HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY

may 15

sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeit. have interview with post office people tomorrow. they say bring the social security card. so weird to have interview tehnically after a drug test and ss card. i thought drug test and ss card means you got the job. also I thought all jobs do 14 interviews. but i guess that costs too much.

just know that everything is done to cut costs….but at the ground level, you will see how these top-down changes are incompetent, and will end up costing more money. so you will say i thought these k1kes wanted to SAVE money. they do. they are just incompetent at it. so when this plan backfires, as it is already doing, they will just have to lay people off to really save money. like you hahahaha.

makes you want to get an mba so you be one of those k1ke managers hahahaha.

and they dont even all have mba’s!!!!!!!!!!! the director of your department does not have an mba!!!!!!!

the only place for non top tier mba’s in your company, is at level 1, answering phones like you hahaha. thats what an mba at capella online u gets you. same job as 20 year old community college dropouts hahahahaha.

heh. i like when you see the same jobs posted again like 1 or 2 months later, and you applied the first time, and nothing happened. its maybe a shitty job with high turnover so that they are always hiring people, and will hire anyone with a pulse…..but they still didnt invite you to take a pre interview assessment test hahaha.

and women dont get the slightest bit nervous when new men stick their new dicks up their baby maker. with a big new strange sweaty man pressing his sweaty hairy stinky body against them, yet they dont know a damn thing about him. a week ago you had no idea who this guy is. now you’re willfully letting him do this….very willingly. you LOVE it! what can you say about someone who LOVES degeneracy?

i dont mind peopel touching me……..if i know them! if I dont know them, then yes I do mind!

i just want to find a woman who feels the same way. and doesnt let everybody Touch her in this very Special Way.

i mean, two naked bodies pressed against each other, genitals inside of genitals, it boggles my mind how ANYONE could NOT think this is inherently intimate!!!!!!! yes so many people just dont care! its as intimate as a handshake!

how fooked up are YOU to think that the life creation process with naked bodies pressed together and genitals inside of genitals is no more intimate than a mere handshake?

how can ANYONE think that way?

why are most women like this?

well, j00s of course hahahaha. creating a mainstream culture where sex is nothign but sexy fun. but more importantly, how can I find a woman who isnt like this?

i think i might be exagerating again. a classic cognitive distortion used by despairers, which convinces themselves that things are worse than they actually are.  you convince yourself that things are abjectly horrible. absolutely disgusting. absolutely degenerate. when theyre just a LITTLE degenerate. you see that and run with it. take the ball and rush for 99 yards, to use a football metaphor hahaha.

so in other words, all women arent really THAT bad.

heck even SHE is not that bad.

i am just very emotional because of the grief and the way she dumped me. and then i get very emotional. but even she isnt that bad, treating sex as casually as a handshake.

my distorted mind has a tendency to exagerate, especially on horrible things.

so….i had terrible judgment then. how am i supposed to make good decisions? when good decisions are the foundation of a good life. you need to make good decisions all day long at your grueling job. jobs are 10 hours a day of making tough decisions. correctly.

i think the technical name for that distorion is overgeneralizing, mixed with Magnifying. that is my thing. taking the worst element, and saying that represents the whole category. so, think of the top 1% worst sluttiness women are capable of, and then say 100% of women are like that.

say 100% of women are as bad as the worst 1% of women.

or blacks, or j00s, or muslims hahahahahaha.

anyway. if your thought processes are so screwed up that you have made yourself an emotional basket case….how are you supposed to make the good decisions you need to make to be able to Hold Down A Job?

well when it comes to doing problems and such, i can get a high gpa in skool, get a’s in classes, and actually get good quality marks on muh job scorecard. I just do horribly with women. and to be fair, that’s at least halfway on them and not just me.

i was willing to handle things well, but they werent hahaha.

well that being said, i was not perfect either.

ok the other day while at fatclub i listened to the first 2 nile albums in a row basically. tried to visualize big fat jolly karl sanders. it helped but even back then the drums were too clicky and i just wanted to stop them and say AYO HOL UP guyz. you dont need to cram a new riff in here. its OK to have a NORMAL part in your songs. you should have MOAR NORMAL parts. i am SURE this stuff is fun as hell to PLAY, but it takes too much EFFORT to listen to.  your best songs are the ones that are actual songs instead of a dumptruck full of crazy riffs piled on top of each other. i appreciate that you are not sloppy at all…..but why should you be sloppy? its a conscious choice to make ridiculously technical, fast music. 300 bpm riffs in weird 5, 7, 9, 13 time. jagged changes everywhere. you just cant tell whats going on. need a more song-oriented approach like “festivals of atonement.” SONG ORIENTED not dumptrucks of crazy technical riff oriented. we arent talking catchy riffs here. well ok there are a few catchy riffs. there needs to be moar though. you can still have extreme parts. i appreciate extreme parts. no one luves fast blast beats moar than i.

like there is a big difference between dave brubeck doing things in weird times like 5 or 9 or whatever the fook. they are still catchy. the stuff is catchy and you dont realize the time signature is even “weird.”

is this why i “GAVE UP ON” nile? I let ol uncle karl down???????

well uncle karl is gonna continue having a great time playing incomprehensible riffs whether or not I am listening hahaha. I would like him to try to write like a straightforward metal album like iron maiden or something. write normal songs and normal riffs. you can still have an egyptian flavor and have some weird parts. just a better balance of extreme stuff to normal stuff.

but he is a very likable guy, I will never deny that.

also I would like their albums to be closer to 30 minutes than 60 minutes. short albums are best albums.

can we get a combination of nile with type o negative hahahaha.

once upon a time, I sought a combination of burzum and tom waits. oh how very ECLECTIC.  like a real portland hipster f4ggot.

oh sheeeeit managed to apply for 3 jobs on a sunday without even thinking about it. i have reached THAT level and I am very happy and grateful that I have. 2 for a large well known electronic company that has a division in the neighborhood, 1 for the county. the elctronics company is the one that reposted many positions and completely ignored me from about 6 weeks ago.

yeah i am convinced that, as degenerate as MJ is, it would help me get through this stage of PROLONGED GRIEF. I mean its not like I’ve AVOIDED it. its like chronic pain that serves no purpose any more but to cause me pain. i’ve learned all I could from it, and now I just want it to end, but its not ending.

always have some cash on you that you could use to buy MJ from somebody hahaha. be like hay heres $20, think you can get me something Indica like northern lights or afghan kush next time you go to the dispensary? its gotta be indica tho. I know it’s confusing but just trust me, I’m an expert. a Subject Matter Expert hahaha.

McGill University. “Cannabis: Potent Anti-depressant In Low Doses, Worsens Depression At High Doses.” ScienceDaily. ScienceDaily, 24 October 2007. <www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/10/071023183937.htm>.

that feel when you read breakup articles on psych today then find that you are the same age as the phd author, and you went to college with them, and they became a successful phd from stanford, and are now a postdoc researcher and writing Luv Advice PhD blogs on psych today dot com hahahahaha. am I allowed to say if this gurl was a huge slut or not? probably not allowed to say. I will say she was smokin hot in her undergrad days. i never really talked to her. maybe I felt she was out of my league. also she was a J. at that time I had a huge J fetish and wanted to bone her hard. I dont think I ever talked to her.

well nice to see she is very successful and now advising people on relationships with her phd hahaha. it would have been nice to bang her hot young body tho. in her small photo she just looks like an average attractive 30 year career professional woman. when she was 20 she was smokin hawt hahaha. well. as much as i hate saying that about a J. she didnt look super J’ish tho.

anyway its just funny now. 5 years ago I would have CARED more and gotten more BUTTHURT about it, like I COULDA BEEN A PHD TOO!!!!!!!! I COULDA BEEN A CONTENDER!!!!! i am just as smart as Jooish Wimmin but they are getting PHDs and outperforming the hell out of me because I am a lazy loser bla bla bla.

now Im just like I dont care. I dont want anything to do with marxist Jooz and middle class phds. she is probably very good at breaking her boifranz balls, emasculating them like a preying mantis. theres no bitch worse than a j00ish bitch hahahahahaha.

although if she came to me and bent over and begged PLEASE FOOK ME IN THE ASS I would gladly oblige her!

of course I would do the same with THAT WOMAN too.

i could bitch about her having grief for people that she has lost, and 8, 10 years later, she is still mourning them to I might say an unhealthy degree. but I would never judge someone for that. I would say, its ok to miss this person, but 10 years? really? how about you talk to me and i will be your shrink. death is just a part of life baby and they are in a better place, and they would want you to move on with your life, take the help I’m offerng you hahaha.

i wouldnt say, thats weird, youre weird for not getting over this, I’m dumping you.

because I totally understand how it can take Too Long to get over someone. how Grief can last Too Long.

thing is, she doesnt DESERVE this grief. its not like she died tragically, at a time when we both Luved each other.

anyway, she was very important to me, so she leaves a VOID, so I GRIEVE heavily. so I have to fill that void somehow until the pain fades away in a few years. I have been trying to fill it with Exercise and writing, and that helps, but I still need moar. its not enough. and I think MJ would be another helpful tool. thats all. MJ, exercise, and writing. And ideally Working.

so yeah. when grief is lasting too long, try to fill the void with: copious exercise, MJ, work, and hopefully you have some good friends that you can spend some real quality time with.

these stupid stoners. i mean they have 3 or more different groups with 3 different petitions. if they just had 1 petition, and 1 group behind it, then there would be no question of getting enough signatures. i think the biggest one will get enough signatures anyway, but the other groups should have backed out MONTHS ago and directed people to the one group. we can all agree that legal MJ is the goal. its not like who do you want for pres. its not like trump vs hillary.

but since im not an expert, i dont know the best practices. but these stupid stoners do. i fookin doubt it.

your shot in the dark is better than the expert’s best practices hahahaha.

fook experts. they were just in the right time at the right place. they played politics well enough to survive longer than a year.

but i guess you could learn great life skills like bullshitting and passing the buck from them.

well i am like the mechanic at the car shop i talked to recently:

HONESTY ISNT THE BEST POLICY, ITS THE ONLY POLICY.

i mean on the job, when you have to make serious decisions. little white lies are ok for the sake of kindness and politeness. but on the job, just tell people, i dont know, nobody knows, yeah that sucks, it is what it is. i dont know what to tell ya, and no you cant talk to my manager. i wish he WOULD talk to you, but he’s a dishonest coward hahahaha. you’re working with a company full of dishonest cowards who want to screw you. except me. I’m on your side. but I can’t help you. and my company sure as hell doesnt want to. my advice? find a better company. and if you do, call me and tell me about them so I can try to get a job there. this company SUCKS. they dont give a shit about you. they just want to take your money and run. they will not back it up with reliable, good service. they will leave you in the lurch just like a damn woman.

maybe my phd college classmate can write an article for psych today abotu why women are so unreliable and leave people in the LURCH so much. she’s a PHD in leaving people in the lurch im sure. well not her Faculty Advisers but the men in her life. OK now I am bordering on slander hahaha. I deleted the link to her article. do not want to DOX muh self! oy vey!!

but yeah its not unheard of that I will read a damn news article and run across the names of people I went to high achiever college with. some of which are now Senior Editors at stupid magazines that then might get quoted in larger magazines; or Senior Organizers with bla bla nonprofit; or blabla postdoc researcher phd at harvard authoring blabla study. i mean these people are ridiculously successful. I had no idea people could even BE this successful. i had to go to middle class j00niversity just to learn these levels of success even existed. phd at harvard basically.

no i did not go to harvard but the better performers from my school did phds at harvard or other ridic schools like stanford, yale, MIT. top skools. top kek hahahaha. kekekekekekek.

it took me a long time to get over all that status anxiety hahahaha. (de botton). you might think I still have it because I make butthurt jokes about it. but Im really not butthurt any more. about THAT. hahaha. I am plenty butthurt about other, more recent things.  i couldnt give a shit if some J00ish cvnt I vaguely knew over 10 years ago is a successful phd. who the fook reads psychology today anyway.  get in the NY Slimes bitch hahahaha otherwise no one cares. not only was all that obvious and unsurprisingly, it honestly just doesnt matter.

i’ll tell ya what does matter, is this huge void of grief in my life hahahaha. so its not FAIR that I fell in luv with her and ruined the friendship. FINE. its not FAIR she left me in such a mean way.

honestly there was very little she COULD do. i mean its not her responsibility to emotionally support me after dumping me. the dumper HELPING the dumpee through the dumping. nope. well i think they SHOULD, because they are the one causing you this pain, but we all know its just not POSSIBLE for them to support you, cuz you would just want to have them back. so the best they can do is say SORRY, and show some remorse for the pain they are causing you. it doesnt sound like a lot, but when you don’t get it, you see how much it matters.

ok have to do 1000 calkories at fatclub.

DO YOU REALLY WANT A WH0RE FOR THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN

may 14

was at fatclub yesterday and say beautiful 20 year old max white gurl wth nice long blond hair, not dyed or anything, and she was so cute, but she was wearing these pants that were so ridiculous tight, it was like she was wearing nothing at all. of course i was staring and gawking and ogling and thinking of her sitting on muh face. even though she was only 20 years old. maybe 19. i wouldnt just bang her, i would try to date her long term. hopefully she was nice rather than a huge bitch. but i was sad that her father hadnt instilled better values in her, to go out in public wearing clothes like that. she was wearing a big large t shirt….why cant they do they same with the pants???????

why am I complaining? I reap the benefits of being able to stare at her 20 year old ass! sure, most pornified degenerate men wont complain, but as a 1488 14 words man, I view women for what they really are: not porny sex objects, but as the mothers of our children.

do you really want a WHORE for the mother of your children?

just as women dont ask themselves obvious questions like, should I be wearing these tight pants, men don’t ask themselves obvious questions like this.

was watching ken burns jazz last night and it was pretty good. very watchable. dont know how accurate it was but I was glued to the tv. i bet the whole series is worth watching. i saw episode 8 or 9 which introduced monk, had the death of charlie parker.

parkers death was super pathetic and sad. he was in terrible health at 34 years of age. the doctor said he had the body of a 50-60 year old. so he used to do drugs, I think heroin, but then got off that, but then he was drinking heavily at the end of his life. he just keeled over and died one day at age 34, they said it was pneumonia and also some cirrhosis of the liver. he would wander around all night and appear disheveled and mad and crazy. i suspect he was bipolar and tried to “control” it with alcohol, which didnt help. and rather than go to a doctor, he just died in front of the tv. not sure how much he was drinking that night. heavy drinkers will over drink so much they start puking blood and will go to the hospital, where the dr says, you better stop drinking NOW, you have no liver left, you have the liver of a 90 year old man, if you keep drinking, you will die.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlie_Parker

yeah it was sad an pathetic. but i dont like that he was having children with a white woman, well really thats more her fault. an early mudshark.

i dunno. this could be a problem for me. i genuinely enjoy jazz and have for many years, but its almost inherently black and j00ish and degenerate. its not super popular wiht the 1488 crowd hahahahahaha.  yeah well i dont care, I will be the 1488 guy who likes jazz. it doesnt mean I support the degeneracy of many major jazz musicians. modern jazz quartet made a point of not being degenerate.  also, how degenerate was MONK. I agree with everyone, monk was amazing and I dont think he did mad drugs like parker, davis, coltrane.

jazz was sponsored by a rothschild hahahaha the baroness pannonice whatever. oy vey. not good. bad 1488er hahaha.

anyway i dont think monk was heavy into drugs, though he prob sm0ked some MJ. he was just crazy which was either autism or schizophrenia.

to all the jazz guys who had problems with heroin and alcohol, i wonder, why didnt they just sm0ke tons of MJ instead?????

dave brubeck was NOT J00ish. wow. this is the first time I have gotten a false positive on my Jdar. many J’s can pass as huhwhyte, but I’ve seen very few huhwhytes who I thought were J’ish. I fully assumed brubeck was a J but even J’ish News is saying that he was not one of them. but he was a philosemitic Mensch who was mentored by J’ish composers hahaha.

but brubeck did not seem like a hueg degenerate. and he was technically huhwhyte. might be the perfect jazz person for me as a 1488er hahaha.

hmm i did not realize miles davis died in 1991 at age 65 or so. I thought he died younger of drugs. well good for him for getting off drugs.

also brubeck became a CATHOLIC later in life after being an atheist. that is pretty good.

yeah really im more interested in musicians personal lives than the music they made. if i like their personal lives, then I might try listening to their music.

i mean i am interested in peoples personal lives in general: their relationships, their failures, their struggles, their insecurities, their doubts, their worries. them falling in luv, them getting heartbroken, how they get along with people, etc. who they really are. their  morals, how they treat people, if they are cowards or deadbeats, or if they are decent people. the drugs they take. are they a degenerate. this is the stuff that really matters to me. about anyone.

there is “cool jazz” which may have been started by miles davis on “birth of the cool” and became associated with the west coast. brubeck may have also been associated with this. it was much more laid back and chill than the bebop stuff. which I like, but I also like the laid back stuff. not to be confused with “smooth jazz” which sounds too overproduced and sterile and corny to me.

how does valentina hot sauce compare to the more popular cholula hot sauce….dont know. i cant remember what cholula tastes like. if its anything like franks red hot, no thank you. its not that its bad, its just overplayed.

coltrane also got off of heroin long before he died of cancer at age 50 or 60 something.

yes i know ken burns is a neocon “classicist” who is patronizing and hates blacks hahahahahahahaha so only naive rich white benevolent racists watch his documentaries of white privilege hahaha and nod their heads and say this is great, while true marxist revolutionary sjw’s curl their lip and say this is insulting and offensive and such a whitewashed history. he’s so tone deaf and inplicitly, systematically racist. he is on the wrong side of history. only uneducated white racists watch ken burns documentaries. dont even get me started on “the civil war” hahahaha.

i dont like ken burns either but daaaaamn he;s just not antiwhite enough for the 2010s.  peak shitlib.

waaaaah SHE wasnt a huge shitlib and was probably open to being redpilled by me waaaaaah

now she can get redpilled and Fooked Hard and Deep by a more manly red pill man.

was I UNFAIR to HER by falling in love with her? YES, OF COURSE. YES, OF COURSE I PUT HER in a hard spot. yes of course it was technically UNFAIR. it was UNFAIR but not necessarily Wrong or Bad. It was a good thing that happened at a bad time.

cannot seem to get below 148 pounds. keep jumping between 148 and 150 pounds. kind of frustating, especially since I have been technically ok with muh calories.

i just wish women were more nervous about secs. I mean, you CAN get pregnant from this. this IS how life is created. be a little more discerning and CAREFUL about when, how often, and to whom you Open Your Legs and Life Creator. RESPECT THE PROCESS hahahahahahahahahaha.

but seriously. RESPECT THE PROCESS.

you should be MORE nervous than the man.

and women think its WEIRD that I get nervous about secs. and they just say, its ONLY SECS, dont you have a lot of experience in casual secs like everyone else including me does?

I would like to be with someone long term enough where I can start to not be so nervous about the secs. but I am also nervous about them dumping me hhahahaha. cuz normally its shortly after we start getting “intimate” that they dump me. they being the two women I have ever gotten intimate with, over 10 years ago hahahaha. but believe me the normie women I see regularly seem even MOAR slutty than these women. you can just tell theyve been with too many guys hahaha. but not THAT woman. well, now she may be starting to become a slut. why would she go down that path? just choose me! dont choose a life of degeneracy! choose someone who cares about you, has your best interests in mind, is thinking about the long term, and who will support you….morally/ emotionally if not financially. because all women make more than i do hahahahaha. including her.

shit. i hate how i was so wrong, and i cant even trust my own mind or judgment anymore.

like Thirsty Lonely Omega Virgins like me tend to mistake friendliness from a woman, for Secsy Interest.

And Thirsty Lonely Virgins probably also mistake Normal Average Friendship for “close, intimate friendship”, because they are that lonely and desperate.

so she saw me as just an average friend, but I was so lonely and desperate I saw her as a GOOD friend.

well…. i didnt really mistake her friendliness as interest in me…..except when i was first becoming friends with her. I thought it was WEIRD she was being so friendly to me when she had a BF, so…..i tried not to get too close to her, and encouraged her to work things out with her BF.

see, thats where a Respectful Ending would come in handy. it would answer some important questions, like, how important of a friend was I to HER? higher importance or lower importance? was I WRONG in thinking she thought of me as a good/important/strong friend? or did she think of me as just a casual acquaintance the whole time? and I hate doubting my judgment on that.  was I just THAT lonely and desperate for any female attention? or did we actually have a mutually-recognized important friendship? From the way it ended, it’s impossible for me to know. but that COULD have been cleared up. Indeed I asked for clarification on that issue. didnt get it.

well, i think it WAS more than a casual acquaintance, and it WAS a serious deep important friendship to her, because she told me things she said she had never told anyone else. So I took that pretty seriously. As I should, I think. I appreciated being held in high trust like that. indeed I never betrayed it! but I worried she thought I betrayed it.

but yeah the point for today, 9 months after writing her the last email, is….how right or wrong was I about saying yeah she WAS a good friend and yeah we DID have an important, valuable friendship? OR WAS IT ALL IN MY HEAD??? I dont WANT it to be all in my head, because what ELSE am I wrong about?

so yeah, I think the rational conclusion is, dont get it twisted, it WAS an important friendship, and I was NOT wrong about that.

what are some things that look wrong to the untrained layman, but to the expert, everything is ok, and you have to convince the layman why thats not a bug, thats a feature, this thing is working as intended, you think its wrong because you have no sense of judgment and here’s why.

so we had to do that regularly in muh job and I hated doing it. because I was essentially a layman myself, and I didn’t understand why it was a feature and not a bug.

Wish I wrote down more examples, cuz then I could have more specific stories to tell in interviews.

but today I was in church and the choir/musicians, well there were it sounded like 2 guitar players and at least one of them was out of tune, and was also a really shitty player. sounded like they had been playing guitar less than 3 months. at best, it sounded like they had not practiced these songs at ALL.

and then I doubted my judgment. Maybe I’M WRONG, and this shit is actually GOOD. who am I to say he’s out of tune and out of rhythm? Am I an expert musician? how can I tell?

but then I thought, even the average layman nonmusician can tell when music is out of tune, or out of time, or sounds shitty and unrehearsed. it just sounds bad because it IS bad.

also I have “played” some sort of guitar for like 17 years so yes I AM kinda an expert.

and I used to get frustrated at how many people could not tell when they were BLATANTLY out of tune. like this guy. Guitars go out of tune easily, but it just takes 1 minute to put them back in tune.

A Best Practice before any musical performance is to make sure all the instruments are in tune, or at least in tune with each other. right? right? i’m no musical director tho……

so it depends on the thing I guess. music is much more obvious and straightforward than stupid software and systems. a layman can tell when a performer is out of tune. however a layman can’t tell when the program is or isn’t having a bug.

sure a layman can have an intuition that something sucks…….but his intuition is wrong.

i guess music is much more intuitive than Software User Experience hahahahaha.

but you are entitled to your opinion to say that Your User Experience sucks. doesnt mean the Developers need to listen to your Cost-Prohibitive Suggestions.

how does SHE deal with these situations? because these are the type of situations both me and her had to deal with. I have no idea. She wouldnt let me into that world. she wouldn’t let me into any of her worlds hahahaha. and even though we were now Just Work Friends, she wouldnt even talk to me about Work, and when I would ask her specific work questions she would just say idk lol. idk lol was her response to everything lol.

that was/is really fookin annoying. I’m trying to talk to you about serious shit and all you can say is idk lol ikr lol.

Is this just how 25 year old women are? it sounds more like a 16 year old gurl.

but I luved her because she hadnt taken as many cox as the average american 16 year old gurl who by age 16, has taken 16 cox or moar hahahaha.

took a half dose of nyquil. did not wait 3 days this time. only 2. oh well. still a lot better than 1 day.

ok. so MJ dispensaries are all cash only businesses because MJ is still federally illegal. but what stops dispensary owners from depositing that cash into regular banks. i mean does the bank demand proof of where that money came from?

does the revenue a business makes technically “flow through” the business owner and essentially become his personal income?

so there is this interesting side industry of i dunno private banks, where heavily armed security guards guard piles of cash made by dispensaries. ex military men with big guns. so what keeps them from stealing some of the money? how can the cash owner get ez access to his funds? what if the pseudobankers get robbed?

dunno. if a dispensary owner were contacting me for expert advice, i would say they are screwed. you want better explanation, pay 400 bucks an hour for an attorney. not 15 bucks an hour for me.

being a 21 year old virgin really is not all that weird.

but being a 25 year old virgin IS.

and being a 30 year old virgin is just incomprehensibly weird that you can’t even admit to it without getting extremely shamed as a monster and huge weirdo.

well what about a 23 year old virgin then?

27 year old virgin?

but yeah i want to just be somewhat comfortable with a woman: comfortable that they won’t leave me very soon, that I can have secs with them like 10 times at least and become comfortable with secs with them. all young women have experienced a rel like this, including my nonslutty female friend, but many men have never been omfortable with secs with anyone ever.

i am jelly of anyone who has ever been comfortable with secs. i am always so nervous about getting the gurl preggers…..but i dont like most forms of birth control, like the Oral Pill, or stuff that affects wimminz already crazy hormones. its so much easier to wear a rubber. i dont have a problem with that whatsoever! the 2 times i had secs i used a rubber hahaha. well the gurl kinda insisted on it. i dont know if she was using a Pill. we didnt know each other that well to discuss such an intimate thing, hahaha. but she knew me well enough to fook me, becuase its just secs! its not a big deal! i dont owe this guy an explanation of if im on the pill or not. just have him use a rubber.

shit many gurls will just get drunk and not care about you wearing a rubber. i could see That Woman doing such a thing, and idiotically getting Hepatitis from some sleazebag that way. cuz she was too dumb to insist on a rubber.

fookin nyquil. kinda using that as muh MJ hahaha.  i shoulda used more nyquil while doing my job. that is, come home and IMMEDIATELY take a half dose, and then I should be good for working the next day. calm muh t1ts and get 10 hours of sleep.

the prob is when you crash madly to sleep, but then you wake up like 5 hours later and stay awake for 1 to 2 hours before finally managing to get to sleep. also you get very thirsty. you need to drink a lot of water, which in turn makes you peepee a lot, which in turn will wake you up.

anyway i would much rather be smokin MJ.

 

 

 

MURDERING YOUR BABY HAS CONSEQUENCES

may 5

This fookin guy does a real talk video on despair and su1c1de after a friend of his recently K’d himself. now I have never consistently listened to AURINI, but I dont doubt he’s an ok guy. He probably repented for banging his other friends wife. I wonder if thats the guy who K’d himself!

no i dont hate aurini, he seems like an allright guy for the most part, his voice is just so annoying and he’s spergy and really no 40 year old man should not have a wife and kids. well some mgtows probably want these things but cant get them so they make a youtube channel as a substitute to express themselves. I do something similar.  i am lonely and desperate and needy and clingy for a good wife hahahahaha.

prolific yt commenter frances haypenny tells a horrible story of her husbandos friend who had an evil bitch wife who drove him to S001c1de, leaving 5 kids fatherless while she begs for money on gofundme and enjoys fookfests with latin men and now you have 5 white kids who will grow up to be batshit crazy. so sad.

ok now i have an actual interview for the part time 13 dollar an hour job that I have taken 3 hours of testing to get to this advanced round, where I will be grilled by 3 very higher ups for a damn 12000 dollar a year job.

maybe the job is just taking angry phone calls from city residents ALL DAY and finding creative ways to give them the runaround and protect the city higher ups from doing any work and being held accountable hahahaha.

Nope Not my problem, nothing we can do, call someone else, i dunno who. a lawyer. a plumber. a mechanic. best buy geek squad. comcast. not my problem. it is what it is. cant be fixed. no explanation. if you need an explanation, you’re not gonna believe the explanation anyway. i am the supervisor. i don’t have a manager. yes i’m practically a C-level executive VP.  next!

I dunno. everyone who works at the city seems ok. well except the city council, nobody likes them hahahaha. but thats different. hey i am a concerned citizen, i actually watch the city council meetings a couple times a year hahahaha.

ok. will bring a 3 page resume, a 1 page resume, my 2 letters of recommendation, then when I write a thank you email to hopefully all those people on THE DEATH PANEL, will include attachments of those documents as well.

if people want good technical support in their companies, there might have to be a REVOLUTION. or customer support for that matter. hire more people, give them regular training, make them take less calls, give them more power, not penalize them for long calls, make the higher ups accountable, give them good wage and health care, not chain them to their desks, let them do stuff other than take phone calls all day. have weekly meetings and actually relevant useful training.

yep all that amounts to a REVOLUTION hahaha. it really does.

interview.txt:

I will need to take 3 to 5 days to do a full audit of your systems. I will then need to write documentation and knowledge base for your systems. Then I will educate and train all users on proper use of the systems. Not simply tell them, if this happens, push that button, but empower them to be able to use the system proactively to prevent issues from occuring, and also have the basic skills to resolve simple issues independently. This will minimize the need for a dedicated IT Support Staff. Build service contracts with vendors for when serious problems do occur. Don’t hoard and hide knowledge in an unethical way to make yourself seem more indispensible. Write clear, complete documentation and make it available to all levels of users on the intranet.

this guy I know just waltzed in and pissed all over the previous IT Guy with this type of Real Talk. the previous IT guy was fired on the spot and the guy I know offered the job. Now he is a retiree just looking for a part time hobby really, so I hope they dont overburden him. I was talking to him about “the interview” and the job, since at first they were really vague, but they were unhappy with their IT Guy. who seemed to be a loose cannon information hider.

I hate information hiders but I know IT Guys can be twisted into mean nasty trolls by their company and the higher ups. but this is a smaller company and the IT guy deals directly with The Owner, so…..i don’t think that’s the case.

I am optimistic that my Acquaintance will Walk Out if the thing gets too time consuming and or ridiculous. He is a stable, steady, confident 65-year old man who has had a full, rewarding life of marriage, children, grandchildren, and lots of World Travel. He has met Tom Petty. He has been to Rhodesia. He has seen Led Zeppelin and the Doors. He has been just about everywhere in the world. He has gotten into bar brawls with Cowboys and has knocked bar douchebags out cold with Roundhouse Kicks. He really is one of the most Interesting guys I have met in a while and does not have a big head about it all. very down to earth and friendly. great guy. good role model. I am still not sure what his career actually was. I thought he was more on the business side than the Engineering side. He was definitely not an Engineer or a Scientist. I think most of his travel was for Business. He does not have a masters degree. not sure what his bachelors degree was. I know he played College Football and probably had the attention of a lot of Cute College Gurls. Like I say, he is around 65 years old. Solid Baby Boomer. He probably Slayed plenty of College Pvssy but was still able to find a good wife. He is a very solid man however. like, not a loser. he is able to pull a good woman. and definitely a smart guy, at least a 114 IQ on him, hahahahahahaha. His children grew up to be successful, make money, and give him some grandchildren.

I don’t like asking him about all these personal things but I am slowly building my catalog of this information hahaha. I think he might have been married twice and the first one did not last too long. any woman would be a total idiot to divorce him. maybe he divorced her because he realized he could do better, hahahahaha.

Very good masculine presence on him. I can only imagine what he was like at age 20, pumping iron and slaying college pvssy in the late 60s, early 70s. horry sheet.

no he did not go to a fancy pants college, he went to a super normie college that everyone in the area who went to college at that time went to , and which thousands of people still go to, which has produced many successful grads, which anyone with a brain knows is a decent school, but no one outside of the state really knows about it, the Campus is not super pretty, and people at my highly selective University scoffed at it as a third tier toilet. but hopefully changed their minds once they got out in the Working World and met some perfectly smart and capable grads of that school. hopefully. or they just went to orgs where everyone went to harvard and mit and stanford and duke and columbia. fook that hahahahaha.

well, i will go into the interview, let them bust my balls with tuff questions for 30 minutes, and then I will be free to go. Hell I am free to stand up and leave at any time if they begin busting my balls too much anyway! not that that is likely to happen.

but if I can sweat bullets on a 3 hour phone call, bullshitting out of my ass, then surely I can handle a 30 minute interview. and if they dont like my answers, fook em. hire one of the other 100 people hahahaha.

no its not cost effective to interview 100 people, that’s why you have two fooking rounds of stupid testing just to get to the interview. and some of those 100 people walk out of the stupid multiple choice test.

The second test was a lot better, re using word and excel and seemed much more relevant to the job. They could have given that one first, but it was certainly too much work to check. a 100 question multiple choice test can be checked quickly with a scantron.

again i really feel underqualified for the FT job there, and wish they had a FT opening that was a little less on pay grade. So I have a better chance of getting the PT job in other words. I mean its better than nothing but I also know PT jobs make me lazy hahahaha but FT jobs make me crazy hahaha but every adult man MUST have a FT job, thats simply THE RULES.

comments in that aurini video refer to how the root of all sin is SHAME, and christ was trying to rid us of shame. I cant say I agree with this. I think a little shame is a great thing! and you should feel shame for the sins you commit. Of course then you should feel shame, then repent, then receive GODS forgiveness and mercy, then move on with your life not burdened by shame, but also wiser and stronger and more virtuous and less sinful.

ARE YOU TELLING ME that IT Higher Ups don’t know about the existence of, or how to set up, a “process monitor” that checks the health of certain important processes, so that if an important program which you can’t see crashes suddenly, it give an error box, and also automatically restarts, and gives you another unmissable error box if it can’t restart.

so it’s up to the level 1 idiot to dream up such a thing and find a way to implement it.

when you dont have teachers or mentors or trainers, you are like a feral child or wolf. You find a way to survive day to day, but you often miss very basic fundamental things, which in hindsight SEEM obvious, but it REALLY helps to be taught those things by somebody. you can save yourself YEARS of struggle and stress and wasted time. just to have a Mentor teach you some key Best Practices.

like yes, there ARE Process Monitors that do this. nobody told me about them. I’m not sure if our company used them. they SHOULD have, because we had a lot of important semi-hidden programs that would often crash without warning and disrupt all sorts of shit! I would think, jeez, for such an important program, there should be something that keeps it from crashing, or at least starts it up again automatically if it crashes! I’m not a programmer so I don’t know how to build that program, but can’t they do that?

then I read something recently by a programmer talking very technical language on how to do something like that on like a linux server. but what about windows?

Like I say, i don’t LIKE this tech shit. it doesnt INTEREST me. I just became OBSESSED with how things worked, because my job was to fix weirdass problems, and I hated not understanding the problems or solutions! It was more an unhealthy obsession than a healthy interest. It drove me crazy rather than made me stronger or tougher or better.

As I Tell My Daughters, a Fallen World Isn’t Fair

catholic blog linked to from the fatherland, seems pretty straight. no you shouldnt blame girls for getting raped, but you should also teach them about the unfairness of the world, and parties with lots of alcohol are not great environments for young women. dressing like a whore gives you the worst kind of attention from the worst kinds of men. sex should be treated with the respect it deserves, as the sacred life creation process. its not a motherfooking GAME. teach your daughters to be careful as fook. how to avoid danger, and also the “near occasion of sin.”

The World Thinks Sex Is Boring

same author david mills writes about sexual morality and how people are so degenerate that the safety and security of a monogamous rel is simply not exciting and dangerous enough, well fook these degenerates

http://aleteia.org/author/david-mills/

so you need to build in “pockets of distance” to spice up your boring married sex life, advises the guardian or some shit. (for dumb women: thats a degenerate british newspaper, very marxist/progressive/degenerate/evil/sinful.)

http://aleteia.org/category/relationships/

hahahaha.

yeah i cant find the mission statement but its a catholic site. but what KIND of catholics? new agey bullshit francis loving catholic heretics hahaha? or good old skool traditional catholics?

How Do I Tell My Daughter I Had an Abortion?

hehehe well first be grateful that you have been able to raise a young woman in todays world who is morally intelligent enough to oppose abortion. and good for you for being ashamed of your abortion and hopefully repenting for it and raising a daughter who would never have an abortion. maybe you don’t even NEED to tell her. that will just complicate things and theres no NEED to tell her. of course it will bother you, you want to be honest, but consider that part of the Lifelong process of repentance for your Abortion hahaha. murdering your baby has consequences hahaha. WHO WOULDA THUNK IT. MURDERING YOUR BABY HAS CONSEQUENCES.

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/thecrescat/2012/05/fifteen-years-later-and-silent-no-more.html

hmm the catholic advice columnist has had TWO abortions herself. but has a good article here, saying the abortionists just treat it as a clump of cells, “a heavy period”, and the young scared women dont even REALIZE the GRAVITY of what they are doing!!!!!

good lord has EVERY woman had abortions? this is sad and horrifying.

Well there is apparently a ton of catholic women who have had abortions and they left heartbreaking comments on the above article and are showing a level of insight and awareness and thoughtfulness and remorse that I find appropriate. in other words they learn their lesson eventually, it just might take 20 years of grief and pain.  and certainly makes many women even MORE batshit crazy.

but yeah great comments. and i certainly dont hate these women. I feel sorry for them and I would probably forgive them and GOD in his infinite mercy has already forgiven them.

In fact, these “post-abortive” women might be our strongest warriors in fighting against abortion. for example, when you say youre a catholic, no one takes your anti-abortion Screeds serious, but when you say you’ve actually had an abortion, then you have a better chance at reaching them and changing their mind!

so in other words, women who have had abortions might be the best anti-abortion activists!

therefore, lets encourage all women to have at least one abortion hahahahahahahaha.

I shouldnt have to mansplain  moralsplain GODSPLAIN why that is a bad idea hahahaha.

if a woman were willing to tell me she had an abortion though, I wouldnt automatically cast her out. I would appreciate the courage and the trust to tell me something like that. that is a tuff thing to tell people. but I would want to have a deeper discussion on how she feels about it now, how it has changed her, how she views life, and what she would want to teach her children. in other words, has she suffered and changed and become pro-life. or does she had no remorse, no regrets.

everybody sins and does bad things. me too. and it sucks that women are so available, in NEAR OCCASION if you will, of such a god damn horrible sin, and are told by everybody that it isnt a sin, then they have to come to terms with that sin, and live with it the rest of their lives! the guilt would drive me crazy too! and it is my male privilege that I will never be in near occasion of that sin!

so yeah i dont envy women. really satan tempts women a lot more than he tempts men. thats why he went to eve before adam hahahaha. women are more easily corruptible. you can literally plant sin and evil in their womanly uterus so they can become Mothers of Sin And Evil hahahaha.

also see plenty of men praying for help with their Struggles with Pornography. good for them to realize its a bad thing and there is no reason to ever look at it.

someone in that patheos article commented that abortion is wrong not just because it offends god, but because its just plain bad. like smoking cigarettes is not just a way of disobeying your parents, but it also gives you cancer. thats WHY they forbid it. and its exactly why GOD Forbids Abortion. even if there was no god, and as an agnostic, there might not be, abortion would still be horribly wrong. this is the kind of Moral Intelligence I want WOMEN to show.

its easier for nonreligious people to say that Murder Is Wrong. But they have a hard time saying Abortion Is Murder.

it really is one of the biggest moral issues of the day. thats why us religious fanatics go so crazy about it. nonreligious people should be going crazy about it too. smart nonreligious people often rightfully conclude that it is horrible. like my buddy millennial woes.

how did i get so obsessed with it? not sure. like I said, once anyone starts really thinking about it, they should reach the same conclusions! but Evil Forces in our world try to convince everyone Its Not A Big Deal.

lets play what if again hahaha. what if that woman confessed to me she had an abortion. well I would be shocked and appalled but also humbled that she trusted in me to tell me such a secret, deep, dark thing. but I would also want to have the courage to have a deeper conversation to see if she learned an important moral lesson from it……or just forgot about it as an unpleasant part of her past. would she do it again? or was she changed for the better? becoming a pro-life warrior who would never do anything like that again? or was she trying to push down the guilt? would she feel any guilt at all? would she do other abortionlike things, like abort a person in a relationship, like me? would she deal with the Consequences in a mature, courageous manner, or just run away and try to forget? But overall I would forgive her, and appreciate the Intimacy and Trust needed to tell somebody that, like some women never tell their children or friends or family. so i’d appreciate that. but i’d also want to know, what did you learn? would you ever do this again? surely you have to have an opinion on it NOW.  either you’re an unrepetent sinner hellbent on murdering babies, or you recongized the error of your ways and have VOWED to NEVER do this again. theres no middle ground on something so egregious.

of course the pro-choice people paint it as something not egregious at all. so yeah you DONT have to be all MORALISTIC about it. its a nuanced situational choice that must be made dispassionately.

or the woman who had to have TWO abortions before she came to jesus hahaha because she didnt really learn anything between the first and the second. didnt do any serious reflection.

I was frustrated that That Woman seemed unwilling to do Serious Reflection on Serious Things……like our Relationship. and what I meant to her. and my Pain.

just THINK about it. don’t IGNORE it.

and i think this is a similar thing many women do with abortion. they dont WANT to think about it too deeply, because what they find might scare them. so just get it done fast.

who writes the contracts for contractors? I would HOPE that an attorney writes the contracts, because I know Contract Law is a big deal. but I’m not a lawyer. or a contractor. Maybe they just use template contracts from Nolo.com or avvo.com or robert shapiro.com . contracts written by contract lawyers, but you just buy a book of them for $50 rather than pay a real lawyer $400 an hour to write your contract for you. seems like a good way to cut costs goy.

 

 

SERIOUS ISSUES DESERVE SERIOUS REFLECTION

may 13

yeah buddy. had nyquil last night, went to bed at 9 pm hahaha.

ultimately i think MJ is MUCCHHHHH better than nyquil for sleeping. the tolerance with nyquil starts IMMEDIATELY and so does the dependence, meaning, the first night without nyquil….you can’t sleep and want to tak nyquil. but if you did, you’d have to take a lot more than you did last night. its so much easier and simpler to just sm0ke MJ hahaha.

maybe theres really more transgenders than we know. maybe 50% of people are trans but they are just too scared to Come Out. well I can tell you I am not transgender hahaha. I dont really care about being super masculine, and that has indeed hurt me significantly as a man…..but I still dont want to be a woman at ALL.

also I’m not supper F4GGY. really I just seem like a sensitive, Nice, shy Straight Man, nothing more, nothing less. not flamingly feminine. i appreciate masculinity and being a man. i appreciate guns and weight lifting and testosterone and toughness and stoicism and logic and honor. these are serious man things. nontoxic masculinity hahaha.

applied for typist clerk 3 for county dept. the county always has perfect jobs for me. entry level GED shit, full time, 25-30 grand a year.

applied for that one. applied for 9 similar jobs with the county, no response on any of them. maybe my materials are missing that special it factor. I have stopped sending them txt files and started with doc files. including linkedin profile. started including 1 letter of recommendation. what the fook do they want.

someone on a nile video remarked that karl sanders looks kinda like TRUMPENFUHRER. that was hilarious and kind of true. that makes me like both guys more hahaha.  some metal idiot responded they should replace trump with sanders. karl not bernie hahahahahaha. real clever, guy.

but i also find it nice that karl sanders is 50+ years old and he is still making raging death metal. before nile he played in a “thrash” band, and the first nile demo in 1994 was not br00tal at all. so nile became MORE br00tal and extreme than they were at the beginning. and karl is 52 years old and has those nice deep death metal vocals. and he still looks good! he does not look 52 years old.

but yeah I like how they blatantly have tons of fun at their live shows rather than trying to look all tough and grim. many years later and many of the exact same albums later hahahaha karl is grinning ear to ear and knows that he is blessed hahaha. however I do hope he is a good husband and father, which is tough when you are away from home more often than not. very tough.

and i do like how he looks like a big technically fat potato. i mean at his age he really should try to lose a little weight hahaha. but he still looks happy and healthy and he’s not grossly obese or anything. he’s just… a little fat. he certainly has the charisma and personality to pull an attractive woman however.

well its nice to have a mancrush. nice to have a womancrush too hahahaha.

for me it helps a lot in approaching niles music to imagine big jolly karl sanders playing it. without that, the music sounds kind of ridiculous just like the negative reviews so succinctly put it. riff cramming, style over substance, obnoxious, boring, hahahaha.

also the guy is white as hell. he is so white he is almost albino and his hair remains ridiculously blond in his old age.

just a great guy. well, i hope he is. i hope he’s not a degen alcoholic or something. plus constant touring is not really the greatest lifestyle. he certainly has a NEAR OCCASION to sin with sluts and drugs. hopefully he doesnt.

might try their 2015 album, hear it is a little rawer? less click clacky?  i dunno. but it would be worth listening to whilst doing my 2.5 mile jog eh?

great entry to my what to say in interview file:::

may 13 2016

When you go to mechanic, its because you don’t have the knowledge, skills, and tools to diagnose, understand, and fix the problem with your car. you trust that you are bringing your car to skilled, trained professionals who know what they are doing. Now imaging you were hired by that mechanic into their job. Now the curtain is lifted and the great and powerful oz is revealed to be no different that you. The expert is no different from the customer.

it would be difficult to get away with this in the auto repair industry, although we might see some parallels in tire shops and oil change shops and other low-level price-point service shops which don’t require ASE-certified mechanics.

we can easily imagine the customer’s perspective here, of using a mechanic who doesn’t seem to know what they were doing. You would be frustrated at the company and rightfully want to speak to a manager. You would lose faith in the company. You would wonder, rightfully, what’s the difference between this and just doing it myself? I am paying for expertise and skilled labor. If I wanted unskilled, amateur service…..I’d try to fix my car myself.

It’s harder to put yourself in the shoes of the mechanic in that situation. But when you are a new employee being thrown in to the deep end, that is what it feels like. You feel like you simply don’t have the knowledge and skills to do what your customers are asking you to do. You feel in over your head and totally unprepared and unprofessional.

In this case you need to stay calm and teach yourself as much as possible, and sacrifice your personal time to get up to speed, power through the learning curve, hit the ground running, and be able to provide real value and skill for your customers and your company.

it also helps to have experienced colleagues who can sign off on your work and advise you once in a while…..however you must not use them as a crutch, because they will not always be there for you. you have to take initiative and learn your job inside and out, so you can work independently and not have your hand held. you have to figure out solutions on your own and have an inquisitive, curious nature to find out the answers to your question. This may involve reading, research and study outside of your shift. You have to be willing to do the reps in order to gain the muscle. You have to be willing to do the HOMEWORK in order to do well on the EXAMS.

END///////

pretty sweet eh.

I was getting the oil change and thinking, why dont I just do this myself. you think some 18 year old Lube Tech making 10 DAH knows any more than I do? they probably just threw him out there on his first day and said ok start changing oil. and he had no more knowledge or experience than I have.

but then the mechanic came in and said come out here i wanna show you something, ok heres an impact bubble on this tire which is not on the other tires. he’s some corrosion on the battery terminal which you can scrub out with some coca cola. a lotta places might not tell you this stuff, but I believe that honestly isn’t just the best policy…..ITS THE ONLY POLICY. and he looked deadly serious. he is either the most evil crooked bullshitter on the face of the earth, or, he was just as serious and principled as I am. “I agree completely” I told him, and thanked him for his transparency. because i do agree. that is the same way I would try to do my job. I dont want to bullshit people, I dont want to hide shit. I want to share knowledge and make sure everyone is on the same page.

this gave me confidence and faith in that mechanic, and in the business as a whole. I wouldnt want to patronize a business that had untrained kids doing stuff. I will pay more to get competent, trained technicians.

OTHERWISE I WOULD JUST DO IT MYSELF.

This was the feeling I got every day in my job: “I have no clue, why are you asking me? oh wait. its my JOB to fix this. well I dont know any more than this caller. they MIGHT AS WELL TRY FIXING IT THEMSELVES. I don’t have any special knowledge or training that they do. they have used the program more than I do. I don’t even KNOW what theyre talking about, how am I supposed to FIX this?”

i did not like that feeling hahahahaha. at all.

these people wanted help, and i wanted to help them, and helping them was  TECHNICALLY my job, but I didnt know how to help them, and I couldnt get great help on how to help them, meaning often peopel didnt really get helped. but as long as everything was documented and metrics were met, that’s all that mattered.

my female friend didnt want to give me moral support and she was not able to give me technical support. her response was to laugh sheepishly with her cute little laugh and say idk just go with the flow dont worry so much.

so I looked elsewhere for moral support and technical support and found some very competent smart men I felt comfortable Talking Shop with. thank GOD for them! like me, they wanted to really fix problems and really know how to fix shit and help people. the buck stops here. i am the same way. i will go all out to help people and i dont like when the company stands in the way of that.  time is money goy tick tock. youve been on this call for 21 minutes, is everything all right?

and sometimes you WANT to escalate it but are getting pushback…..and other times you WANT to figure it out but the problem is just that weird.  either way it results in a long call which will get you noticed by Quality.

and then the whole department was shut down to Cut Costs and DOZENS of GREAT people are permanently out of a job and the tier 1 operations will likely be outsourced to the same vendor they were already bringing in………(but still americans thank god, just even worse trained than we were)…..and the company employees who call in for service will NEVER KNOW. Well, unless an old school tech TELLS them: you know they closed a center so those good people you got last year? theyre all gone, never to come back. if you call in with any issue, the tier 1 person you speak to WILL be a third party vendor contractor. 100% chance, not just a 70% chance hahahaha.

why not outsource everything? its like the EMR tech support company who outsourced their hiring to the temp agency because they couldnt “get good enough people on their own”. the temp agency who wanted to hire me in for 17 bucks an hour, at the very poorly reviewed call center, where the very few people who had been around for 2 years, were actually started in at 12.50 and havent gotten any raises, and are understandably upset at the new people who make much more.

this is kinda weird, usually its the other way around. keep cutting and cutting the wages for new hires, not RAISING them.

i dunno. if i had more confidence, like SHE does, then I woulda had a much easier time saying yes to that job. I wish I had as much confidence as her hahaha or any normie.

goddam cvnt!!! how can she be so irreplaceable to me but i am so replaceable to her! same thing with the other cvnts! looks like they are more replaceable than I thought they were! just like every other cvnt hahahaha. but really. anyone that knows and has ever appreciates me, KNOWS that I cannot be replaced. only women have ever treated me like that hahaha.

heh. maybe she realizes that I am irreplaceable….. but she still wants to be done with me anyway.

Just like how I appreciate that all the friends I used to have that I drifted away from, I knew they were irreplaceable too.

so they weren’t important enough for me to care?

well that sounds terrible. well its A LOT DIFFERENT when you drift apart vs something like this.

so….either i did something so abonimably obscene and unforgivable that me begging im sorry im sorry please forgive me please respond would get me nothign……… or she was scared and overwhlemed and ran away forever like a scared animawish she’d come to her senses after some time has passes however. l. which sounds more plausible.

i just wish she would have come back AFTER she was done being scared and overwhelmed, and jsut sent me a message trying to do the right thing. like wait a month, even two months, and take 5 minutes to shoot off an email saying Im sorry for running away, i just wanted to say sorry and have a good life, we had a good friendship and i understand if you got feelings for me, i guess it just happens sometimes. when i am pretty, AND nice, AND not a whore hahahahaha.

i mean really. she should have guys falling in luv with her left and right. she is pretty, AND young, AND really nice, AND not a whore. every guy she meets should be falling in luv with her. maybe they do and she is just too oblivious. or maybe she just tries really hard to ignore and avoid it hahahaha.

i mean the only men who wouldnt like her, are the ones who deliberately like Huge Sluts. Really Slutty and Bitchy gurls. some guys do. they don’t like nice sweet gurls. and they dont like gurls who dont dress or act like sluts. they wouldnt like her then.

but i am so not one of those guys. I like nice sweet gurls, and who dont dress or act like sluts. no surprise that I fell in luv with her then.

well I have to go to the fat club here and burn 1000 calkories.

 

 

 

ABANDONING A FRIEND IS NOT THE SAME THING AS ESCAPING AN ABUSER

may 4

Awesome post I just made in that epic despair forums thread:::::::::::::::::::::::

excellent points! I think a fair amount of people might arrive at MRA or MGTOW after repeated disappointments, rejections, and failures with women. I know I did! But as I have become more of a “traditionalist white knight”, I have moved away from that element, saying “wow, these guys really DO look like a bunch of basement-dwellers who are trying to make themselves feel better about their total failure with women, by building it into a social, political, philosophical movement. And I don’t want to be one of those bitter, butthurt neckbeard woman-haters, etc….”  Possibly myself buying into the negative stereotypes about MRAs!

But I think a lot of us don’t avoid unflinching, brutal self-examination either: “I keep getting rejected, maybe the common denominator here is me!” In fact, this first brought me to “Game” when I was a fairly young man, before I moved to MRA/MGTOW.  I thought, maybe there’s something I’m doing wrong, I hate to be a victim of circumstance, maybe I can take some responsibility/ownership/agency over this.

Game is controversial for many reasons: it’s dishonest, manipulative, insincere, mechanical, amoral, immoral, creepy, etc. I had no interest in the most extreme “Pick Up Artists” and I preferred more “intelligent” writers like Heartiste/Roissy. Also there was the sense of “I’m not THAT weird and creepy, I’m basically a decent person, I can make regular friends, do I really have to completely retrain my brain just become attractive to women? Is it really supposed to be this hard? It’s not that complicated, I’m just shy around women! Millions of men have been through this!”

For me, the most important lesson I took out of Game could be boiled down into two words: Be Masculine. (or, Be Confident.) As a not super-masculine guy, that is probably where Game could help me the most. But just like hardcore MGTOW, I think one can get tunnel-vision if they spend too much time reading this kind of stuff.

Game eventually brought me to MRA and MGTOW, as I wasn’t just concerned about my own personal failure to attract women, but also the broader consequences of feminism and strained male/female relationships on society at large.

But I wonder if Game implies more of a sense of personal agency than MRA/MGTOW (sorry to lump those two terms together, I know not all MRA’s are MGTOWs, haha), in the sense that Game says here’s a problem I have some control over, while MRAs might say, the system is rigged against us, and there’s nothing we can do but just stay away, not get involved.

For me, much of it was partially related to my own resentment about my own constant failure with women. I don’t regret the time I spent in these movements, as they have taught me many useful things about a “red pill” perspective. But some of Game and some of MRA were too much of a “black pill” for me: watching the world burn, enjoying the decline, nihilistic, Fight Club, Joker sort of mentality.

Now, I do realize we are possibly living in the Kali Yuga and have to “Ride the Tiger” as Evola says, hahaha, but now I believe that men and women can be partners in this struggle.

I’ve just tried to integrate it all into an ongoing synthesis. I’m not a helpless victim of big bad women or misandrist society, and could probably improve my results with women by taking personal action on very “simple” things like be more masculine, be more confident.

However, we DO live in a “fallen world” where the dating scene seems very grim and disgusting: people having casual sex with multiple people they meet on Tinder, women being fooled by shallow caricatures of masculinity rather than choosing a more healthy masculinity. (Choosing “thugs” and “Bad boys” and “deadbeat losers” over more reliable men. This can also come from not having good masculine role models growing up, such as a decent father.)

However, I also fully appreciate women’s role as the Choosers in mating, simply because women bear all the reproductive risks of getting pregnant. It frustrates me that many women don’t seem to understand this, though. All the contraceptive technology and changing attitudes about sex will NEVER change the fact that women are the ones who get pregnant, which essentially makes them the choosers. So when some women say “The double standard is BS, women should be able to have casual sex just like men,” I shake my head sadly and view it almost like a “baby with a gun”, meaning they don’t realize the awesome power they hold. With great power comes great responsibility, haha.

Basically, I just wanted to bleat about my own special snowflake perspective on relationships, haha!  My personal opinion is that a healthy, loving relationship is a beautiful, possibly sacred thing, and is a goal very much worth struggling and sacrificing toward, and I have accepted that it’s not supposed to come easily. (However, I never thought it would be this difficult, and it’s very hard not to compare yourself to others: oh look, that person is only 22 and they have been in a relationship for 4 years, I would really like to know what that’s like, someone to cuddle with who doesn’t immediately dump you, bla bla bla.) The changing sexual attitudes in society have also been very damaging to both men and women, under the guise of “liberation” and “freedom” and “equality” and “exploration/discovery”.

I would like to get married (probably not a legal or state-sanctioned marriage, haha) and have children, as I see children and family-building to be a very natural and beautiful step in the Circle of Life, haha, which is just as naturally and beautifully preceded by a healthy, committed relationship to act as a foundation for that family. Yeah I admit this is very idealized, fairy tale sort of stuff, but I HAVE seen normal everyday average people who generally embody these ideals. Basically just try not to have children with a deadbeat, haha, but we can also see around us many sad examples of people who have hit this pitfall.

But I also think some MRA/MGTOWs come across as bitter and woman-hating and think All Women Are Like That (AWALT/NAWALT/etc.) I too am bitter, and especially bitter right now, as I am still very much struggling with a HUGE bitter heartbreak, and REALLY trying not to let that influence my opinion of other women. But I really don’t want to BE a woman-hater. It’s really no fun, haha. I don’t want to hate women! I also don’t want to keep a “safe distance” from women. I really would prefer to have women in my life rather than not.

I’ve never been sure How Many Women Are Like That: 51%? 49%? 80%? 99.9%? 10%? I just can’t get a good read on that, and that actually gives me hope. Like if I truly believed 99.9% of women were two-faced evil scammers…I would essentially already be a woman-hater, haha. In other words, I believe the number is much more likely to be closer to 50% than to 99%…..and I am cautiously optimistic it could be well below 50%!  (Whenever I don’t know what a proportion might be, I always assume 50%, and then hope to be pleasantly surprised, hahaha.)

I have been moving away from “egalitarianism” however, in that I believe we need to fully embrace the differences between men and women. Women can get pregnant and therefore have the right to choose their mate…..but with that comes the responsibility to treat sex very carefully and to choose wisely. And men do have the responsibility to protect and provide for their woman. Also I believe women are more inclined to groupthink and conformity, so when our society is promulgating some very disturbing attitudes, women may be less inclined to question that mainstream authority, while Serious Men such as ourselves think much more deeply on the the implications, haha.

I get sad when I see MGTOWs in their 40s and beyond. I think it’s a shame this man didn’t get married and have children, he would probably be a great husband and father. Well….some MGTOWs, haha. I much prefer a guy like Bernard Chapin to Bar Bar, for example. So I am personally thankful that I “moved on” from MGTOW well before age 35, hahaha. Also it’s sad to see 18 year old boys proclaiming themselves as MGTOWs. Yes there are crazy risks in getting involved with the wrong women, and yes our society can give incentives to tempt women over to “the dark side”, but I firmly believe the potential rewards of a good wife and family outweigh the risks of having your life ruined by a Borderline Personality. There is really no reason to “give up” on women.

But yeah, I hear ya! I totally understand that one’s own personal experiences can deeply influence the way we view the world, for better and for worse. The same thing happened to me!  And as you move through life, your viewpoint can change over time. For example, I have not become any more successful with women, but I think my view of women has actually become more positive.  (Not that we should avoid “pessimistic realism” just because it is pessimistic, or avoid talking about very real and serious problems!)

Also if you have any tendency towards Aspergers/autism/spectrum that can definitely play an important role. Some speculate that autism is a “hyper-masculine” way of viewing the world, in the sense of logic, reason, thinking, possibly overthinking, haha, and also really struggling with relationships. And it’s certainly true autism spectrum conditions are MUCH more prevalent in men than in women. (I think, haha. Too lazy to find a good source.) This may all make the somewhat Aspergery man feel very alienated from women, which IMHO is not a good feeling!

I’ve also heard anecdotes of autistic men who do very well with women, simply because they always speak their mind and seem to have great confidence, don’t care what other people think, etc. But I’m guessing this is moreso the exception than the rule, and that these men are probably skewed towards being very physically attractive.

ANYWAY I don’t want to get off topic too much, but the themes in this thread are right in my wheelhouse, haha. Also I want to give a more “fair and balanced” view of MRA/MGTOW to the women, as this is not a men-only forum, and over the past several years, I’ve seen mentions of MRA in surprisingly mainstream media (or comment sections of), and they are always stereotyped as paranoid women-haters who can’t get over their own failure with women and therefore paint all women with the same brush. So I wanted to defend the legitimate concerns of MRAs, while at the same time admitting that yes, there can be a component of personal issues with women. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, haha.

As always feel free to keep this epic thread going!

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////END AUSTRALIAN QUALITYPOST

the OP is a spergy 30 year old virgin who is into some mgtow stuff and i can relate quite a bit to him, except he is more spergy, and more bipolar. and more mgtow. i am trying to gradually pull him over to white knight white nationalism hahahahaha, but he is probably too much in an misanthropic black pill nihilistic libertarian phase. maybe i will get banned from the forum for my woman-hating hahaha.

god forbid youre a woman hater, hahaha.

no i;m not really a woman hater! i’d much rather be remembered as a Huge Racist, than a woman hater!

im a sexist sure, but not a woman HATER!!!!

i’m a racist sure! but i dont…..well im dismayed by nonwhites in my neighborhood being annoying, and i am hugely dismayed by white women being huge whores. i dont like seeing women of my race throwing themselves away (and by extension, our race.) (but I guess even though women create life, the responsibility falls on the man to really guide the preservation of our race. and this has been real hard for me to come to terms with. how can women, who can get pregnant, who bear all the risks, not care about their race at all? i’m not sure. i’ll never be sure. but they just don’t.)

WELL….some women do. SOME women are still sensible enough to not even WANT to mudshark. SOME women are sensible enough to want to date men ONLY of their race. i just need to find those type of women, those are definitely my type of women.

its not just perception. its that rejection and loss is LEGIT PAINFUL.

its like you dont tell somebody with cancer to just get over it, cancer is legit horrible!

ok rejection and loss is not THAT bad, but its still legit pretty bad! it’s not all a matter of perception!

when somebody important LEAVES you in such a CALLOUS, SUDDEN way!

It’s not ESCAPING AN ABUSER. This is called ABANDONING A FRIEND. two very different things.

It’s not that I had no ownership over my feelings. It’s just that she had SOME ownership over my feelings too, because she was the one who rejected me! and she made no effort to be nice about it!

i wasnt asking her to not reject me! I was asking her to reject me a LITTLE nicer!!!!!

thats what i want her to understand! and the court of women to understand! I’m mature and reasonable enough to know I can’t EXPECT someone to LOVE me! But I CAN SORT OF expect someone ive known a long time and not abused or betrayed, to reject me a little more considerately!!!!!

but life isnt fair!

but nobody deserves this! life being unfair doesnt give anyone the RIGHT to BE unfair!

and i deserved better treatment from a friend of 2.7 years!

shit yeah i am harping on that point but thats my best argument.

really? THATS my BEST argument?

well its not a BAD argument, is it?

a better way to phrase it would be: we were friends for 2.7 years, couldnt you even write ONE EMAIL? ONE TEXT? ONE WORD?

wow. my RAM came in on wednesday and I quickly installed it without issue. even though i had never done this before. that was kind of confidence building but I wouldnt want to walk OTHER people through it! I didnt even realize that you couldnt used DDR3 with DDR2 motherboards! i thought things were Cross Compatible!

good thing I got the right kind of memory and it was recognized by the computer!

still dont know what SODIMM is. i just know now that DDR, 2, and 3 have the little notches in different places so they wouldnt even FIT in a different slot, youd have to BREAK it.

download SPECCY from piriform to show you all the specs of your computer that windows wont show you hahahahaha. like if you have DDR2 or DDR3 RAM. what your version of BIOS is.

i cant explain any of this stuff. I just know Its A Thing. I dont CARE to UNDERSTAND it. i’d like to see HER explain it.

id like if she would just talk to me wawawawawawawawawawawawawa

the right person wouldnt need to come BACK to you, because they would never LEAVE you in the first place.

or if they did, you would probably be in communication with the person and there would be a lot of mutual struggle back and forth.

not them not contacting you for 9 months. at that point they are not gonna come back. you shouldnt WANT them back!!!!!! but i do.

oh yeah. lyin ted dropped out. did i mention that? that is YUGE. i did not expect that at ALL. I thought he would fight right up to the convention. I mean this is good news, cant stump the trump hahaha.

something would be wrong with you if you DIDNT feel severe pain after a big loss. this is normal and healthy for humans. its not just PERCEPTION or ATTITUDE. when you Lose a Loved One you SHOULD be sad, sometimes VERY sad. And I’d rather be TOO sad than not sad enough! at least I know Im not a sociopath! SHES not sad ENOUGH!!!!! or maybe she is, shes just not telling anyone, hahaha. keeps the pain bottled up and just goes out and fooks and pretends everythings ok. fooks some random guys, creates a few random lives, gets a few random abortions, no big deal.

hahahaha. yeah I will never shy away from portraying women as not being respectful of Life. they live in a Culture of Death.

To That Woman:

I don’t really need to know or want to know WHY, I have a pretty good idea why, you were just overwhelmed and ran away. I just wanted you to Acknowledge my pain and feel a little sorry for my pain, because I felt great pain when you rejected me. Rejection is naturally, normally painful. I was responsible for managing my emotions and feelings, but I think you were responsible for treating me in a respectful way, and I just don’t feel that happened. Think if you were being rejected and didnt want a relationship to end. How would you want THEM to do it to you? And then try to act that way to me. Its just simple golden rule stuff. It’s not easy though, it does take courage, and I haven’t always had courage either.  It was just really painful for me and I wish you cared more about me and my pain. also when you do this, it makes me think I meant nothing to you, but I know I did. So I feel you are denying that I meant anything to you. I mean just as a friend. We werent just passing acquaintances or random people. We were both important friends to each other. When you lose an important person like that it is very painful. I really tried to handle this by talking to you and writing to you. I wish you hadnt turned away and blocked out everything I was trying to say to you. I think what I was saying was worth hearing, and our relationship was valuable enough not to be thrown away in the blink of an eye. We had something really special. Even just in terms of friendship. A friendship IS a kind of relationship, and it can be very very important. I thought we had that. I’d like to move forward in my life knowing that I was once an important person for you. I could never deny you were an important person for me. Just try to show some more concern for me as a human being. You sure used to. This is very hard for me and you truly do have the power to make it a little better for me, and I’d really appreciate it if you did. It’s just not right to block somebody like this unless they are ABUSING you. I’m not abusing you. I was just trying to communicate about an important issue that was affecting BOTH of us.

It just seems you have no conscience towards me. I just wish you felt worse about doing this to me. I mean you do have the power to talk to me. You just choose not to because its the path of least resistance. please show me some more courage than that. this is the last you’ll ever have to deal with me. Wouldnt you rather handle this in a good way than in a bad way? It’s really not like you to just leave me hurting. I know you don’t like me back but don’t punish or hate me for liking you. liking a person is a lot better than just blocking and avoiding them. Has me liking you hurt you nearly as much as you blocking me has hurt me?  I wish you were just willing to talk to me. this is just confusing and mind boggling for me. we used to talk about some pretty important things. lets just do that again, one more time, for the last time.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201410/whats-the-best-way-you-end-relationship

here are some good pointers on how to end a relationship in a healthy way.

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/how-break-up-gracefully

Or here. Or also ask someone in your family the best way to dump someone.

Basically, have a conversation in person, and allow the other person to be upset.

END LETTER PORTION hahahaha

Yeah I gotta do that more often. just write a paragraph a day. in letter form. addressing it directly to the person you cannot speak to, that really does help.

GRIP IT AND RIP IT.

I just wish women ACTED like they CARED about getting pregnant sometimes. Like WOW, thats a big deal, so I’m not gonna have casual sex. Becuase I dont want to get pregnant, I dont want to have any abortions, I dont want to use plan B.

I forgot plan B. Some women are so casual about getting Plan B that its Chilling. When I was in college I was hanging out with a female friend (who I did not have feelings for, and who was having Secs with other men, and I didn’t really care, because I didnt want to be having secs with her!) and she said, welp I gotta swing by planned parenthood and get some plan B. uhhhhh ok I said. and she did.

later I realized my ideal woman would not be so casual about swinging by planned parenthood and getting some plan b after a night with me, hahahaha. she would have better control over her body and say, ok Im on the Rag right now so its best that we wait a few days until that’s over, because when it comes to getting preggers, I DONT PLAY AROUND.

shit. if women cared about getting pregnant as much as I CARE about GETTING THEM PREGNANT…….women would me muuuuuuuch more sexually moral and the world would be a better place.

WOMEN SHOULD CARE ABOUT GETTING PREGNANT AS MUCH AS MEN CARE ABOUT GETTING THEM PREGNANT. 

yeah that is gonna become a post title soon hahahaha.

of course many MEN dont care either. theyre like, welp thats her problem, not mine. let her get the plan b or abortion.

I mean im the type of guy who wouldnt THINK of not wearing a rubber, because I don’t trust the woman to not have a disease! I don’t trust the woman to be on the pill! Besides, I don’t really like the pill anyway, I would prefer women dont take the pill. so it was kinda weird to hear my female friends in College talking about the pill and the Ring and Birth Control. and then god forbid plan B. plan B’s even worse, because its not just a Contraceptive, its an ABORTIFACIENT. I bet she would be too dumb to tell you the difference hahahaha.

Right To Choose and Abortion has just been brainwashed into women from a young age that they CANT EVEN SEE THE MORAL ASPECTS of the question. They’re just like, oh this is something modern women have the privilege to do. only religious freaks and women haters say other wise.

whereas if you really got them to THINK about it, really THINK about When Does Life Begin, you could probably convince a lot of women that Abortion is Wrong and thank God I never got an abortion before I realized how wrong it was.

So yeah I like that religious bullshit like make the woman look at an ultrasound first and read this pro-life material first.

that’s probably misogynist of me to think that women DONT EVEN THINK about it. how could you NOT think about it?

Well I honestly think many women try NOT to think about it because they’re afraid they might not be able to go through with it, if they thought about it enough. just get it done quickly before you change your mind. then once youve done it once, well, youve killed your child, no turning back now, hahahaha, you can do it again if needed.

its hard to know what the average woman thinks about abortion anyway. its not exactly an easy discussion to have with a woman.

i mean when i was in college and all the women were on BC and were raging leftists in luv with Barry and hating G Dubs, yeah it was pretty clear they were pro-murder hahahha. but that didnt mean they actually did it themselves.

Besides just because a woman votes for a shitty leftist doesnt mean she luvs abortion. i mean many women are so stupid theyll just vote for hillary because shes a woman. but they might not luv abortion per se. just vote for the woman who luvs abortion hahahaha.

just saying MY ideal woman would go on the record as being against abortion, think its horrible, and would have never done it.

its IMPORTANT and if ANYONE should have a STRONG OPINION on abortion, its WOMEN. I dont really want to think about it is NOT a valid answer.

Just like I would rather not know mudsharks or high-number sluts, I would rather not know any women who have gotten Abortions.

maybe if they had gotten “only” one and they were deeply remorseful for it.

i would still prefer zero abortions. OBVIOUSLY.

Shit one abortion is probably worse than being with one black guy , hahahahaha.

I will also forgive ONE black guy, especially if the woman is remorseful, like yeah that was a bad idea, i’ll never do that again, it’s only white guys from here on out. never again.

How much sluttiness would I forgive. not sure. def not more than 20 guys.

again, the POINT is they are GENUINELY REMORSEFUL. They say, that was a TERRIBLE IDEA. NEVER AGAIN. not “it was a phase.” or “i was young.” or especially “i don’t regret it.” NO. I WANT YOU TO REGRET IT. THATS THE WHOLE POINT.

I can admit when I was wrong, why cant you do the same?

I have regrets, why can’t you admit you have regrets?

this “no regrets” shit is STUPID.

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS. 

also will be a poast title soon hahaha.

so yeah the way that woman dealt with this situation makes me wonder if she has the COURAGE NECESSARY to confront TOUGH MORAL QUESTIONS like playing the life creation game, slutting it up, mudsharking, abortions. we know she’s already mudsharked once! not cool at all! and i have no idea if she has remorse about mudsharking itself…..or if she just didnt like THAT guy and would still Fook OTHER black guys. is this REALLY the type of woman I want to be my WIFE, the MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN???!!?!?!?!  I couldn’t even trust her not to MVRDER those children!!!!!!

I thank GOD I’ve never had to be in an abortion situation, where I got a gurl preggers and we had to Decide What To Do…..even though ultimately it was up to her.

And I hope to never BE in that situation.

And so I wonder……how many women in My Generation have gotten abortions? 50%? that would be 2spooky5me!

how many men of my generation have knocked up a gurl and she got an abortion?

has it happened to my male friends? I’m not even CLOSE enough with anyone that they would tell me something like that.

And I feel I was once at the level of closeness with That Woman that she might have been able to tell me something like that.

I mean its DEFINITELY a conversation you should have if you are thinking about MARRYING someone!

I never told you i had an abortion because you never asked hahahahaha. I never told you Ive been with 20 black guys because you never asked!!!!

out of sight, out of mind. if she could ABORT me, she probably could ABORT a BABY too. Do I really want to be with someone like that? Do I really want to be with someone who could ABORT a relationship period? Do I want to be with someone who aborted ME??!?!?!?!?!?!?! That might be a bridge too far. There might be no reconciliation for that. well….. i forgive her….but she hasnt expressed any WANT for forgiveness!

when you ABORT someone, you SHOULD feel bad and seek forgiveness! many women who get abortions feel terrible and guilt and take a long time to forgive themselves and they beg for forgiveness from GOD. sometimes it makes their “relationship” with GOD stronger. and then you better believe they thing about the moral implications of ABORTION. Just too bad they had to have an abortion in order to do that!

I just dont like abortion and the women who have them, ok? hahahaha. Im entitled to my opinion, and I’m also entitled to JUDGE the women who have. well, only GOD can JUDGE, but I can sure say, i’d rather not associate with Abortioners! I don’t want MY wife to be an abortioner unless GOD decides to send me a woman who had one abortion and then repented for it.

and that would involve a lot of deep thought and deep conversation.

I’m just disgusted we live in a world where stupid cowardly young women can get abortion without even really realizing WHAT IT IS.

I seriously question if some of these women really UNDERSTAND what is going on in the Life Creation Process.

Which is frustrating as FOOK, because women play 99.99% of the role in the Life Creation Process! but they dont NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING about it!

its like the black box of object oriented programming. you don’t need to see the code inside the box, you just plop objects in and they supposedly do their job. so everything is reusable and portable and “extensible.”

yeah well we’re not programs gertie, we’re people hahahaha.

we get feelings, and fall in luv, and question whats right and whats evil.

at least the good ones do, hahahaha. the shitty ones just dont give a damn.

i so wanted her to give a damn about me as a person. to stand up and show some backbone when it REALLY COUNTED. this is it. its now or never.

well its not like I put her on the spot and said this is your ONE AND ONLY CHANCE. every time I asked her to hang out or Communicate Please was a chance.

we were both good at avoiding, but she was even better.

and REALLY? you couldnt send an email like One Month later, after she had Cooled Off, saying sorry about this?

Avoiding Something Forever is NOT the same as a Cooling Off Period.

besides, a cooling off period is usually only a few days. I can’t imagine a true cooling off period lasting a damn month. at that point, its a damn BREAK, and things are not looking hopeful.

but how about you let me know if you want a break also? not just say of course we’ll hang out soon. that is not what you say when you want a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

anyway if a woman is openly pro-abortion and not ashamed of her abortion……stay away from that woman. that type of woman is NOT a good influence on your life. you can find better people than those losers, hahahahaha.

i just hate her thinking im a loser who she wants to cut out of her life, while she was a winner who i wanted to stay in my life.

my other friends dont try to shun me from THEIR lives!!! and its not like THEY are huge losers, and the only people that don’t shun me are themselves huge losers! so that is reassuring.

google how does quicken loans scam people hahaha.

so that would be a loan originator. then i wonder if they sell the loans to other companies for Servicing. Probably yes. see I just dont understand this. when do you stop “contracting out” service? why dont the servicers just sell it to another servicer? where does it end? why cant a company just service ITS OWN PRODUCTS? wouldnt they be in the best position to do so? they designed the product!

or probably they hired a damn consultant to design the products. doesnt even work for the company.

so what is the company? just a bunch of managers who hire 90000 other companies to do everythign for them.

see this makes no sense and they dont teach any of this in school. or college. i guess econ was the only thing that came close, in its story about making a pencil. economies of scale. its CHEAPER to have suppliers who all make one part of the pencil. so, same principle here. you just have seperate servicers for every product, every part of every product.

yet we could never find a person who knew enough about how our software interacted with a 3rd party piece of software. there was 1 person in the company who knew and he was on vacation, or he didnt have a phone. one does not simply CALL someone THAT high up!

and its not like these are C level executives. they might “just” be senior systems analysts or something. shit. still too important to get them on the phone.

it would be fine if you could say, oh, your problem is in xyz, let me transfer you to the xyz expert. because there wasn’t any xyz experts. everybody knew nothing about everything when you were expected to know everything about everything.

I like knowing everything about everything……but sometimes it does get to be too much.

at my previous job I prided myself on knowing everything about eveything, and others appreciated it too.

at my stupid job, I couldn’t possibly know everything about everything. there was no way to find out everything. there was too much hidden secret stuff. there was too much stuff in general.  you could make 1000 new flashcards a day and it still wouldnt help.

but because shit was so hard to FIND, it really WAS better to try to memorize everything. because you’re essentially just memorizing Where To Find it anyway, so you might as well memorize the thing you need to know. you dont just search the shit in google and find the right thing quickly.

you mean there is NO ONE in the WHOLE COMPANY who knows how this program works?

that’s what I’m telling you. yeah, it doesn’t make sense. Nope, we’re not third party contractors making 9 bucks an hour. we are full employees. your in-house help desk. not only do we not know how to fix this, we don’t know who CAN fix this. yes we are a very large very well known company that EVERYBODY has heard of, and this is frankly kind of embarrassing and it happens way too often for a company of this reputation.

i just wasnt good at handling these situations. maybe with some coaching or mentorship or leadership I could have gotten better. someone could have taught me that yeah that is actually the nature of this job, it is actually very counterintuitive, counter common sense, and you wont believe the level of incompetence and disorganization you see……but dont get frustrated, because thats perfect normal. here’s what to say to the person. tell them its NORMAL, tell them you get strange stuff all the time, and we fix it all of the time, we just need some time to Diagnose, so I will call you back in an hour. just let us look at this computer, don’t kick us off, we will probably be rebooting it a couple times, and you’ll see weird shit on the screen.

 

DECENT PEOPLE HAVE REGRETS

may 12

muh d1ck sheeeeeeit smacks lips. bix nood mufugga. ayo hol up. hol up.

tick tock wagie! back to work! time is money! add value for the team! trim the fat! back to work! time is money! another day, another dollar! streamline your workflow so you can be more efficient and produce moar! theres always room for improvement! study other people and try to improve your workflow!

big interview with post office on monday. 4 days. they want me to bring social security card. they already had me do a drug test. so in other words, i have a pretty good chance (50 50 hahaha) of actually getting the JOB.

well I am not sure how much off the job studying I will have to do for Letter Carrier. not as much, hahahaha. who knows if there is even an intranet I can log into.

if i get mauled by pit bulls or something there is probably some waiver I sign saying the post office will not give me any money for that hahahaha.

i saw some stupid quote by willie nelson saying “99% of the worlds lovers are not with their first choice, thats why the jukebox plays” or something, meaning there is a super high demand for songs about not luving your luver I guess, or pining for your First Choice hahaha.  i generally like willie nelson but come on man thats degenerate. what are you really trying to say here, has the weed clouded your mind, probably.

my response is, dont date someone unless they are your first choice, its a lose lose situation, and its a j00ish thing to do to THEM.

whenever i have gotten feelz for a woman, they were always muh FIRST CHOICE. That Woman was my First Choice and I guess still is. so now I have been in luv with her since about october 2014 and just waiting for it to fooking die off already. i mean theres nothing to sustain it. but the memories and sorrow hahahaha.

hey they say dont settle for someone who makes you an option not a priority. well priority means first choice. option means second or third choice. nope. i wouldnt want to marry and i sure wouldnt want to have CHILDREN with a second or third choice. it seems super unfair to the poor children.  i would rather find other ways to support other white children. white orphans hahahaha. maybe adopt a white orphan hahaha. but thats hard to do.  thats why everybody adopts nonwhite babies. theres not a huge supply of adoptable white children.

yeah i mean i guess i would do the right thing and try to take good care of my children even if i had them with a third choice woman. maybe i could grow to not hate the woman hahahaha.

but i would rather i be in luv with the woman i create and raise new life with. than use the poor children to try to force me together with the unimpressive woman.

but luv itself is overrated. thats not how the real world works. you wait for luv, you wait forever.

well, i disagree. women have been in luv YOUNG, and I think they should marry these guys rather than say “im too young to get married. i havent experienced enough of the world.” is always code for i want to be a huge slut. run away from me. i will be a terrible wife and mother.

shit i would have gotten married at age 21 if the woman had any interest hahaha. of course she didnt, i never even dated or fooked her (woman1).

it was amazing that I developed feelings for other women. a miracle from god. youd think once you found the luv of your life, you’re not gonna find anyone again. but i sure did. turned out she wasnt the luv of my life hahaha.

but That Woman sure was! this one was different because……out of all the women I have luved, like maybe 6 of them, she was the ONLY one I had a Real Relationship with! so that was a big deal.

i mean i fooked a gurl once but we didn’t have a Real Relationship! thats what i mean by pseudodating.

and there was NOTHING “PSEUDO” about the Real True Actual Literal Relship I had with That Woman.

ok going to get oil change tomorrow. called the car place like a real man. actually a real man would change his own oil. i am unmanly because i have literally no interest in cars. no interest in sports. no interest in gadgets and tinkering and workshops and tools and stuff. the manliest thing is that I do like guns, but I dont really care about the technical shit, like check out my sig sauer .4839038u5 caliber hollow point bla bla bla with i dont even fookin know. I just want a standard handgun made in a white country like US or germany or sweden or russia hahahaha.

but i am too lazy to do all the paperwork. I mean I would sound like a weirdo if I went to the gun store to talk about guns. they’d be like, uhhhh you are not a gun guy. you want this gun so you can do something WEIRD with it. Im not selling you a gun. and id be like how is protecting the second amendment WEIRD mufugga. hahahaha. and they say its not, but YOURE being shifty and disingenuous. you Reek of Weird Vibes. DRIPPING with DESPERATION. give off a really weird vibe hahahaha.

that is another big self criticism. I see myself as Just Giving Off a REally Weird VIBE that people can’t explain, they just FEEL it and SENSE that I am Weird. Like I am Emitting an Aura. Reeking and Dripping with desperation and weirdness, like pigpen is reeking waves of dirt and dust and BO. and everybody perceives this. men, women, employers.

but its really not true 100%! when you get to know me you see i am not THAT weird!!!!!!!! I was actually able to become Close Friends with an Attractive Young woman for 2+ years! and she didnt think I was weird during that time.

I was fairly well liked at my normie job for a full year!

so yeah this self image of myself as a BIG WEIRDO has got to stop. but ive kinda ALWAYS thought of myself as a huge WEIRDO. so that is a problem. sets you back on your confidence haha.

MJ makes MOST people degens and is a net negative for them…..but not for me! Ima Special Snowflake!

so i  became aware of this youtube gurl over the past month or so, evalion. this adorably cute, marriageable young waifu type, who is talking some pretty hardcore 1488 anti j00ish stuff. i guess after the sinead “dumpster fire” I am a lot more suspicious about this sort of thing.

yes she is insanely cute and i prob would marry her hahahaha. i am a sucker for pale skin and long dark hair.

BUT she has no business wearing such revealing clothing! red flag #1!!!

and muh buddies on TRS say she is obviously batshit crazy, personality disorders, bipolar, borderline, hysterical, sineadlike.

also I just dont TRUST pretty young gurls who get involved in The Movement at this level as Content Creators. I worry it is just a trend for them. I hope she proves me wrong in 5 years. but even sinead just appeared out of nowhere less than a year ago. then they get 20000 subscribers really fast, then within 6 months do something really stupid. its like real life. you get with a qt young gurl, seems too good to be true, because it is, and then 3 months later, its over, and you are horribly disappointed, heartbroken, and angry.

I like and trust wife with a purpose because she is not so “extreme” and she has 5 fooking kids. that is 5  great bona fides for me!

like i say, i hope evalion proves me wrong, but young women appearing out of nowhere and making these kind of political statements…..are usually batshit crazy and prob will turn away from the movement within a year when they find the next edgy thing.

besides with trump and everything, the “alt right” is getting moar attention, such that your internet savvy leftist professional colleagues who read buzzfeed or whatever might have read a shitty article about “white supreemist richard spencer” or somethign.

like you dont just show up to something like this. its a JOURNEY that takes YEARS and you should be able to talk about that journey. otherwise you are probably just being brainwashed by your aryan warrior boifran. why dont you make some babies with him instead of making vidyas and showing Thirsty Betas your secsy white skin.

come on TRS forums some time, these guys will put you in your place baby hahahaha. then you will call them a bunch of virgin woman hating f4ggots hahaha. and then get into flat earth or mudsharking or passing out paper flyers to white hating leftists about white genocide hahaaha.

making white babies and being faithful wives is the most important way these women can really help the movement. not by being crazy attention seekers.

come back when you have 5 kids like wife with a purpose.

but yeah. how many guys you been with? any black guys? how many abortions you had? you gotta vet these female entryists the same way you would vet a potential wife. cuz this is important shit.

i mean if a woman is into “basic bitch” political stuff, thats less concerning. like if they have  trump hat or vote for trump. perfect. but a 1488 white nationalist gurl is just too risky. its like when i was YOUNG, i thought it would be AMAZING to have a qt gurlfran who liked METAL. now i realize how bad of an idea that would be. especially now since women are getting into metal as its getting more hip. so you get hipster sluts, crazy sluts. just give me a nonslut who doesnt listen to music at all.

NILE is a great death metal band and more importantly seem to be great people. karl sanders seems like the nicest, sweetest, chillest guy. they dont seem to do degenerate drugs or bang bitches. i think karl has a wife and kids. the most they do is smoke MJ and drink beer. they clearly have tons of fun on stage, as they should. not a bad job to have. being a huge moneymaking band, be beloved by critics and fans, never selling out. they are totally living the dream. i really wish I liked them more, but I have such a hard time with the clicky drums and “overproduction” and I have wished and wished that nile just had a more “underproduced, raw” sound on record.

maybe i just need to watch more live shows hahahaha. but its really hard to get a good sound there too.

I would be like guys lets go into the studio and record the whole album as live as possible, then we might touch it up a little to bring out the best sound possible.

full disclosure: i saw nile in 1999 when i was a young teen and they were a few years from their peak. this was between “catacombs” and “black seeds” and they were playing tiny clubs and making a name. it was on my short list of best ever shows. very memorable. everyone in the band was mingling with the crowd and all very friendly. that made a big impression on me. some of the crowd were not familiar with the band but we were. we were up near the front of the stage head banging like metal nerds. it was a tiny club, much smaller than in this video. we we pumped up and the band was pumped up and it was a great show. everyone in the band was super outgoing and friendly, including karl sanders, who kinda seemed like a big drunk slob, but I think he was just chilled out from smoking MJ and playing a ridiculous show. very tight. we bought some CDs and they autographed them. just a great show and a great memory for a young metal fan. we had no idea they would get so YUGE in metal, but they sure did.

and they seem just as honest and genuine and sincere and friendly, so thats good. but after 10 albums they have a reputation as being a bit “wanky” and cramming 9000000000000000000 riffs into a riff salad and fast for the sake of fast, and having a sense of hubris that they cant tell that their songwriting is suffering.

well i can’t say their songwriting IS suffering! indeed i found the catacombs album to be VERY challenging to my 16/17 year old mind, and I made such a conscious effort to wrap my mind around it…..which ultimately proved very rewarding. but yeah. i got the black seeds album but then got off the nile train after that hahaha and maybe that was a bit premature on my part, is all I’m saying.

just try to remember the friendly, great guys who are making this kind of overwhelming, dizzying, confusing music hahaha.

like if they had more slow riffs and slow songs like on their “festivals of atonement” EP. that was less of a “progressive, technical” album but it showed some very solid songwriting. was less confusing and overwhleming and riff cramming.

anyway those were more innocent times hahaha and the old nile concert was a nice memory there. a sense of connecting with the people who make the music. them being really down to earth people. non autistic non neets. bigass normies in the best possible way. regular nice people doing something really kewl.

who knows maybe maybe other bands are just as Nice People. but i used to go to a lot of concerts and that sense of connection was often not nearly as much bla bla bla

managers listen to your god damn employees.

heh i think at my last job the managers WERE very willing to listen to the employees….but those managers didnt have any power to do anything or change anything. the REALLY big decisions were made by the managers managers. and those people we didnt like.

it has just been a really stupid ridiuclous retarded, stupid, pointless, wasted 10 months and counting. quit your job and try to find a new job. good god. just because a personal relationship went bad. come on.

yeah well that personal relationship was a part of that stupid job too.

so yeah. never get involved with anybody who’s in your office/department. that you have to see every day in other words.

uhhh maybe this was all part of GODS PLAN to show me that that was not the Job Meant for Me, and she was not the woman meant for me hahaha.

i guess GOD meant for us to be Good Friends for a few years…..but he definitely did not intend for us to be anything more. UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME, hahahaha.

uhhh then whyd he give me those feelings for her then. havent I been TESTED enough? I mean all the TESTING has been feeling more like a PUNISHMENT, for a LONG time.

you know whats 90000000000000000000000 times more degen than homosex? the stuff that average women do. because its SO widespread, and people just take it as normal. its NORMAL for people to have secs with people theyve just met. its NORMAL for women to have 10+ number. homos are a tiny part of the population and its not gonna affect us, well except for women who hang out with homos and treat their degeneracy as normal hahaha. every woman has gay male friends. you dont know any gays? just ask your gurlfran, she probably knows several. and sees no problem with them fooking 9000000000 other gay guys. perfectly ok. fisting parties and such.

so what the hell is your gurlfran ok with???!?!?!?!?! if she thinks all that is ok?!?!?!?!

when your GF hangs out with degenerates and says, nope I dont have any problem with this! as long as its consenting adults.

your woman should have a stronger moral compass than that.

hehehe adding to my questionaire for prospective wife.txt file again. now there is a good 10000 word post!

i would say if you are going through a tough time, then become a degenerate MJ smoker for 3 to 6 months. just to build some more distance between you and the tough event. then detox for 3 months and PROBABLY your pain will be less severe. if not, try to get 3 months of SObriety in, then become a degen stoner again for 6 months. and then quit again. by this time you should notice a difference.

yeah at this point its like processing GRIEF that just wont go away. that lingers WAY too long.

but i mean some people just cant be replaced! I never treated people as replaceable! i just wanted her to show me that I was a little less replaceable!

I felt this feeling of replaceability as soon as I starting dating women in 2004 and getting really dumped haaha.

ok doing laundry. also getting dental teeth cleaning today. that could be horrendous. I have not been taking care of teeth.

but yeah cute young gurls should be makign their own youtube channels saying gas the k1kes race war now 1488. leave that to the men. its weird and off putting and a turn off when women do that. just say trump is kewl and I will encourage my friends to vote for him. and that is MORE than good enough.

a cute young gurl could easily influence the vote of her Thirsty Beta Orbiters! I’ll hang out for you if you vote for trump. or hillary. or ANYONE.

but would this really have a big effect on the ultimate results? it would probably be less than 1%.

but 1% is actually pretty big though.

but yeah. she was very irreplaceable for me. i cant jsut go out and get a new one. her being gone leaves a big void. very much like someone dying. you cant replace them, and their loss leaves a void.

so at this point i would start looking at the Grief literature.

well since i dont have any MJ I took a big honking half dose of nyquil. almost out of nyquil hahahaha.

will def get some moar soon. weird how nyquil seems to reach its expiration date so quickly.

MJ IS A GR8 VOID-FILLER

may 3

knowing WHY she chose to ignore me wouldnt help any because its still not justifiable, theres still no excuse, its still wrong. an apology would be a good start though. but….when have i ever abandoned you. youve already abandoned me once. yeah thats scorekeeping but this is a pretty big thing. not as bad as cheating, but still very hurtful. not the type of thing you IGNORE. you have to address it head on and not pretend it never happened. of course the person who DID it would like to pretend it never happend.

she would have to be willing to apologize, AND spend a lot of time together, AND honestly WORK to rebuild the trust, AND show me a lot of luv and loyalty, AND be my monogamous luver. she cant say lets just be friends NOW. not that she has hahahaha.

yeah yeah i mean i understand her circumstances and personal issues that caused her to react this way, and I probably forgive her, BUT, IM JUST SAYING, if she wanted to resume contact with me, we would have to DEAL WITH what happened. because its not the type of thing you CAN ignore. when people talk about “scorekeeping” and balance sheets, they mean relatively little things. I did you a favor last month, now you owe me a favor this month.

this does NOT apply to BIG DEAL things, like abandonment/desertion. Also cheating. now abandonment might not be a “betrayal” the way cheating is…..but it still severely damages TRUST. how can you trust someone who abandons you when you need them the most?

well ive been a good guy and not bothered her. i dont want to say respect her wishes because i dont respect them. i just know that if you bother a woman when she doesnt want you to bother her, then you look like the bad guy, a stalker, raepist, evil man.  even if you are just trying to hold the person accountable hahahaha. and i said yeah youre wrong and stupid and horrible and this is horrible and youre doing a horrible thing, and youve broken my heart and should be wracked with guilt for the rest of your godforsaken life, and you ruined my life hahahaha, but if you dont want to talk to me, then I wont talk to you.

but just in general. show some respect for human LIVES. dont throw people away. dont replace people. dont exchange people like a pair of pants. respect peoples feelings. when they say stop hurting me, stop hurting them. when they say dont abandon me, dont abandon them.

also she filled a very special role in muh life where now there is a huge void, and i dont like that void!!!!!!

the special female friend void!!!

there were some very important FIRSTS for me, like this was the first time I had gotten feelings for a female friend. This was the first time that my feelings got deeper over the long term. normally I drift away from women after 2 or 3 years and dont get feelings for them and am not DEVASTATED when it ends!

and it was the most substantial, important, long term rel I’d had with a woman in a LONG time.

the older you get, the less likely you will be sharing any “FIRSTS” with the woman. she got those out of her system 20 guys ago, when she was young. first love. first long term rel. first fooked up the ass. first heartbreak. first person she told some secret too. first person she abandoned. first person she was willing to fight for. nope. none of that for you. you are just the 20th guy where she might be your FIRST In a couple important things. oh she is your first long term rel? oh well, she’s already had 20 long term rels. you’re nothing special.

she’s very special to you, you’re not special to her at all. real good for the confidence, hahaha.

just treat me like i was a little more special to you. I know I was at one time. and then you became more and more special to me and i became less and less special to you. damn.

anyway i mean nothing to say there, nothing will change, it is what it is.

you wanting out of the relationship, thats fine. but that doesnt ABSOLVE YOU of the RESPONSIBILITIES of the relationship. You have to abide by the RULES of the relationship even though you want OUT of the relationship. and common sense rules tell you, dont throw a person away like a piece of garbage. tell them you want out of the rel and accept that your decision hurts them.  pretty common sense here hahaha. even i, the least common sense person who ever existed, knows this.

hehehe its like being stabbed in the heart and dying slowly. and how can you be a happy productive healthy person when you are dying slowly from a stab to the heart? you cant. you have to slowly die, then be born again. maybe after staying dead for a while hahahaha. even christ stayed dead for 3 days.

so i say, die slowly for 9 months, then stay dead for 9 months, then you should be ready to come back to life.

i was at the megamarket where i buy my prepaid phone card and they said they no longer let you buy those at the u-scan. I had already Rung Tender all of my other stuff. so i said ok. some customers would have given a hard time. I wasnt about to do that to the poor old 60 year old white man making 9 dollars an hour. So I just put the card aside, finished buying the stuff, put the stuff in the car, came back inside, got another card, and waited in a long line for a human cashier, who was a 50 year old white woman making 9 dollars an hour with a long line of fookin idiots who would probably bitch at her for “why dont ya open another lane.” like its her fooking decision. like she wouldnt want them to open another lane. i smiled and was a model customer. so you have to buy cards from the cashier lane now. new policy. i wonder if thats because of theft? fraud? this store only? which stores? I did not bombard the poor cashier with these questions. no doubt there was some manager hiding out back smoking cigarets. thinking about how many more lanes he could close.

go to shrink today. once every 3 weeks.

i dunno. I just think women should be kinder, gentler, more decent, less SHADY. not fooking so many guys, not doing such egregiously hurtful things. little white lies are fine. but cheating is too much. abandoning is too much. being a easy low-price slut is too much. try to make your father proud of you. but none of these gurls have fathers. fatherless whores.

white people acting like n1993rs. no fathers. white trash. shameful.  white n1993r5.

also when you are dating a guy, why the hell do you need so many close male friends? your man is RIGHT to be jealous. oh because they listen to your problems. yeah well female friends could do the same. or your family. or if you were like me, you’d be begging your GF, pleeeeease baby you can talk to me about our problems! i’ll do whatever it takes to fix them! please talk to me! and then they leave you for one of their many male friends, hahahaha.

yes MJ can fill voids in your life. I think it would help fill the void in my life right now. it is a great void filler in a way that alcohol is not.  also helps you sleep at night and not toss and turn with Worry.

it is a very pleasurable Ritual that is very much what I imagine sharing time with your loved one is like. like cuddling your waifu. the act of preparing and enjoying your mjfu.

welp went to the shrink and basically the whole time was me blabbing about the recruiter offering me the job at the call center. mentioned how I was jealous that that woman had better coping skills than me, and could handle tough jobs better than me. she was tougher and stronger than me. and she doesnt want to associate with a loser like me.

so yeah didnt really discuss that aspect.

that of course is just a weapon i can use against myself. i have no idea if she thinks i am a loser. besides what does what SHE thinks mattters. we are DONE. but i dont want to be DONE, so what she thinks DOES matter to me!

hehheh but she doesnt care what i think about her. just stay away.

basically i dont feel too bad about turning down the one job. too many red flags hahaha.

but I HATE thinking she doesnt want to talk to me because Im a huge loser.

hehehe other people talk to me even though I am a huge loser!! Im not a BAD INFLUENCE On THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

saw a very cute gurl in the shrink waiting room though, but she had to be 18-20 and was with her mother hahahaha. no chance for me. she was a very large tall big boned girl, which I like sometimes. not fat or anything. but her pants were probably too small and i could not stop staring. I thought damn if I could spend some time with HER I would get over That Woman REAL fast.  I mean I almost got aroused right in the waiting room. I am NEVER that attracted to women. unless they are young 6 foot 18 year old gurls hahahahaha. the blond hair and beautiful pale white skin certainly helped.

i should have introduced myself to both her and her mother at once and asked the mother if i could date the daughter, even though I am like 12 years older than her hahahaha and a total loser.  she is in high school and i have been out of college for 10+ years. is that normal?

well I have heard of this guy who’s like 40 whose dating an 18-19 year old gurl. pretty good. everyone thinks thats weird though. hes a weird guy though. very beta. gets devastated when women dump him and then doesnt date again for 10 years hahaha. sound familiar hahaha.

but yeah i wanted that huge young gurl to sit on muh face and also me to just have intense S with her and just grab that big body hahahaha.

i dunno. its just the first time i had this transition. where once we were good friend, and now shes TOO GOOD to hang out with me or talk to me. very hard feelings. i have drifted away from MANY people. this is completely different. alot more painful hahahaha. a LOT. first time with such extreme, incomprehensible pain.

tried Famous Daves Devils Spit spicy BBQ sauce. I give it 2 thumbs up. Its not super thick, a slight bit runny, but that’s fine. it is quite spicy indeed. I have been eating Stubbs Sweet Heat which is much less spicy, and much thicker. I think I prefer the Devils Spit. Both are better than the Open Pit Original I had had for a while and got tired of. Theres a time and a place for that, but I can’t see being in that mood again for a while. The Famous Daves is very good. glad I tried that.

but yeah i hate being given up on. a parent that abandons their child is a bad parent. a husband that abandons his wife is a bad husband. a friend that abandons their friend is a bad friend.

so what is when a former friend abandons a former friend because they dont like that their former friend got feelings for them? they say, well i don’t owe them any courtesy, because THEY killed the friendship FIRST by getting feelings! they violated their responsibilities of the friendship FIRST, therefore I dont have to live up to my responsibilities! THEY killed it!

well its obvious a gray area, but I think common sense would prevail that Getting Feelings is complicated but not inherently bad, while abandoning / pulling plug, unless when you are escaping an abuser, IS much more inherently bad. than getting feelings for a friend.

it makes it confusing because its not like we were Luvers. so really the closest thing to it is being abandoned by a friend. yeah. i mean it would really be worse if we were actually fooking (because thats all dating is hahahaha) and she disappeared.

so yeah, the closest approximation here is being abandoned and shut out by a friend. but a little worse becuase i had special feelies.

https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-stop-being-sad-about-a-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://beta.theodysseyonline.com/an-open-letter-to-the-best-friend-who-abandoned-me

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/abandoned-by-a-close-friend

http://life.gaiam.com/article/how-overcome-feeling-abandonment

QUADS. i got QUADS again hahaha. i get QUADS like once a week. this is ridiculous.