, TLDR is I just got a bit of that MIRACLE I’ve been PRAYING for for many years, haha, essentially an “unpaid internship”. I know I have spoken out against these, well, kind of. hate the fact that you have to be YOUNG, and FULL TIME STUDENT, to get a “good” or “useful” internship, and to be “good” or useful”, the internship HAS to be full time. But I understand how IMPORTANT and MANDATORY The Internship is for getting A Job, Any Job, Bare MInimum, Survival, and possibly mating if you’re lucky. No Internships, No Job, No Mate, No Win, No Life.

The good news is: I like the guy, like him a lot, good mentor role model type; also I didn’t have to do any work to find it (hence the MIRACLE aspect). just handed to me on a silver platter. And since Companies don’t like training you, you HAVE to do Unpaid INternships to get ANY kind of TRAINING in ANYTHING, well, why not. Plus I get more blurbs on resume, more reference letters. PLUS it is not intended to be a Full Time thing, which is good, because I can’t do 40 Hours Unpaid a week anyhow.

However since I like the guy and personally don’t want to disappoint him, that means I have to drastically rearrange my schedule and stay Busy Like A Bigboy.

I might screw up, but I don’t want it to be because of being lazy or blowing off tasks, like I did when I was a Useless Degree Field/Department (Social Sciences) Research Assistant. And I was getting paid slightly more than Min Wage for that!

This is something more ahem related to my current “major” of CompSci.

Even though Real Winners do 40 hour a week 3 month internships (sometimes paid! you KNOW it’s a GoodUseful Internship (kinda like a Useful Degree) if it’s PAID and it’s at a FORTUNE 500 COMPANY) during Summers 1 2 and 3, that ship has sailed for me, and I can only commit to less than 20 hours a week. Meaning most non-nice people would not want to even think of Training Me For Free!

But this guy is nice, and he’s doing a nice thing for me, so I want to not give up, because I don’t want to disappoint him, bc I could possibly leverage this into something bigger later, ie it’s NOT USELESS, bc I prob will never get another chance like this EVER AGAIN FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Meaning for the next several months this blog might slow down.

actually drew out The Grid/Spreadsheet of All The Hours in a Week. The Time Management Project.

AAAANNNNDDD if, God Willing yet another Miracle, I get this 2nd Part Time Job I’m trying for, then I would be Working Over Full Time, plus this thing, which you could probably an Internship, but I hate that WORD. But since I recognize The Internship as a Powerful, Job-Getting Thing, I might as well Reclaim the Word, Own it, as a way of saying, YES, THAT IS ME, I AM NOW A WINNER, I’M NOT A LOSER ANY MORE.

Which would be real nice! I’m so sick of being a loser! I’ve been a Loser for the past 10 years (although I started going Off Track a few years before that!)

Well no, actually I’ve only been a Real Loser for the past EIGHT years. come on now.

7 20

Might as well say the word “internship” because that’s a way of explaining to others WHY you’re busy. Well the good news is that I am trying to stay so busy that I don’t have time to think of myself as a Huge Loser, the bad news is I am Totes Freaking Out about this new thing now. So I will say, well at least I’m trying something, trying to be accountable to someone, and give it some TIME, things are ALWAYS nerve wracking in the first few WEEKS.

Plus I will most assuredly learn SOMETHING about the old Web Dev. Think of it as a CLASS, but a Class You Can Put On Your RESUME. Heh. Wouldn’t it be nice if you could put CLASSES on your RESUME. So instead of saying: “Walmart – part time customer service. did cash register and had idiots scream at me all day.” you could say “Calculus 5 Incorporated – Manager InstructorName. Did really really really hard complex huge calculus problems and had my work evaluated as Superior by The Manager. Master level implementation of Green’s Theorem etc.”

Just want to manage my time effectively, which I’ve NEVER been good at, get stuff done and not be an idiot, but also for example do one social thing per week. Got a friend coming in from out of town and I want to see a lot of them for example, more than once per week!

So, a little worried about disciplining myself to Get Up Early To Do Unpaid Work From Home. Historically the only thing that gets me to Get Up Early is Paid Work.

So I guess just do it I guess. Just really quite ANXIOUS about it all, usually I am Lazy And Angry, not usually this Anxious. Hopefully the anxiety decreases as I get more used to things.

REAL GOOD RULE OF THUMB: keep forgetting to mention. If you do not have at least ONE THOUSAND HOURS of out-of-school, extracurricular, hands-on, workplace, working, industry, internship Experience, you will not get hired in an Entry Level Fulltime $10 An Hour Job. Shoot for 1000 hours of Experience As you Complete your Useful Bachelors Degree. Then you’ll have a bretty good chance of Getting A Job.

Hopefully I will get 400 to 500 out of my thing.

JULY 23 2013

well kiddos, didn’t think I’d reach this point. where I have no more drafts left. but I have been busy recently, starting the past week. or at least felt real busy, and real Stressed Out, and almost like Being A Lazy Loser is BETTER because at least they get time to REST.

Time management, free time, having something To Do 16 hours a day, not being able to schedule 8 hours of sleep a night because you have too many obligations and responsibilities.

So I am in a real in between phase right now, where I am officially doing “internship” tasks, trying to fit X hours of that into my Schedule, trying to do decent work and not disappoint My Guy is high on my priority list. Mitigating Factors there are: this Social Pasttime Hobby I have which, if you want to Seriously Get Stuff Done Like A Bigboy, is a Serious Time Burglar.

Trying to take it one day at a time AND implement a thing where, starting IMMEDIATELY, I Get Up Earlier and Earlier each day. I and Anybody can get up at 4 am if it is because we have to Get To Paid Work early in the morning. You do it for the money. But where there’s no paycheck involved, it’s harder to Get Up Early, when you are working an Afternoon/Second Shift at your Underjob.

Anyway. Say your Stress Level has Doubled Or Tripled recently, or you have found yourself with a New Responsibility that is gonna Push You To Your Limit, but you don’t want to Sh1t The Bed by Shirking Said Responsibility. So you go ahead and just do a half-ass job. A Half-ass Job Is Over 50,000% better Than A No-Ass Job!

So don’t let anyone b1tch at you for doing a Half Ass Job. This would be a HUGE “baby” step up from the Usual Behavior of Doing Nothing.

HYUGE 9000 WORD POST

(actually only 2500)

tues 7 16

Heh. I like to check the search terms in the stats that bring people here. great stuff. indicates that I Know My Audience Well. today was “lazy research assistant.” heh. that was haunting. I actually WAS one of those once.

My Professor was a REAL nice guy. I did a good thing by Reaching out to a Nice Professor, and he truly was Real Nice and not an 4sshole……and then shortly after I Sh4t The Bed, shirking my work, becoming a lazy research assistant, because I couldn’t CONTROL MY FEELS ABOUT GRILLS. (GURLS). DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU.

Where I should have been Busting My 4ss for the Prof, and really “leveraging” the niceness of the Prof to get me into a Good Job Somewhere Anywhere, NO, I slacked off and gave up, because I couldn’t handle Romantic Rejection. DON’T DO THIS.

Did I mention I’ve been listening to NOTHING but The Grateful Dead for a week straight? “Touch of Grey” is a great song too, fits RIGHT in with all their old classics. They were playing it since 1982 BTW. FYI.

(1989)

When I was young, the Grateful Dead album EVERYBODY had was the “Skeletons in the closet” Greatest Hits CD. Heck this is a great place to start too! Even though it’s all Studio! It’s not like the dead sounded BAD in the studio!

* you know how hard you work and struggle and fight and thrash limbs and try not to drown and fight and grind and chip away at SKOOL? If you used about 33% of that Energy and Work and Fighting to Fix Your Loserness, then you would become a Winner and find skool, work, and luv easier!

* relates to my theory that we should teach 4 credit hour College Style Classes on how to Fix Your Loserness.

* WHILE keeping in mind that sometimes we need to Stop FIGHTING our “Depression” as Ajahn Brahm says. HOWEVER, I don’t think that means that we NECESSARILY need to STOP eating well, stop sleeping well, stop exercising, stop lifting, stop praying, etc.

* Because I think we can work to Fix our Laziness but it doesn’t HAVE to be Grueling, Draining, Fighting, it can be as “easy” as Reading A Book or Taking a WALK. Admitting that Reading Books can be REALLY HARD, but I find reading book specifically on the topic of Fixing Laziness is easier than reading a book on for example Computer Programming. Because it’s Super f00king Relevant to our lives and our immediate state of mind.

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I don’t usually like doing super long posts because who’s gonna READ a 9000 word post, and considering I would like to Help People. So I promise not to do this every day! I USUALLY try to keep it to 1000. Although 800 would be ideal bc 1000 is a little long!

Anyway there IS some GREAT stuff in today’s 9000 word post. GREAT stuff. WELL worth reading. Heh, Heh. Job tips, Life Stories, Feels. The usu solid gold stuff.

7 16

yeah that’s been my thing: hard to CONCENTRATE. Not like this is a NEW problem whatsoever! But it really sums it up nicely: can’t concentrate on schoolwork, can’t concentrate on long term plans, can’t concentrate on job search, can’t concentrate on reading or studying, because there is so much anger, confusion, and hopelessness about everything, and every little thing is hard as f00k and draining.  you don’t feel normal, don’t feel right.

So you say, what would a mature responsible adult do in this situation? And then go do it.

Today dropped off the application packet. Every god damn little thing. Not used to actually dropping off applications. So I said, WELL, OBVIOUSLY the BEST choice would be to hand deliver it to the person named. It gave a name. Anything to get them to remember you. don’t want to come all that way just to drop it off with “The Gatekeeper” at the front desk. But then I realized I didn’t have a great Spiel. Be lucky to have a 10 second spiel. Always been terrible at Spiels and Elevator Speeches. Struck out Three Times with that at the Job Fair. Be like, I hate everything but I’m smart, just gimme a 10 an hour Full Time Entry Level Job, I have a 120 IQ I Swear, I swear to god, you gotta help me, pleeeeeease, I don’t interview well but I DO do the job well. Maybe. And then I realized all of my clothes are kinda sh1tty. Wearing the same old clothes for years. REALLY gotta get new clothes, REALLY always been bad about shopping for Spiffy New Clothes Always. But I wasn’t gonna put on my Semi-Shoddy SUIT to drop off an application in 90 degree SuperHumid Weather. Though I would if I were actually working the job!

TLDR I asked the Gatekeeper for the person, said it was In Regards To the Job, they went back and checked, said they were not available, so I said thank ya very much and gave THEM my packet.

I put the Packet in a Manila Envelope. It was about 10 pages.

On the front of the envelope I put My Name, what It Was, and the person’s name. In hindsight I probably should have printed these on Avery Labels because that sends the signal that you know how to print labels. But I just printed it on paper, cut out the stuff, and taped it on with clear packing tape. Looked better than it sounds!

Protip: Learn CALLIGRAPHY or just real neat fancy Handwriting. My handwriting is not very professional looking, so I try to type everything. However, I would say, real fancy calligraphy would have also made a Positive Impact. Maybe. Definitely better than Everyday Chickenscratch!

Protip: All the people at your Current Job you would list as references, your new homework assignment is to actually ask them to write you a brief reference LETTER that you can use for All Jobs, and get them to send you the doc file so you can have it forever. Don’t even need to be sneaky about this. Be like I want to use this for various jobs in the future so just know I might be editing it to change the date, the position name, the company, so kinda make it a “Fill In The Blank letter.” And then just talk about what an awesome person I am.

Protip: This would prob only work if it’s An Underjob And Everybody There Knows It. If It’s a Upper Working Class Bigboy $10 an hour Fulltime Entry Level Bachelors Degree Job, your Superior might not like the idea of you Looking For Better Paying Work Elsewhere.

. go take a break buddy

.official virgin age meter

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However it’s still good to have references. Maybe LIE TO YOUR BOSS and tell them you are trying to……get nominated for Steering Committee At Church. That you’re Running For Unpaid Office. Church works. Or Boy Scouts, School Board, Kiwanis, Optimists, Elks, Moose, Masons, Church. MAYBE graduate school. That one could be risky. (Although If you ARE serious about going to Grad Skool, you WILL need Good, Relevant References.)

“HE’S SMART, HE JUST DOESN’T APPLY HIMSELF” is what they always said about you. APPLY YOURSELF. Well, actually, maybe they didn’t say that about you. They usually say that about High School Students. But because you got good grades in high school, they didn’t say you didn’t apply yourself. It wasn’t till College and Beyond that your Really Realized how much you weren’t applying yourself and how godawful that was.

Heh. This blog is especially intended for people who were Good in High School, but then REALLY Sh4t the Bed in COLLEGE. Became A Loser In College/University.

However if you became a loser in High School, well, I’m pretty welcoming, as long as you really “self-identify” with 30 year old kissless virgin wizard neet neckbeard r9k losers.

The type of person where people say, oh he started out so well, WHAT HAPPENED?

Well, a lotta things: bad habits, not applying yourself, not Engaging In School, not doing this, not doing that, more bad habits, laziness, procrastination, not caring, not adapting well to College, not adapting well to Life or Adult Life or even Late Adolescent Life really, a lotta things happened, lotta little things, maybe a few big things. And now you hate everything and can barely bring yourself to go out and buy clothes or talk to a College Counselor, and you try to trace it back. LET’S JUST ESTIMATE 18. Because even if you were angry and hateful and weird and nonnormal in high school, things didn’t get REALLLLY Bad until AFTER high school, when you went to college, as was expected for kids who did well in high school. THEN you ROYALLY F00ked up, and have been on that f00ked up road ever since.

Got off track, feel like you can’t get back on track. Or say you’ve been off track for 12 years – is it gonna take 12 years to get back on track? Heh so by age 42 you will be at the level of a Normalfag EIGHTEEN year old, hahahahahahahaha.

If you know these feels, this blog is for you!

I would say keep exercising, keep praying, keep Reaching Out To As Many PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE as possible for HELP and then following up with them, and also try martial arts classes, practice small talk, find the cheapest shrink you can and go at LEAST once every two weeks, although once a week would be ideal, and also try DBSA “Depression” Support Group meetings. Heh. I would like to try one of those if I weren’t so Lazy, Stubborn, and Afraid. And stop making EXCUSES, hahahahahaha.

Sh1t. MAYBE continue taking brain-destroying SSRI meds until you’re no longer a LOSER. I have been on like 5 mg of Paxil a day for months, trying to rid my brain of this Poison, but at this point, I’d almost rather have a Broken, Poisoned Brain and Be A Winner, than have a Drug-Free Brain and be a total f00king LOSER. Cost Benefit Analysis!

So I might go up to the Minimum Effective Therapeutic Dose, cuz I can guarantee you, 5 mg is prob well below it.

Like if the “cost” of your permanently fried brain is, it’s chemically no longer plagued with hateful angry thoughts and it’s easier for you to concentrate, and the Undrugged brain is full of Hate, Anger, and Unconcentration, well, I’ll take the Drugged Brain any day! Because the price of Being A Loser is the deciding factor.

You can try quitting meds once you’re a Winner In Life. Like people with Good Jobs and Good Mates.

But if you can’t even get a Sh1tty job, can’t get even a sh1tty mate, well, maybe it’s time to start taking those brain-frying drugs. Like your brain isn’t ALREADY fried most of the day, unable to concentrate, hateful angry scared neurotic thoughts all day.

ok you can skip this because it’s Off Topic:

Movie Review: “Session 9”

You don’t have to read the movie reviews if you don’t want to! It’s just one of those rare times when I am not filled with negative feels and can write about something else! Can actually use my brain for something that’s not feels! But boy howdy don’t think this means I would or could do all the work it takes to become a Career Film Critic! Talk about tons of graduate school, schmoozing, unpaid internships, reading marxist books on theory and what have you. No Thanks!

Well this was one of the better Average Movies I’ve seen in a while. I stayed up late, til like 240 am, because I really wanted to watch a Scary Movie, it’s been a while. This movie was solidly entertaining. i enjoy solid entertainment in addition to Horror and Ridiculous 8 hour long Foreign Art Films. But solid entertainment is hard to find. usually will go to TV shows for this: arrested development, game of thrones, breaking bad. starting to get a little bored with star trek tng. taking break from arrested d.

plus when you have so many anger feel and can’t concentrate, you can’t even concentrate on a TV show or movie!

Session 9 was surprisingly well written and well acted. Even David Caruso was good. 2001. Hazmat company must clean asbestos out of an abandoned insane asylum in one week. While abandoned asylums are all the rage on your TV ghost adventures and stuff, back in the day, s9 asylum would have been considered real fresh. one of the more exciting things I did during my Wasted Youth was to sort of explore an abandoned asylum one night. indeed a scary setting.

heh. but what I liked even more was the Real Life Working Men concept of these Blue Collar Guys just Working for a Living. Contractors making Bids to Do A Job. Stuff Working Class Men used to do before they had to go to college to make a working class living. stuff elite college kids have no idea exists. REALLY liked the character whose Father was a Big Lawyer, and the son himself went to Law School on “THE ONE YEAR PLAN” then dropped out and became a failure and a disappointment and now he works here. Or this other guy that talks about everybody needs an “EXIT PLAN” because they don’t want to be working this crap job the rest of their lives. That one guy doesn’t read book JUST FOR FUN, going back to law school and become a Successful Lawyer is HIS Exit Plan. but why did he leave law school? how’s he gonna get back INTO law school?
(and there is a whole community of disgruntled Law Students out there, who probably have the Worst Student Debt of Any Student, like 500k to everyone elses 50k, and they can’t get a job as a paralegal. Do NOT go to LAW SCHOOL unless you go to a GOOD one and REALLY know how to Network. Although many lawyers are extraverted normalfags)

But these questions are not too important to the movie, rather, I liked that the movie included Multidimensional Characters like that. Not expecting.

Just the idea of the man owning his own cleaning company, he’s getting stressed out cuz now he has a new baby to take care of, and so he begins lowballing bids where he hadn’t before, just because he needs jobs. and here they do a lowball bid and have to work themselves ragged to finish the job in one week for a Sweeeeet $10 grand bonus (presumably split 5 ways?), when before it was estimated it would take 2 or 3 weeks.

So you figure they need to work 16 hour days at LEAST, heheheh. Which they did not seem to do. But yeah it is as much a Working Job Movie as an Abandoned Asylum Movie.

Not bad, not bad. Just didn’t really bring the horror. One scary scene, maybe two. ANNNDDD the ending was a little weird. It threatened to jump the shark but didn’t REALLY jump the shark. Which is ALL GOOD, since most movies you can pinpoint the moment the shark is officially jumped, and it’s usually before halfway through.

So, not bad. Not ragingly awesome though. It could have been, had it been scarier and maybe a different 5th act. Worth Watching Once(tm)!

FEEL TOO HOPELESS TO THINK STRAIGHT

tues 7 16

july 15 2013

722pm

lemme just say this: when you are an angry neet failure underemployed loser who hates everything and has no motivation, it’s REAL DIFFICULT to THINK CLEARLY. It is as if your hatred and anger are Stealing Energy from your Brain, leaving your Brain tired to do serious Mind Work. Math Problems are HARDER. Finding solutions to Problems is HARDER. Judgement is IMPAIRED. You make stupid MISTAKES. You LOOK Stupid, which adds even MOAR Frustration, because you know you aren’t stupid. Or not as stupid as you look at least! You know buried in there is a High Intellect, I mean look, you scored real high on ACTs and SATs and got A’s in some Hard College Classes, so you can’t be a total moron. But now you can’t look at a Schoolbook without saying “F00K THIS SH1T!” or you put off your Math Assignments because Thinking About Stuff Where You Actually have to do Mental Work to solve Hard Problems is REALLLLLLY HARD and REALLLLLLLY Frustrating and gets you REALLLLLLY Angry and Hateful and saying “F00K SKOOL! SKOOL IS FOR F$GG)TS!”

But that if you were chill and calm like a normalfag, you know you could be a Serious Intellectual if you could just get enjoyment out of the pursuits of the Mind: reading books, LEARNING, Thrist For Knowledge, Curiousity About The World, Intellectual Curiosity, etc. But you stopped having that as soon as you entered skool. Well, it’s hard to say when it disappeared. Age 5? 18? 21? 22? 25? you just know that you don’t have it any more, and you wished you did, because it would make Staying Motivated In Skool a lot easier.

But when you look at a homework and say O GOD How Many Flashcards Am I Gonna Have To Make here; or when you find it harder to UNDERSTAND and LEARN things because your MIND is so CONSUMED with Hate and Anger and Fear and Bitterness and Butthurt and Feels and Tired…..yep that’s frustrating. then you wonder if you were ever really smart at all.

TLDR: It is INFURIATING to KNOW that you are SMART enough to do Big Things, but you just can’t CONCENTRATE or shake off your Terrible Attitude to complete any Serious Tasks. You get angry, give up, procrastinate, make really stupid mistakes.

I guess the Relevant Tip here is: Don’t Be Such A Perfectionist, go ahead and MAKE Stupid Mistakes, just don’t give up on the task. Turn It In / Deliver It with the stupid mistakes. And then if your superior / boss / teacher / master scolds you for stupid mistakes, use that chance to explain you’re not really that STUPID, you just have a lot on your mind right now. And if they fire you, well then you’ll have a right to sulk and complain and mope for a while, and you’ll still be smart.

Smart can’t be taken away from you, it can just FEEL like it sometimes, when you’re too Angry or Hopeless to THINK STRAIGHT. To even THINK at all. God Almighty that’s frustrating, and a vicious cycle.

music break

“Playing in the Band”, Grateful Dead, Europe 72. There’s the Europe 72 Double Album, and I believe the Europe 72 Box Set with EVERY SHOW they played on that tour, like 20 shows; then there’s “Steppin Out With The Grateful Dead” which I THINK is a condensed/compilation version of the England shows on Europe 72. “Steppin Out” was a Big Personal Dead album for me, even though Professional Deadheads would prob just regard it as 3 or 4 out of 5, I think it’s a 4.5 at least. Ridiculously fantastic recording quality. Especially the drums. If every live recording sounded like this, this would be great. Disc 1 alone is jam packed with wonderful tunes: Cold Rain & Snow, Sugaree, Deal, Playin in the Band, China Cat Sunflower, any and all of which are GUARANTEED to lift your mood, help you RISE ABOVE, maybe even focus your SMART MIND to Solve Intellectual Problems with Less Anger!

TLDR: Try out “Europe 72” or Especially “Steppin Out.” Great sound, great shows, great hook into the GD. heh. can you tell I’ve been in a big Phase lately? Maybe it’s a Summer thing.

(Note: Do NOT Abuse DRUGS like they did.)

heh. this blog is kinda becoming my own Daily Log of me Struggling Towards Bare Minimum “Success.”

God Damn. had ANOTHER dream about Girl 7. Second dream in 4 days, when before, no dreams of her in months, barely any dreams at all. THANKFULLY, this dream was brief and fuzzy and not too horrific. The TLDR of this dream was that she was expressing dissatisfaction with Her Successful Job. Which was kinda surprising. However she was showing, or claiming to show, great inner fortitude: “They’re trying to break me, but I’m not gonna.” Probably relates to how I both admired and was bitterly envious of her Good Work Ethic, Good Attitude towards College, and reaping what she sowed, with a Good Career starting at a Young Age. No Detours, No Setbacks, no Years Wasted. Well on the way to becoming a Top Tier Winner. Because it wasn’t just me being in True LOVE with her. There was also this Winner vs Loser dynamic.

still gotta see the college counselor. the academic advisor.

But today I am gonna drop off my Packet for this Job I’ve been trying at.  It includes:

1 page resume, 1 page cover letter, 1 page reference letter from Real Nice Person (I gave them a Thank You Note!), 4 page Original PDF Application with post it note saying “Please see additional sheets for ALL Application Information”, then 6 pages of the Word Document I made containing the Application INformation because I didn’t want to Hand Print the stuff. About 8 hours to prepare all that stuff. Seems a little excessive for a Part-Time Job, No? Well that’s just how Tuff Times are, SON. If you’re not willing to do all that for a Part Time Job, YOU DON’T DESERVE A JOB. YOU DESERVE TO DIE A VIRGIN IN THE GUTTER. Hahahahaha. JK. Yeah in our parents generation you could find a Full Time Job in a DAY without even TRYING. But Times Have Changed.

So naturally, new worries always arise. I think, well what if I ACTUALLY got this job BUT there was a scheduling conflict with my Current Job, and the New job basically said, you gotta quit your other job….which I don’t want to do, however I would HAVE to, because the new job pays A LOT, LOT, LOT better, that it’s a Totes No Brainer.  Just complaining that it would Obviously SUCK to be Forced to give up my other job because that’s a little money at least. Also if you’re not working 40 hours at least, YOU DESERVE TO DIE A VIRGIN IN THE GUTTER. Hahaha, JK. But yeah 40 hours is the MAGIC NUMBER where if you admit to working less than 40 hours, all of the sudden you’re an Inferior Human Being to everyone: your family, your friends, men, women, potential employers, potential friends, potential mates, yourself.  It’s All About That Magic Number of 40 Hours. You work 39 Hours, you deserve to die a wizard neet virgin loser in the gutter. And that 1 hour magically transforms you into the bare minimum of respectability.

See the Cognitive Distortion there? Which leads to the Emotional Distortion. Thanks Dr David D Burns.

DREAMS OF LONG GONE LUV; BECOME STUDY BUDDIES WITH SMARTEST KID IN CLASS

sun july 14 2013

wow. just forced myself to write a new cover letter from scratch. The posting had Three “Desired Qualifications”, ie, things that will make you Seriously Callbackable, so I addressed each one of those specifically. THEN said I bring a certain je ne sais qua because I am that awesome. I am the most perfect candidate for the job over all the MIT gradz. Who, obviously, are too good for this job.

* but the main thing I wanted to write about today was a DREAM I had about the most recent Girl, Girl 7. I had my Official Rejection from Girl 7 in early October 2012, and swore it would take No Less Than Nine Months to Get Over Her. Well, that was just about right. Although maybe a YEAR would be even better. I certainly haven’t developed FEEEEEELINGS towards any other women, well, other than than HNNNNGGGGGG feeling I occasionally get for Young Prime Of Youth Girls!

In the dream I was meeting her out of the blue, a surprise chance meeting somewhere public. I tried to be pleasant and polite and charming and alpha, but I was still In Luv with her, still Butthurt about being rejected, trying not to show it. Adding to the Butthurt was that she was much more Successful than I. Now in real life, this is the case. She was a motivated, engaged, high-achieving student in a program that guarantees a Good Job for at least the Top 20% of Achievers in that program, which she certainly was. Good Lower Middle Class job at the Bachelors Degree Level. (Health Care field, won’t say more than that!) She was young, she clearly did everything right, and thus she reaped what she sowed. Got what she deserved. A Good Job immediately after doing Well and working hard in a Useful Degree.

So that adds to My Butthurt. That she was str8 up the kind of Hard Working Person and Good Student I always wanted to be, but I hate skool too much to do so. Plus I feeeeel way too old.  Anyway when I was her age and in skool I hated skool too much, then starting smoking too much w33d, not Overachieving, and performance slipping, hating everything. I didn’t just want HER, but I wanted her Healthy Mind, where she didn’t hate skool, and she did the right thing re skool, and now has a nice little lower middle class life, job security, making decent money at a young age, good stable respectable job right out of college, might go back for masters degree later, but doesn’t even really HAVE to!

The dream I pretty much already explained. I met her randomly, we talked, I was immediately feeling butthurt, and trying and failing to hide it, being all omega about her winning in life, me losing in life, and her rejecting me.

THANKFULLY that was about it, nothing extreme, no her getting Gangbanged in front of me. Dream ended pretty quickly. I USED to have TONS of VERY vivid dreams, even just like a year ago; now, hardly anything.

The point is, No Contact is Necessary. If I WERE to Real Life See Her again, that would be Ripping Open a Gaping Wound and the past 9 months would be Flushed Down The Crapper. Because when True Luv is THAT Real, it isn’t some fleeting thing that goes away in a few weeks or a few months. It’s FO LIFE. That’s when you KNOW it’s REAL. Thus, I must keep No Contact with her, FO LIFE.

Normalfags think this is creepy, omega, weird, obsessive, stalkery, scary, whatever. This Is What I Think True Love Is. You Go Literally CRAZY for the person. It is stronger than ANYTHING you’ve ever felt before. The idea of MARRYING them sounds GOOD. CRAZY In Luv.

So her, I totally wanted to Monogamously Date. Started as Infatuation, then the Infatuation LASTED months and months and months as I got to know her better. My mistake of course was obviously Taking Too Long, but I had an ok reason for that, which I won’t mention here. As soon as that reason disappeared, I more blatantly tried to Escalate, because I had already waited too long and couldn’t take it anymore, and needed some kind of answer, and boy did I get it!

Heh. At least I didn’t get FRIENDZONED, hahahaha.

TLDR: that dream sucked because it brought her back up after many months, but it didn’t suck as bad as it could have, and usually dreams only affect you only one day after you have them, so things will be fine starting tomorrow.

But yeah you know you were in LOVE with somebody when you have a DREAM about them 9 months after not seeing them. So continue not seeing them. No Contact is simply The Best Thing There Is. God Damn, I would be an even BIGGER loser if I were not in No Contact with her. Could you imagine. Me looking at her FACEBOOK for the next 10 YEARS, watching her Update her Career and her Relationships! I have a Fake Facebook that I use just to Log In to facebook, and I would use it just to look at her profile picture regularly; she was smart enough not to make anything else public. I couldn’t even imagine being REALLY on Facebook and having her as my Friend where I could actually SEE all those soul-crushing details!

Don’t NEED TO KNOW!

QUIT FACEBOOK.

* Also, if you can go to an ALL-MALE COLLEGE, DO IT. hahaha not too many of those. But you do NOT want to be DISTRACTED by the thought of WOMEN during your Make It Or Break It College Years. All it takes it One Wrong Woman and you will go CRAZY and flush your whole LIFE down the toilet, and you can’t even rightfully BLAME it on her, because it’s YOUR OWN fault to overreact so much…..but that doesn’t get your life back out of the toilet and your College Years Unruined!

* So they don’t have Tutors for the Hardest Classes, where you’d actually need the tutors the most. So whaddya do?

* BECOME STUDY BUDDIES WITH THE SMARTEST KID IN CLASS. Use HIM as your tutor. There’s always one kid who knows everything, has the highest grade, always answering questions, always studying, you know right away he’s gonna Succeed In Life. Real Good Work Ethic. So you GLOM ONTO HIM. Be like Hey Buddy Can I Go With You To The Library and we can study, No Homo? There you can do homework and study for tests and learn from him, emulate his habits, ask him questions about what led him to this point and what he’s gonna do in the future, and you can become his clone. More on that later. GREAT Idea. It doesn’t matter that there’s no tutor, you can Make Your Own Tutor with Smart Study Buddy!

SHODDY WORK IS BETTER THAN NO WORK AT ALL

sat july 13 2013

153 Furthur Official Soundboard recordings. I like Soundboards better than Audience Recordings. Typically better Sound, hahaha.

http://archive.org/search.php?query=creator%3A%22Furthur%22%20AND%20%28subject%3A%22Soundboard%22%29

It doesn’t bother me that this John Kadlecik is a “Jerry Garcia Soundalike.” It doesn’t bother me that Bob Weir is a member of the BILDERBERG GROUP, hahaha, and the Grateful Dead were USED by TAVISTOCK to turn the best minds of that generation to MUSH, so that the PLUTOCRAT BANKSTERS could fully destroy and enslave us a generation later. heh, heh. heh. Actually that part might bother me.

Doesn’t bother me that Kreutzmann/Hart are not in the band, though I guess it would probably be better if they were. And maybe I’m wrong that a 70 year old Drummer can’t keep up.

Note: Sunshine Garcia Becker is NOT related to Jerry Garcia in any way.

ANYWAY. NOT a music blog. But those Furthur recordings WILL lift your Bad Mood and make you more productive on your Job Applications.

* Probably the most beautiful day of the year so far, AND had the day off. Since I am obsessed about getting SUN, and today was the PERFECT day to do it, and I’m CONVINCED that you get better sun EARLY the afternoon (before 5 o clock) than you do LATER in the afternoon, and how often do you get the chance to get Tons O Sun before 5 pm? Like twice a year! if you don’t go to the BEACH on a day like this, you have to spend at LEAST an HOUR outside, wearing your Muscleshirt, so as to get Sun on your Pasty White Fatceps!

* Think of it as MEdicine! As a PAYCHECK! As a GIFT! Something good you’re getting!

* I guess if you risk getting a Sunburn, then use sunblock. But most of us are the ANTITHESIS of Sunburnt. It would be NICE to get some COLOR on our Pasty White Bodies, but it seems like there’s not enough SUN to do that! So the 2 days of the year when the sun is shining bright, make the most of it, don’t waste it, and spend at LEAST an HOUR out there!

(I went for a brisk One Hour Powerwalk. I usually do 30 minutes a day but today HAD to do one hour.)

(And I’m so out of shape this is considered EXERCISE for me! But it’s OBVIOUSLY better than sitting inside Neckbearding like A Man does All Winter!)

* I guess if My Morning Jacket is more your style of Good Feels Jam Band, then go ahead and listen to them, they’re not horrible. It was always Grateful Dead for me, though.

* It’s better to do a SHODDY JOB than NO JOB! Better to turn in a BAD ResCLApp than turn in NO ResCLApp! It’s better to have a Bombed, Failed, Spaghetti Pockets Interview than NO Interview! It’s better to turn in a piece of crap than to turn in NOTHING! See, this is due to our PERFECTIONISM leading to our PROCRASTINATION. PROCRASTINATION is caused by PERFECTIONISM, so break yourself of that habit by getting in the habit of doing IMPERFECT things!

* So Practice doing IMPERFECT things but doing them on time or early.

* And Chances are, because you’re a perfectionist, your version of imperfect will STILL be Above Average, it’ll be bretty good, it won’t be a piece of crap, in other words.

* for example, I am procrastinating even on writing a brief thank you note because I am thinking I got to write it out beforehand on the computer and then copy it from the computer by hand, because I don’t trust myself to write it straight out on the card without having to scratch out stuff and have it look like crap. Well, perhaps I should trust myself more, and just write it directly onto the card, and not CARE so much if it looks or sounds like a kindergartner wrote it! Because a thank you note from a kindergartner is 90000000 times better than NO thank you note at all!!!

* ahhh yes “reason for leaving.” or “have you ever been told to resign.” I’m no attorney, I’ve never seen an Official Background Check, I’ve never had to Manage Human Resources Records so if someone called me and asked to verify the employment of somebody who worked there 10 years ago I would have to give them to my manager.

sun 7 14

ok did i mention it took at least 4 hours to do one application, and that is not even counting the cover letter, hahahaha. I am taking a chance here because what I did was, instead of filling out the app by hand, I copied and pasted all the fields into a Word Doc (uneditable PDF) and then typed all the information nice and neat. My only fear is that this might not be “official”, so into the trash it goes. Besides it asks for signature twice. So I am gonna turn in the actual application, with the typed up application attached, and signatures on both. Turn one Packet into the person listed, and also email them the stuff. But I’m honestly surprised this organization does not have a more “Streamlined” Internet-Based Application System, not that those are much better.

* the more people you can get to help you, the more successful you will be.

* if you fail at life because you blew off school and work to go WORK OUT or EXERCISE, well, that’s not too bad, because Exercise is Healthy and Good For You. Better to be a Healthy Loser than an Unhealthy Loser, because being in good Health will help you be a winner! In other words, You’re never too Busy to go Exercise! Just Blow off your Reading and Studying and Tasks and Responsibilities and Job Search and Go For A Nice Walk!

* Heh. They should have CLASSES to help Losers Like Us Solve our “depression” and Loserness. If you have to take like 130 credits of Grueling, Superhard Classes just to get an Upper Working Class Job, JUST IMAGINE: If you had 4 hours of class every week, with readings and homework and tests, for like 12 or 16 weeks, on How To Stop Being A Lazy Loser!

* I predict you could CURE Morally Lazy Loserness for a lot of people, given the time and energy of ONE College Class. Heh. And it’s LUDICROUS people spend so much time and energy for their College Classes, but they DON’T EVEN DO 1% of that towards Fixing Themselves! Well, that’s what I am here for!

MOVIE POST: LYNNE RAMSAY, TARKOVSKY, TARR

sat july 13

this will be a movie review post. heh. i should start a movie blog….but that is too many expectations.

“We Have To Talk About Kevin” dir: Lynne Ramsay

starring Tilda Swinton, John C Reilly, and this boy Ezra Miller from “Perks of being a wallflower.” It was ok but not as good as I wanted it to be. Seemed tryhard with the artsiness, but at least it was not overly long or boring. Then I watched the extras and they made me think I liked the movie more than I did. Lynne Ramsay / Ramsey is a Scottish Female director who did the Critically Acclaimed films “Ratcatcher” and Morvern something. Had never heard of her, I usually like to keep up on Hot Artsy Directors. She seemed nice, but her accent was so thick I could not understand what she was saying! Everyone went into this film with the best of intentions and integrity, but I didn’t really love the movie. despite the good story and performances. story of a boy and his mother who never really Connect in that Maternal Way, and kid turns into a Sociopath who commits a Horrific School Murder Massacre. Whose fault is it? Nature or Nurture? The mom is a B, but I think the kid is an even bigger B, so she can’t be held more than 40% responsible.  Ehh 6/10 OK. good not great.

Solaris” by Andrei TARKOVSKY

Andrei Tarkovsky
Andrei Tarkovsky (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well this one is a long time coming. I have always respected Tarkovsky, for years, but the experience of actually sitting down and watching his movies has never been an easy one. I first started watching him during my Drinking Years. You should NOT Drink Alcohol while watching Tarkovsky. Maybe drink Coffee. or do something to get yourself totally immersed in the film. See it on  big screen if you can. Of course that would imply you are a Successful Nonvirgin Employed Masters Degree Person living in NEW YORK with a Masters Degree JOB, which you are not!

Anyway all his work is obviously Thoughtful and Beautiful to watch, but if you let your mind wander too much, you’re done. Now I have not Drunk Alcohol in YEARS, AND I have gotten used to the even MORE Tarkovskian style of Bela Tarr lately, so I figured it was time to go back to The Man Himself.  Tarr uses TEN minute takes, and everyone freaks out about Tarkovsky using THREE minute takes. If you can take Tarr, you are WELL prepared for Tarkovsky!

Nonetheless, I didn’t want to let my mind wander. The idea of “sculpting in time” is experiencing the “action” in real time and really being able to meditate on it all. very zen. but MY problem is, I get distracted and don’t think of the characters, I think about all the cover letters, internships, interviews, skool, studying, exercise, stuff I need to do, and forget about the film right in front of me.

So I started watching Solaris with the Commentary on. Criterion collection, commentary from two film PhDs. A woman with a vaguely slavic accent and a Man with a Irish or Scottish accent. Both very academic, sounded like they were reading from the academic book they wrote on Tarkovsky. Fine. I guess I could have turned it off after an hour but I got into it. It was nice to have the Handholding of Experts. However they talk almost the entire time, so you hear not much of the dialogue (there was more of that than I expected!) and also it probably cuts into the Meditative aspect. However it also clarifies what is going on and helps you Get Into Tarkovsky.

Nonetheless this watching-with-commentary approach might work better to the even more “DIFFICULT” Tarkovsky films….like Andrei Rublev, Mirror, Sacrifice, ie, Most of Them, ie, Solaris might be The Easiest.

But while Tarkovsky is Difficult, you KNOW there’s something good going on there. You do need to be in the right mood to grasp it though. I would like to watch “Nostalgia” (not avail on netflix!) or Mirror or Sacrifice next. I mean Stalker. Stalker is def next.

“Satantango” Disc 1 by Bela Tarr

Deutsch: Bela Tarr stellt auf dem Sarajevo Fil...
Deutsch: Bela Tarr stellt auf dem Sarajevo Film Festival seinen Film “The Man from London” vor. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This was the one I was REAL excited about. I had already seen Werckmeister Harmonies and Damnation and sorta knew what to expect. The Facets DVD collection of The Films Of Bela Tarr have NO commentary. Otherwise I might have watched it with commentary like Solaris. But I braced myself for a long, plodding, slow film that probably wouldn’t make much sense. Well, it was long, slow, plodding, but it made a lot more sense than I expected, and it was probably the most Interesting and “Easiest” of the Tarr films I’ve seen so far. IMHO maybe ALL of Tarr’s films should be SEVEN HOURS. (and Seven Hours really isn’t LONG if you think of it as a Series or Miniseries!)

It makes sense that a guy who does Ten Minute takes would be best served by a Seven Hour Film. To really let his characters and settings live and breathe.  So paradoxically, I was less bored in the 2 hours and 10 minutes of disc 1, that I was during the 2 hours and 10 minutes of “Damnation.”  (I liked Werckmeister better than “Damnation”, and even Werckm was kinda boring!) In short, Satantango is shaping up to be My Favourite Tarr. Despite of, or maybe BECAUSE OF, its extreme length. Tarr is saying all bets are off, I’m gonna be me the best way I know how!

Plus I really like the setting, of a bunch of lazy, melancholy LOSERS living on a bleak ass farm. This film actually came later in Tarr’s career, so it seems he had time to perfect his style. Damnation was like late 80s, Werck was early 90s….or was it…actually I think werck was early 2000s. Satan was def 1994ish. Hmm. OK fine.

ANYWAY. Don’t give up on Tarr until you’ve seen SATANTANGO. This probably is his Defining Artistic Statement. I’m not looking forward to the Cat Abuse that happens on Disc 2 however.

But all the characters are endearing or at least memorable in their own ways however. you have the star from “Damnation” playing the “cripple” Futaki, and I like him. Great face, great actor. There is also “The Doctor”, a larger man who does nothing but sit in his chair all day, spying on the neighbors, filling up 10000000 little notebooks on his thoughts about them, and he drinks Fruit Brandy and Smokes Cigarettes ALL DAY, drinking himself into a stupor and passes out right there in the chair and tries never to leave the house. Until he runs out of his HUGE Jug of Fruit Brandy and his Shopping Lady quits and he has to get his booze for himself. All Yall NEET Shutins will probably like this guy. Especially if you’ve ever had a Drinking Problem. Both funny and sad.

So yeah. Seven hours is a better Fit for Tarr’s style of Storytelling than 2 hours. All of Tarr’s movies should be Seven Hours. Sh1t, now I want to make an EIGHT hour movie.

I Think Tarr officially recommended that you TAKE THE DAY OFF WORK and watch this movie ALL AT ONCE. That was hilarious. Um if you have this luxury and can attempt this, maybe drinking Coffee blended with Cannabis Butter, give it a try. But I am happy to watch one disc at a time.

Sh1t between this and “Solaris”, I was breaking the movies up into parts. My new thing for watching movies is watching them in 30-60 minute sittings. Makes them less boring, heh. If the movie is halfway decent then I can stomach it for about an hour, and both Solaris and Satantango I did watch for portions of even more than an hour.

ATM, even though Tarkovsky is PROB a more “important artist” than Tarr, I think Tarr is no chopped liver, we should be thankful he’s still alive, he’s def my Hot Discovery of 2013, and Satantango might even win my Film Of The Year 2013 award. Right film at the right time. Check it out!